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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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The Importance Of Pedophiles To The High School Girls Field Hockey Landscape

OnionSportsNetwork.com cedes space to guest blogger and pedophile Terry Parker to explain why the recent uniform changes at the Radbourne Academy are an insult to pedophiles everywhere:

You may have heard the recent furor over the changes to the Radbourne Academy's Lady Wildcats uniforms. The fact that their sharp, crisp polo shirts have been replaced with loose t-shirt type jerseys. The switch from pleated skirts to bland, unflattering plain ones. The unforgivable elimination of argyle knee-high socks.

Is this one change the end of a pedophile's world? I will admit that the answer is no. We will still be watching from behind chain-link fences, from the front seats of our station wagons, rubbing our penises through our sweatpants. The focus is and always should be on the girls and we understand that better than anyone.

What must be said is that this is merely part of the problem, a systemic and ongoing exclusion of pedophiles from high school girls field hockey that, if left unchecked, could mean the end of this great and titillating sport.

Fact: more and more practices are being held inside indoor sports bubbles. Were you aware of this? Holding practices indoors means less places for pedophiles to lurk, more security to get by, a higher percentage of snoopy parents looking over their shoulder and taking down license plate numbers. This is a hostile change targeted at the pedophile community.

Fact: the season is being played later and later in the year, no longer starting in those warm, sweaty, sultry Indian summers of August and September. Instead they are being played out in frigid November and December, where bulky sweatshirts and flabby thermal shirts prevail. Thank god for form-fitting spandex Under Armor is all I will say about that.

Did you know that pedophiles contribute over 75% of high school girls field hockey budgets? It's true. This long-struggling sport would be kidnapped, strangled and left dead in a ditch if it were not for the tireless efforts of pedophiles, donating dollar after dollar to their cause instead of buying things for their wife or still-too-young children.

So please. Speak up. Pedophiles alone cannot change the tide of pedophile-unfriendly behavior at girl's field hockey and girl's diving and co-ed wrestling and boys fencing. Call up your school board and demand change, or else call, breathe heavily into the phone and emit a high-pitched cackle. Together we can make a difference.

Together, we are all pedophiles.

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