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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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The High Reis: They Should Pretend Someone Dies In The Middle Of The Super Bowl Halftime Show And We Have To Solve The Murder

The halftime show at the Super Bowl is something they always talk about. They used to have good shows, but then they stopped having good ones after Janet Jackson exposed her breast. I remember watching that show in my apartment with my old roommate Big Nate. He was in the kitchen shouting at his girlfriend and I said, "Janet Jackson exposed her breast." Anyway I think I know a way to make a better halftime show this year and that is to pretend someone got murdered and we have to solve the murder, like what happened on this ship I was once on.

I went on the ship with Big Nate because he was dating a waitress on the ship, although they broke up almost immediately after we arrived. At first I thought it was just a normal ship but then the lights when out and I was mad because I thought it was some weak-ass ship with bad lights, but then the lights came back on and someone was lying on the floor as if they'd been killed. I started to call the police but Big Nate's girlfriend told me it was a game and he wasn't really dead, and then I saw he was breathing and when I threw a piece of food at him he flinched. Then we had to solve the murder by talking to people on the ship.

Anyone on the boat could be a suspect, but really there were only four suspects because they talked like actors instead of mumbling and cursing, and they had nice clothes while I was wearing a bathing suit and a shirt with mud on it like everyone else. I thought I solved it because I grabbed this one guy by the shirt and called him a murderer, but then he died too. Several more suspects died until there was only one left and then I solved it, and even though some woman said it first I really solved it before she did.

It was a very fun boat, and they should do something like it for the Super Bowl. We can say one of the players died and then use the clues to figure out who did it. There could be evidence around the stadium like suspicious people and someone has a suitcase filled with evidence like love letters and a handgun. Then we find the murderer and he goes to jail. I think it would be a great thing for everyone to solve like it was on the boat. I made friends with several people on the boat and slept with one of the actresses when I told her I could get her on TV, though I had no intention of doing so actually. That would be great and I would like for it to happen again.

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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