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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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The High Reis: Top Playoff Storylines

All the playoff teams are this weekend so I decided to make a post about the top storylines in each game, which are all interesting. As explained to me, the storylines are the things people talk about. But it is more complicated than that. Anyway here are the storylines.

RAVENS VS. STEELERS

They say that teams try harder when they're mad at the other team but I don't think that's true. I was on a softball team one year at OSN and every game I accused the other team of cheating even if I liked them. I always made the umpire measure their bats because I said they were too long by the rules. People began to say "uh oh, we're playing Alex's team this week, he's going to make the umpire measure our bats." They did not invite me to play softball the year after that, although I would not have played anyway and that is true.

PACKERS VS. FALCONS

Everyone was hoping the Eagles would win and then Michael Vick would play his former team the Falcons. Then he could have beat them and taught them the ultimate lesson about giving up on your quarterback just because he murdered a bunch of dogs and went to jail for almost two years. Instead Atlanta will play the Packers who I don't know much about.

SEAHAWKS VS. BEARS

These are two garbage teams who got into the playoffs I don't know how. I heard the crowd made an earthquake when the Seahawks scored their big touchdown last week, but I think that's probably untrue. It's like when Chili's says they have the best lunch combos but they really overcook everything and get mad when you order a soda refill right at the end of lunch because they want to give away your table. But you get UNLIMITED SODA REFILLS.

JETS VS. PATRIOTS

The Jets are pretending they don't like the Patriots, but really I think they are just pretending. It's like when I had a skunk under my deck and every day I'd spray the hose at it and it would spray its scent at me before I went to work. I'd always shout at it but really I just wanted it to go away and spray other things or get run over by a car. I didn't like being sprayed by a skunk every day when I went into work because you are treated like an animal by your friends and co-workers. Marky wore a surgical mask near me except on the air because then they wouldn't let him. I think the Patriots will win.

Those are all the playoff games. If there were more then I would talk about them, but there aren't.

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