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Sports

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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The High Reis: Top Sports Stories Of The Year

The year is winding down once again, like it does every year. I decided to rank the top sports stories of the year, because there were many fine sports stories this year. Here they are.

1. Perfect Game Ruined By Idiot Umpire

What an idiot this guy was. How stupid can you be? A guy was out, but he called him safe. What a moron. He needs some glasses I guess! I assume he was fired, and I'm glad for it. Get some glasses, blind bat idiot. This story would have been funnier if it was Andres Galaragga, but somebody probably already pointed that out already.

2. LeBron Joins The Heat

People were angry when LeBron joined the Heat on TV, but I was ok with it. If nothing else it raised awareness for Vitamin Water, which I have been drinking near-constantly ever since. I also mix it with vodka, which is pretty good.

3. Michael Vick Returns To Football

Sometimes going to jail can be the best thing that ever happens to you. My twin brother went to jail for slamming into his boss's car one day when he worked at the ice rink. He came out a new man. His boss at the ice rink had killed himself for unrelated reasons and the new boss at the ice rink gave my brother a promotion. This is like what happened to Michael Vick.

4. Saints Win Super Bowl

I thought this happened in 2009, but it turns out it happened at the beginning of 2010. This was a good thing because it made the people of New Orleans happy, which many of them had not felt or been since most of them drowned there. But it was also a bad thing because I want them to move the Saints to somewhere else like Hawaii or Brazil. That would be great if they played football games in one of those places, and I could hang out there like "oh I'm covering the game." New Orleans is the worst.

5. Brett Favre's Penis

He says it's not his, but I'm pretty good at guessing what people's penises look like and I think it is him. That's why you never send sexy pictures of your penis to sexy women who send you online messages. I'd say 80 percent of the time you're actually sending your penis to a website.

6. I Went To A Yankees Game

It was fun. I got trashed. I shouted at Nick Johnson and called him a fat loser. He turned around and saw me, I think. Ha ha.

7. World Cup

I was going to rank this higher, but do you even remember what happened in it? I don't. Blowing on those horns was pretty fun, though. Remember those horns? I blew one in Marky's face once and he spilled hot tea all over himself. I told him that's what he gets for drinking tea like a weirdo. He had severe burns and had to go to the hospital. Actually those horns were pretty annoying.

Those were all the sports stories that were important in 2010.

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