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The Growing Menace Of America's Fat Bitches

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

The Growing Menace Of America's Fat Bitches

They're overweight, wear lots of eyeliner, and are always in a foul mood. They're America's fat bitches. One in five citizens reports having been yelled at, complained to, or glared at by one of these corpulent harpies in the past month. Whether at the bank, on the street, or in our very homes, these detestable cunts have somehow managed to gain the upper hand through the sheer force of their hatred for the world. Perpetually holding a cigarette in one hand and a plastic drugstore sack in the other, they impede our entrance to public buildings, ruin our bus rides with their yammering, and smirk at us when we attempt to use an out-of-order ATM machine at the Dairy Queen. So what can you do if you find yourself in the oncoming path of a scowling woman with streaky highlights screaming "that's some bullshit" into her cellphone? How do you to protect your family from being told "you just jealous" by a fat bitch waitress with way too much cleavage? Which measures will prevent your own child from growing into a fat bitch or getting trapped in a relationship with a fat bitch? Watch the special one-hour report on America's Fat Bitches tomorrow night and find out. This is one report you can't afford to miss.

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