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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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The High Reis: Ben Roethlisberger Broke My Trust With Him

I was going to root for Ben Roethlisberger in the Super Bowl because in him I saw a man who I shared a common experience with, including being suspended for something that was never proven in a court of law. So I wanted the Steelers to win, and I thought I would meet him at Dallas and hang out with him for a while, but he did not return my calls.

This crushed me. I guess Ben thought that now he was trying to be like a Mickey Mouse guy who everyone likes. I tried to do the same thing once and my advice to him is it does not work. After my first suspension I tried to work at women’s shelters to show that I did not really mean what I said, which is not important to get into, but I was often booed and had garbage thrown at me when I tried to explain my side of the story and my ideas about political correctness run amok. I think that the same thing will happen to Ben Roethlisberger.

Instead he decided to ignore me even though I know a ton of good spots in Dallas that photographers don't know about where he could have gotten trashed and had a good time. So I am glad he lost, because you do not go against Reiser. When he threw that interception I was like "ha ha Reiser is the king."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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