The Growing Menace Of America's Fat Bitches

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MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

The Growing Menace Of America's Fat Bitches

They're overweight, wear lots of eyeliner, and are always in a foul mood. They're America's fat bitches. One in five citizens reports having been yelled at, complained to, or glared at by one of these corpulent harpies in the past month. Whether at the bank, on the street, or in our very homes, these detestable cunts have somehow managed to gain the upper hand through the sheer force of their hatred for the world. Perpetually holding a cigarette in one hand and a plastic drugstore sack in the other, they impede our entrance to public buildings, ruin our bus rides with their yammering, and smirk at us when we attempt to use an out-of-order ATM machine at the Dairy Queen. So what can you do if you find yourself in the oncoming path of a scowling woman with streaky highlights screaming "that's some bullshit" into her cellphone? How do you to protect your family from being told "you just jealous" by a fat bitch waitress with way too much cleavage? Which measures will prevent your own child from growing into a fat bitch or getting trapped in a relationship with a fat bitch? Watch the special one-hour report on America's Fat Bitches tomorrow night and find out. This is one report you can't afford to miss.