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Sports

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The High Reis: Parking Garage Near Heat Arena Very Confusing

I decided to check out a Miami Heat game this week. I went with reporter's credentials so I could get in for free and then write about it for this blog. I don't remember who they were playing that night.

I got to Miami in the afternoon and drove a rental car to the arena. I found a parking garage a few blocks away. They tried to charge me eight bucks for a ticket, but I said no way, that is way too much. But the person at the booth said that is the price and I have to pay it. I could have gotten the receipt and had it paid for by the network, but I didn't want to pay eight bucks for parking. What is a parking spot? It is just an empty space. I don't think you should pay for an empty space on the ground, especially not eight bucks, which adds up. But anyway I took the ticket and went to park.

I went up the ramp to the second or third level. I walked around looking for an elevator but couldn't find one. I had seen elevators when I was driving around looking for a space, but now I couldn't find any. I saw flights of stairs, but screw that, I didn't want to walk down any stairs like a chump.

I got lost in the parking garage. There were a bunch of levels to it. I couldn't find an elevator or my car. Finally I found another person walking around so I decided to follow him. But he was getting into his car, not leaving. I stood in front of his car and shouted at him, I don't remember what I shouted or why I did it.

I was walking around for an hour, probably. I found a vending machine so I bought a couple things from there and ate them, next to the machine, because I don't like to eat while I'm walking. Then I looked at my watch and the game had already started, so I decided to forget the game. I found my car pretty quick after that, probably only 30 or 40 minutes.

When I got to the ticket thing, the woman tried to get me to pay the full eight bucks, even though I hadn't gone to the game, I hadn't even left the parking garage. I blew past her but they had one of those spike strips so my tires popped. So I got out and walked to a bus stop and eventually got to the airport.

My prediction: the Heat are playing well together and they will win the NBA title.

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