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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

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LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

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The High Reis: My Suspension Gave Me The Opportunity To Think About Many Things

As you probably saw, Domers, tonight I made my return to the Dome after a long and difficult suspension. What I was alleged to have done or said on air is no longer of any importance. What matters is that I have learned many hard lessons about myself and my conduct, and I hoped to take this opportunity to talk about those lessons on a blog post written by me, Alex Reiser, of my own volition.

There are probably a lot of cynics out there who believe that I have been suspended so many times that it no longer has an effect on me. This is untrue. Each suspension I receive still hurts me. They force me to ask, "what have I done, as a person, and as a representative of the Onion Sports Network, to deserve this?" The truth is I almost never know.

Of course changing your personality and behavior are impossible. I am who I am and no amount of suspensions in the world will ever change that. I have now come to grips with the fact that I will never be a perfect Reiser. All I can hope is that I can stop doing the things that make them suspend me, or hope they stop suspending me for things I'm going to do anyway.

Glad to be back!

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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