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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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The High Reis: Parking Garage Near Heat Arena Very Confusing

I decided to check out a Miami Heat game this week. I went with reporter's credentials so I could get in for free and then write about it for this blog. I don't remember who they were playing that night.

I got to Miami in the afternoon and drove a rental car to the arena. I found a parking garage a few blocks away. They tried to charge me eight bucks for a ticket, but I said no way, that is way too much. But the person at the booth said that is the price and I have to pay it. I could have gotten the receipt and had it paid for by the network, but I didn't want to pay eight bucks for parking. What is a parking spot? It is just an empty space. I don't think you should pay for an empty space on the ground, especially not eight bucks, which adds up. But anyway I took the ticket and went to park.

I went up the ramp to the second or third level. I walked around looking for an elevator but couldn't find one. I had seen elevators when I was driving around looking for a space, but now I couldn't find any. I saw flights of stairs, but screw that, I didn't want to walk down any stairs like a chump.

I got lost in the parking garage. There were a bunch of levels to it. I couldn't find an elevator or my car. Finally I found another person walking around so I decided to follow him. But he was getting into his car, not leaving. I stood in front of his car and shouted at him, I don't remember what I shouted or why I did it.

I was walking around for an hour, probably. I found a vending machine so I bought a couple things from there and ate them, next to the machine, because I don't like to eat while I'm walking. Then I looked at my watch and the game had already started, so I decided to forget the game. I found my car pretty quick after that, probably only 30 or 40 minutes.

When I got to the ticket thing, the woman tried to get me to pay the full eight bucks, even though I hadn't gone to the game, I hadn't even left the parking garage. I blew past her but they had one of those spike strips so my tires popped. So I got out and walked to a bus stop and eventually got to the airport.

My prediction: the Heat are playing well together and they will win the NBA title.

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