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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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The Importance Of Pedophiles To The High School Girls Field Hockey Landscape

OnionSportsNetwork.com cedes space to guest blogger and pedophile Terry Parker to explain why the recent uniform changes at the Radbourne Academy are an insult to pedophiles everywhere:

You may have heard the recent furor over the changes to the Radbourne Academy's Lady Wildcats uniforms. The fact that their sharp, crisp polo shirts have been replaced with loose t-shirt type jerseys. The switch from pleated skirts to bland, unflattering plain ones. The unforgivable elimination of argyle knee-high socks.

Is this one change the end of a pedophile's world? I will admit that the answer is no. We will still be watching from behind chain-link fences, from the front seats of our station wagons, rubbing our penises through our sweatpants. The focus is and always should be on the girls and we understand that better than anyone.

What must be said is that this is merely part of the problem, a systemic and ongoing exclusion of pedophiles from high school girls field hockey that, if left unchecked, could mean the end of this great and titillating sport.

Fact: more and more practices are being held inside indoor sports bubbles. Were you aware of this? Holding practices indoors means less places for pedophiles to lurk, more security to get by, a higher percentage of snoopy parents looking over their shoulder and taking down license plate numbers. This is a hostile change targeted at the pedophile community.

Fact: the season is being played later and later in the year, no longer starting in those warm, sweaty, sultry Indian summers of August and September. Instead they are being played out in frigid November and December, where bulky sweatshirts and flabby thermal shirts prevail. Thank god for form-fitting spandex Under Armor is all I will say about that.

Did you know that pedophiles contribute over 75% of high school girls field hockey budgets? It's true. This long-struggling sport would be kidnapped, strangled and left dead in a ditch if it were not for the tireless efforts of pedophiles, donating dollar after dollar to their cause instead of buying things for their wife or still-too-young children.

So please. Speak up. Pedophiles alone cannot change the tide of pedophile-unfriendly behavior at girl's field hockey and girl's diving and co-ed wrestling and boys fencing. Call up your school board and demand change, or else call, breathe heavily into the phone and emit a high-pitched cackle. Together we can make a difference.

Together, we are all pedophiles.

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