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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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The Hard-Luck NHL's Stunning History Of Tragedy

The NHL suffered a major blow this week as the Chicago Blackhawks' team U-Haul crashed on the highway, spilling all its players onto the hard asphalt, killing six. Tragic though it is, the NHL is no stranger to sadness. Here are a few of the notable calamities to befall this struggling league:

  • 1898 - A league-wide outbreak of rubella is traced back to the Montreal Victorias decision to store the Stanley Cup in the moldering abandoned debtors prison they were squatting in at the time
  • 1926 - The Rangers and Bruins are simultaneously killed when a fire rips through the unventilated workspace where they are forced to sew their own uniforms
  • 1967 - Legend Gordie Howe trampled to death by a horse he was trying to kill and eat
  • 1982 - Though no cause of death was found, it is presumed that the five Islanders found dead in a Long Island outreach center just gave up
  • 1986 - Unable to pay for air conditioning, the seven Flyers and five Bruins drown once the ice melts
  • 1990 - Wayne Gretzky is stabbed in the side after trying to steal a crust of bread off the plate of a notorious biker gang leader
  • 2003 - The first year every single player in the NHL was officially diagnosed with syphilis
  • 2008 - 15 Canucks are shot and killed for trying to escape their mandatory enclosure

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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