adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

The Hard-Luck NHL's Stunning History Of Tragedy

The NHL suffered a major blow this week as the Chicago Blackhawks' team U-Haul crashed on the highway, spilling all its players onto the hard asphalt, killing six. Tragic though it is, the NHL is no stranger to sadness. Here are a few of the notable calamities to befall this struggling league:

  • 1898 - A league-wide outbreak of rubella is traced back to the Montreal Victorias decision to store the Stanley Cup in the moldering abandoned debtors prison they were squatting in at the time
  • 1926 - The Rangers and Bruins are simultaneously killed when a fire rips through the unventilated workspace where they are forced to sew their own uniforms
  • 1967 - Legend Gordie Howe trampled to death by a horse he was trying to kill and eat
  • 1982 - Though no cause of death was found, it is presumed that the five Islanders found dead in a Long Island outreach center just gave up
  • 1986 - Unable to pay for air conditioning, the seven Flyers and five Bruins drown once the ice melts
  • 1990 - Wayne Gretzky is stabbed in the side after trying to steal a crust of bread off the plate of a notorious biker gang leader
  • 2003 - The first year every single player in the NHL was officially diagnosed with syphilis
  • 2008 - 15 Canucks are shot and killed for trying to escape their mandatory enclosure

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close