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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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The Daily Bump: The Heigl Film Deluge

Following this week's freak release of 34 Heigl films, Sony executives were quick to remind the public that the widespread hospitalizations were a result of the sheer amount of Heigl to which the public was exposed. Had the movies been released one at a time, they say, the ill effects would’ve been no greater than the light nausea and confusion which sometimes accompanies with viewing a Heigl vehicle.

Explore The Katherine Heigl Deluge Slideshow

Take for example, the Christmas-themed "Holidaze," in which Heigl plays a career-driven news producer who's forced off her story about the war in Afghanistan to do a fluff piece about a local toymaker. Had this movie come out in December, when it was supposed to, it would've likely been called it a "sweet holiday treat" or a "forgettable but fun festive film." It's only because the film--in which a toymaker not only teaches Heigl how to loosen up and fall in love but also the meaning of Christmas--was released alongside 33 other Heigl films that it contributed to the mass psychosis and self-blindings.

The same goes for "Venus and Mars." If the film hadn't been noted as "the final straw" which pushed a Denver man to shoot himself in the head, it probably would’ve been lauded for its fun and surprising celebrity cameos, which included Heidi Montag, Joe Montana, Justin Bieber, Newt Gingrich, Michael Phelps, Stephen Hawking, and Gloria Steinem.

Other highlights in the Heigl catastrophe:

  • The scene in "So Random" where the dog humps the President of the United States' leg. I've been laughing about it for days!
  • While Heigl's Southern accent is less than believable in "Dish!," Monique is hilarious as her sassy black friend Credenza... even when she's just standing there shaking her head.
  • While the plot of "Peeping Polly" is a bit hard to follow, Heigl manages to look every bit as great in hip waders and a fishing hat as she does in an evening gown.
  • Sony has pledged to release the Heigl films to TBS just one at a time, so you’ll be able to check them out with no risk to your health.

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