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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The Growing Menace Of America's Fat Bitches

They're overweight, wear lots of eyeliner, and are always in a foul mood. They're America's fat bitches. One in five citizens reports having been yelled at, complained to, or glared at by one of these corpulent harpies in the past month. Whether at the bank, on the street, or in our very homes, these detestable cunts have somehow managed to gain the upper hand through the sheer force of their hatred for the world. Perpetually holding a cigarette in one hand and a plastic drugstore sack in the other, they impede our entrance to public buildings, ruin our bus rides with their yammering, and smirk at us when we attempt to use an out-of-order ATM machine at the Dairy Queen. So what can you do if you find yourself in the oncoming path of a scowling woman with streaky highlights screaming "that's some bullshit" into her cellphone? How do you to protect your family from being told "you just jealous" by a fat bitch waitress with way too much cleavage? Which measures will prevent your own child from growing into a fat bitch or getting trapped in a relationship with a fat bitch? Watch the special one-hour report on America's Fat Bitches tomorrow night and find out. This is one report you can't afford to miss.

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