The Daily Bump: The Heigl Film Deluge

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Vol 47 Issue 12

The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline

People began to give up on the American Dream almost from the time it was created. Below, a letter from a riverboat porter written in 1901 shows some of the earliest written documentation of an American saying, "Fuck it, what's the point?" The ...

Message From The Mayor

A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan: "Just wanted to let folks know that there's going to be a whole bunch of commotion down at Tuffy's this evening as several members of the national press will be in town. In case you haven't heard, our boy T...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

The Daily Bump: The Heigl Film Deluge

Following this week's freak release of 34 Heigl films, Sony executives were quick to remind the public that the widespread hospitalizations were a result of the sheer amount of Heigl to which the public was exposed. Had the movies been released one at a time, they say, the ill effects would’ve been no greater than the light nausea and confusion which sometimes accompanies with viewing a Heigl vehicle.

Explore The Katherine Heigl Deluge Slideshow

Take for example, the Christmas-themed "Holidaze," in which Heigl plays a career-driven news producer who's forced off her story about the war in Afghanistan to do a fluff piece about a local toymaker. Had this movie come out in December, when it was supposed to, it would've likely been called it a "sweet holiday treat" or a "forgettable but fun festive film." It's only because the film--in which a toymaker not only teaches Heigl how to loosen up and fall in love but also the meaning of Christmas--was released alongside 33 other Heigl films that it contributed to the mass psychosis and self-blindings.

The same goes for "Venus and Mars." If the film hadn't been noted as "the final straw" which pushed a Denver man to shoot himself in the head, it probably would’ve been lauded for its fun and surprising celebrity cameos, which included Heidi Montag, Joe Montana, Justin Bieber, Newt Gingrich, Michael Phelps, Stephen Hawking, and Gloria Steinem.

Other highlights in the Heigl catastrophe:

  • The scene in "So Random" where the dog humps the President of the United States' leg. I've been laughing about it for days!
  • While Heigl's Southern accent is less than believable in "Dish!," Monique is hilarious as her sassy black friend Credenza... even when she's just standing there shaking her head.
  • While the plot of "Peeping Polly" is a bit hard to follow, Heigl manages to look every bit as great in hip waders and a fishing hat as she does in an evening gown.
  • Sony has pledged to release the Heigl films to TBS just one at a time, so you’ll be able to check them out with no risk to your health.
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