The High Reis: Top Sports Stories Of The Year

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 01

Modern-Day Cowboy Rides 18-Wheeler Full Of Entenmann's Products Westward

SOLOMON, KS—Awakening to the lonely howl of a distant coyote early Tuesday morning, C.J. Hoppel climbs into his 18-wheeler and sets off westward across a barren stretch of unbroken prairie, the whipping wind his only companion as he pulls a rig full of Entenmann's baked goods and snack cakes across the plains.

Robert Gibbs Stepping Down

While House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced he would be leaving his position as White House press secretary to work as a political adviser.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

The High Reis: Top Sports Stories Of The Year

The year is winding down once again, like it does every year. I decided to rank the top sports stories of the year, because there were many fine sports stories this year. Here they are.

1. Perfect Game Ruined By Idiot Umpire

What an idiot this guy was. How stupid can you be? A guy was out, but he called him safe. What a moron. He needs some glasses I guess! I assume he was fired, and I'm glad for it. Get some glasses, blind bat idiot. This story would have been funnier if it was Andres Galaragga, but somebody probably already pointed that out already.

2. LeBron Joins The Heat

People were angry when LeBron joined the Heat on TV, but I was ok with it. If nothing else it raised awareness for Vitamin Water, which I have been drinking near-constantly ever since. I also mix it with vodka, which is pretty good.

3. Michael Vick Returns To Football

Sometimes going to jail can be the best thing that ever happens to you. My twin brother went to jail for slamming into his boss's car one day when he worked at the ice rink. He came out a new man. His boss at the ice rink had killed himself for unrelated reasons and the new boss at the ice rink gave my brother a promotion. This is like what happened to Michael Vick.

4. Saints Win Super Bowl

I thought this happened in 2009, but it turns out it happened at the beginning of 2010. This was a good thing because it made the people of New Orleans happy, which many of them had not felt or been since most of them drowned there. But it was also a bad thing because I want them to move the Saints to somewhere else like Hawaii or Brazil. That would be great if they played football games in one of those places, and I could hang out there like "oh I'm covering the game." New Orleans is the worst.

5. Brett Favre's Penis

He says it's not his, but I'm pretty good at guessing what people's penises look like and I think it is him. That's why you never send sexy pictures of your penis to sexy women who send you online messages. I'd say 80 percent of the time you're actually sending your penis to a website.

6. I Went To A Yankees Game

It was fun. I got trashed. I shouted at Nick Johnson and called him a fat loser. He turned around and saw me, I think. Ha ha.

7. World Cup

I was going to rank this higher, but do you even remember what happened in it? I don't. Blowing on those horns was pretty fun, though. Remember those horns? I blew one in Marky's face once and he spilled hot tea all over himself. I told him that's what he gets for drinking tea like a weirdo. He had severe burns and had to go to the hospital. Actually those horns were pretty annoying.

Those were all the sports stories that were important in 2010.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More