adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Growing Menace Of America's Fat Bitches

They're overweight, wear lots of eyeliner, and are always in a foul mood. They're America's fat bitches. One in five citizens reports having been yelled at, complained to, or glared at by one of these corpulent harpies in the past month. Whether at the bank, on the street, or in our very homes, these detestable cunts have somehow managed to gain the upper hand through the sheer force of their hatred for the world. Perpetually holding a cigarette in one hand and a plastic drugstore sack in the other, they impede our entrance to public buildings, ruin our bus rides with their yammering, and smirk at us when we attempt to use an out-of-order ATM machine at the Dairy Queen. So what can you do if you find yourself in the oncoming path of a scowling woman with streaky highlights screaming "that's some bullshit" into her cellphone? How do you to protect your family from being told "you just jealous" by a fat bitch waitress with way too much cleavage? Which measures will prevent your own child from growing into a fat bitch or getting trapped in a relationship with a fat bitch? Watch the special one-hour report on America's Fat Bitches tomorrow night and find out. This is one report you can't afford to miss.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close