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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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The High Reis: They Should Pretend Someone Dies In The Middle Of The Super Bowl Halftime Show And We Have To Solve The Murder

The halftime show at the Super Bowl is something they always talk about. They used to have good shows, but then they stopped having good ones after Janet Jackson exposed her breast. I remember watching that show in my apartment with my old roommate Big Nate. He was in the kitchen shouting at his girlfriend and I said, "Janet Jackson exposed her breast." Anyway I think I know a way to make a better halftime show this year and that is to pretend someone got murdered and we have to solve the murder, like what happened on this ship I was once on.

I went on the ship with Big Nate because he was dating a waitress on the ship, although they broke up almost immediately after we arrived. At first I thought it was just a normal ship but then the lights when out and I was mad because I thought it was some weak-ass ship with bad lights, but then the lights came back on and someone was lying on the floor as if they'd been killed. I started to call the police but Big Nate's girlfriend told me it was a game and he wasn't really dead, and then I saw he was breathing and when I threw a piece of food at him he flinched. Then we had to solve the murder by talking to people on the ship.

Anyone on the boat could be a suspect, but really there were only four suspects because they talked like actors instead of mumbling and cursing, and they had nice clothes while I was wearing a bathing suit and a shirt with mud on it like everyone else. I thought I solved it because I grabbed this one guy by the shirt and called him a murderer, but then he died too. Several more suspects died until there was only one left and then I solved it, and even though some woman said it first I really solved it before she did.

It was a very fun boat, and they should do something like it for the Super Bowl. We can say one of the players died and then use the clues to figure out who did it. There could be evidence around the stadium like suspicious people and someone has a suitcase filled with evidence like love letters and a handgun. Then we find the murderer and he goes to jail. I think it would be a great thing for everyone to solve like it was on the boat. I made friends with several people on the boat and slept with one of the actresses when I told her I could get her on TV, though I had no intention of doing so actually. That would be great and I would like for it to happen again.

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