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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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The High Reis: They Should Pretend Someone Dies In The Middle Of The Super Bowl Halftime Show And We Have To Solve The Murder

The halftime show at the Super Bowl is something they always talk about. They used to have good shows, but then they stopped having good ones after Janet Jackson exposed her breast. I remember watching that show in my apartment with my old roommate Big Nate. He was in the kitchen shouting at his girlfriend and I said, "Janet Jackson exposed her breast." Anyway I think I know a way to make a better halftime show this year and that is to pretend someone got murdered and we have to solve the murder, like what happened on this ship I was once on.

I went on the ship with Big Nate because he was dating a waitress on the ship, although they broke up almost immediately after we arrived. At first I thought it was just a normal ship but then the lights when out and I was mad because I thought it was some weak-ass ship with bad lights, but then the lights came back on and someone was lying on the floor as if they'd been killed. I started to call the police but Big Nate's girlfriend told me it was a game and he wasn't really dead, and then I saw he was breathing and when I threw a piece of food at him he flinched. Then we had to solve the murder by talking to people on the ship.

Anyone on the boat could be a suspect, but really there were only four suspects because they talked like actors instead of mumbling and cursing, and they had nice clothes while I was wearing a bathing suit and a shirt with mud on it like everyone else. I thought I solved it because I grabbed this one guy by the shirt and called him a murderer, but then he died too. Several more suspects died until there was only one left and then I solved it, and even though some woman said it first I really solved it before she did.

It was a very fun boat, and they should do something like it for the Super Bowl. We can say one of the players died and then use the clues to figure out who did it. There could be evidence around the stadium like suspicious people and someone has a suitcase filled with evidence like love letters and a handgun. Then we find the murderer and he goes to jail. I think it would be a great thing for everyone to solve like it was on the boat. I made friends with several people on the boat and slept with one of the actresses when I told her I could get her on TV, though I had no intention of doing so actually. That would be great and I would like for it to happen again.

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