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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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The High Reis: Top Sports Stories Of The Year

The year is winding down once again, like it does every year. I decided to rank the top sports stories of the year, because there were many fine sports stories this year. Here they are.

1. Perfect Game Ruined By Idiot Umpire

What an idiot this guy was. How stupid can you be? A guy was out, but he called him safe. What a moron. He needs some glasses I guess! I assume he was fired, and I'm glad for it. Get some glasses, blind bat idiot. This story would have been funnier if it was Andres Galaragga, but somebody probably already pointed that out already.

2. LeBron Joins The Heat

People were angry when LeBron joined the Heat on TV, but I was ok with it. If nothing else it raised awareness for Vitamin Water, which I have been drinking near-constantly ever since. I also mix it with vodka, which is pretty good.

3. Michael Vick Returns To Football

Sometimes going to jail can be the best thing that ever happens to you. My twin brother went to jail for slamming into his boss's car one day when he worked at the ice rink. He came out a new man. His boss at the ice rink had killed himself for unrelated reasons and the new boss at the ice rink gave my brother a promotion. This is like what happened to Michael Vick.

4. Saints Win Super Bowl

I thought this happened in 2009, but it turns out it happened at the beginning of 2010. This was a good thing because it made the people of New Orleans happy, which many of them had not felt or been since most of them drowned there. But it was also a bad thing because I want them to move the Saints to somewhere else like Hawaii or Brazil. That would be great if they played football games in one of those places, and I could hang out there like "oh I'm covering the game." New Orleans is the worst.

5. Brett Favre's Penis

He says it's not his, but I'm pretty good at guessing what people's penises look like and I think it is him. That's why you never send sexy pictures of your penis to sexy women who send you online messages. I'd say 80 percent of the time you're actually sending your penis to a website.

6. I Went To A Yankees Game

It was fun. I got trashed. I shouted at Nick Johnson and called him a fat loser. He turned around and saw me, I think. Ha ha.

7. World Cup

I was going to rank this higher, but do you even remember what happened in it? I don't. Blowing on those horns was pretty fun, though. Remember those horns? I blew one in Marky's face once and he spilled hot tea all over himself. I told him that's what he gets for drinking tea like a weirdo. He had severe burns and had to go to the hospital. Actually those horns were pretty annoying.

Those were all the sports stories that were important in 2010.

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