The High Reis: Top Sports Stories Of The Year

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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The High Reis: Top Sports Stories Of The Year

The year is winding down once again, like it does every year. I decided to rank the top sports stories of the year, because there were many fine sports stories this year. Here they are.

1. Perfect Game Ruined By Idiot Umpire

What an idiot this guy was. How stupid can you be? A guy was out, but he called him safe. What a moron. He needs some glasses I guess! I assume he was fired, and I'm glad for it. Get some glasses, blind bat idiot. This story would have been funnier if it was Andres Galaragga, but somebody probably already pointed that out already.

2. LeBron Joins The Heat

People were angry when LeBron joined the Heat on TV, but I was ok with it. If nothing else it raised awareness for Vitamin Water, which I have been drinking near-constantly ever since. I also mix it with vodka, which is pretty good.

3. Michael Vick Returns To Football

Sometimes going to jail can be the best thing that ever happens to you. My twin brother went to jail for slamming into his boss's car one day when he worked at the ice rink. He came out a new man. His boss at the ice rink had killed himself for unrelated reasons and the new boss at the ice rink gave my brother a promotion. This is like what happened to Michael Vick.

4. Saints Win Super Bowl

I thought this happened in 2009, but it turns out it happened at the beginning of 2010. This was a good thing because it made the people of New Orleans happy, which many of them had not felt or been since most of them drowned there. But it was also a bad thing because I want them to move the Saints to somewhere else like Hawaii or Brazil. That would be great if they played football games in one of those places, and I could hang out there like "oh I'm covering the game." New Orleans is the worst.

5. Brett Favre's Penis

He says it's not his, but I'm pretty good at guessing what people's penises look like and I think it is him. That's why you never send sexy pictures of your penis to sexy women who send you online messages. I'd say 80 percent of the time you're actually sending your penis to a website.

6. I Went To A Yankees Game

It was fun. I got trashed. I shouted at Nick Johnson and called him a fat loser. He turned around and saw me, I think. Ha ha.

7. World Cup

I was going to rank this higher, but do you even remember what happened in it? I don't. Blowing on those horns was pretty fun, though. Remember those horns? I blew one in Marky's face once and he spilled hot tea all over himself. I told him that's what he gets for drinking tea like a weirdo. He had severe burns and had to go to the hospital. Actually those horns were pretty annoying.

Those were all the sports stories that were important in 2010.


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