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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Daily Bump: The Heigl Film Deluge

Following this week's freak release of 34 Heigl films, Sony executives were quick to remind the public that the widespread hospitalizations were a result of the sheer amount of Heigl to which the public was exposed. Had the movies been released one at a time, they say, the ill effects would’ve been no greater than the light nausea and confusion which sometimes accompanies with viewing a Heigl vehicle.

Explore The Katherine Heigl Deluge Slideshow

Take for example, the Christmas-themed "Holidaze," in which Heigl plays a career-driven news producer who's forced off her story about the war in Afghanistan to do a fluff piece about a local toymaker. Had this movie come out in December, when it was supposed to, it would've likely been called it a "sweet holiday treat" or a "forgettable but fun festive film." It's only because the film--in which a toymaker not only teaches Heigl how to loosen up and fall in love but also the meaning of Christmas--was released alongside 33 other Heigl films that it contributed to the mass psychosis and self-blindings.

The same goes for "Venus and Mars." If the film hadn't been noted as "the final straw" which pushed a Denver man to shoot himself in the head, it probably would’ve been lauded for its fun and surprising celebrity cameos, which included Heidi Montag, Joe Montana, Justin Bieber, Newt Gingrich, Michael Phelps, Stephen Hawking, and Gloria Steinem.

Other highlights in the Heigl catastrophe:

  • The scene in "So Random" where the dog humps the President of the United States' leg. I've been laughing about it for days!
  • While Heigl's Southern accent is less than believable in "Dish!," Monique is hilarious as her sassy black friend Credenza... even when she's just standing there shaking her head.
  • While the plot of "Peeping Polly" is a bit hard to follow, Heigl manages to look every bit as great in hip waders and a fishing hat as she does in an evening gown.
  • Sony has pledged to release the Heigl films to TBS just one at a time, so you’ll be able to check them out with no risk to your health.

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