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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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The High Reis: My Suspension Gave Me The Opportunity To Think About Many Things

As you probably saw, Domers, tonight I made my return to the Dome after a long and difficult suspension. What I was alleged to have done or said on air is no longer of any importance. What matters is that I have learned many hard lessons about myself and my conduct, and I hoped to take this opportunity to talk about those lessons on a blog post written by me, Alex Reiser, of my own volition.

There are probably a lot of cynics out there who believe that I have been suspended so many times that it no longer has an effect on me. This is untrue. Each suspension I receive still hurts me. They force me to ask, "what have I done, as a person, and as a representative of the Onion Sports Network, to deserve this?" The truth is I almost never know.

Of course changing your personality and behavior are impossible. I am who I am and no amount of suspensions in the world will ever change that. I have now come to grips with the fact that I will never be a perfect Reiser. All I can hope is that I can stop doing the things that make them suspend me, or hope they stop suspending me for things I'm going to do anyway.

Glad to be back!

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