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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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The High Reis: What Was That Part At The End

Football has a lot of confusing rules. I have been watching football for many years and I still don't understand them.

What happened at that part at the end of the first half? There was that weird play and the refs made some call but I didn't understand it. At the time there was a kid outside shouting about something. There are a lot of kids at my condo development, I don't know why. I think there are more kids in the world in general. Anyway the kid was shouting and throwing what look to be a pie tin up into the branches of a tree. There was a shirt up there, I think his shirt was blown into the tree or else someone threw it up there. I told him to be quiet and then I missed them talking about the play.

So what happened.

Good for Auburn for winning. I thought they would have lost. No one can ever take your title away from you, although they can say Cam Newton was a cheater and your defense was garbage and you probably just got lucky and wouldn't stand a chance in a seven-game series. But you're still probably pretty happy, I guess.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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