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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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The High Reis: Top Playoff Storylines

All the playoff teams are this weekend so I decided to make a post about the top storylines in each game, which are all interesting. As explained to me, the storylines are the things people talk about. But it is more complicated than that. Anyway here are the storylines.

RAVENS VS. STEELERS

They say that teams try harder when they're mad at the other team but I don't think that's true. I was on a softball team one year at OSN and every game I accused the other team of cheating even if I liked them. I always made the umpire measure their bats because I said they were too long by the rules. People began to say "uh oh, we're playing Alex's team this week, he's going to make the umpire measure our bats." They did not invite me to play softball the year after that, although I would not have played anyway and that is true.

PACKERS VS. FALCONS

Everyone was hoping the Eagles would win and then Michael Vick would play his former team the Falcons. Then he could have beat them and taught them the ultimate lesson about giving up on your quarterback just because he murdered a bunch of dogs and went to jail for almost two years. Instead Atlanta will play the Packers who I don't know much about.

SEAHAWKS VS. BEARS

These are two garbage teams who got into the playoffs I don't know how. I heard the crowd made an earthquake when the Seahawks scored their big touchdown last week, but I think that's probably untrue. It's like when Chili's says they have the best lunch combos but they really overcook everything and get mad when you order a soda refill right at the end of lunch because they want to give away your table. But you get UNLIMITED SODA REFILLS.

JETS VS. PATRIOTS

The Jets are pretending they don't like the Patriots, but really I think they are just pretending. It's like when I had a skunk under my deck and every day I'd spray the hose at it and it would spray its scent at me before I went to work. I'd always shout at it but really I just wanted it to go away and spray other things or get run over by a car. I didn't like being sprayed by a skunk every day when I went into work because you are treated like an animal by your friends and co-workers. Marky wore a surgical mask near me except on the air because then they wouldn't let him. I think the Patriots will win.

Those are all the playoff games. If there were more then I would talk about them, but there aren't.

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