The Hard-Luck NHL's Stunning History Of Tragedy

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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The Hard-Luck NHL's Stunning History Of Tragedy

The NHL suffered a major blow this week as the Chicago Blackhawks' team U-Haul crashed on the highway, spilling all its players onto the hard asphalt, killing six. Tragic though it is, the NHL is no stranger to sadness. Here are a few of the notable calamities to befall this struggling league:

  • 1898 - A league-wide outbreak of rubella is traced back to the Montreal Victorias decision to store the Stanley Cup in the moldering abandoned debtors prison they were squatting in at the time
  • 1926 - The Rangers and Bruins are simultaneously killed when a fire rips through the unventilated workspace where they are forced to sew their own uniforms
  • 1967 - Legend Gordie Howe trampled to death by a horse he was trying to kill and eat
  • 1982 - Though no cause of death was found, it is presumed that the five Islanders found dead in a Long Island outreach center just gave up
  • 1986 - Unable to pay for air conditioning, the seven Flyers and five Bruins drown once the ice melts
  • 1990 - Wayne Gretzky is stabbed in the side after trying to steal a crust of bread off the plate of a notorious biker gang leader
  • 2003 - The first year every single player in the NHL was officially diagnosed with syphilis
  • 2008 - 15 Canucks are shot and killed for trying to escape their mandatory enclosure


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