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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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The High Reis: My Suspension Gave Me The Opportunity To Think About Many Things

As you probably saw, Domers, tonight I made my return to the Dome after a long and difficult suspension. What I was alleged to have done or said on air is no longer of any importance. What matters is that I have learned many hard lessons about myself and my conduct, and I hoped to take this opportunity to talk about those lessons on a blog post written by me, Alex Reiser, of my own volition.

There are probably a lot of cynics out there who believe that I have been suspended so many times that it no longer has an effect on me. This is untrue. Each suspension I receive still hurts me. They force me to ask, "what have I done, as a person, and as a representative of the Onion Sports Network, to deserve this?" The truth is I almost never know.

Of course changing your personality and behavior are impossible. I am who I am and no amount of suspensions in the world will ever change that. I have now come to grips with the fact that I will never be a perfect Reiser. All I can hope is that I can stop doing the things that make them suspend me, or hope they stop suspending me for things I'm going to do anyway.

Glad to be back!

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