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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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The Daily Bump: The Heigl Film Deluge

Following this week's freak release of 34 Heigl films, Sony executives were quick to remind the public that the widespread hospitalizations were a result of the sheer amount of Heigl to which the public was exposed. Had the movies been released one at a time, they say, the ill effects would’ve been no greater than the light nausea and confusion which sometimes accompanies with viewing a Heigl vehicle.

Explore The Katherine Heigl Deluge Slideshow

Take for example, the Christmas-themed "Holidaze," in which Heigl plays a career-driven news producer who's forced off her story about the war in Afghanistan to do a fluff piece about a local toymaker. Had this movie come out in December, when it was supposed to, it would've likely been called it a "sweet holiday treat" or a "forgettable but fun festive film." It's only because the film--in which a toymaker not only teaches Heigl how to loosen up and fall in love but also the meaning of Christmas--was released alongside 33 other Heigl films that it contributed to the mass psychosis and self-blindings.

The same goes for "Venus and Mars." If the film hadn't been noted as "the final straw" which pushed a Denver man to shoot himself in the head, it probably would’ve been lauded for its fun and surprising celebrity cameos, which included Heidi Montag, Joe Montana, Justin Bieber, Newt Gingrich, Michael Phelps, Stephen Hawking, and Gloria Steinem.

Other highlights in the Heigl catastrophe:

  • The scene in "So Random" where the dog humps the President of the United States' leg. I've been laughing about it for days!
  • While Heigl's Southern accent is less than believable in "Dish!," Monique is hilarious as her sassy black friend Credenza... even when she's just standing there shaking her head.
  • While the plot of "Peeping Polly" is a bit hard to follow, Heigl manages to look every bit as great in hip waders and a fishing hat as she does in an evening gown.
  • Sony has pledged to release the Heigl films to TBS just one at a time, so you’ll be able to check them out with no risk to your health.
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