adBlockCheck

Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Importance Of Pedophiles To The High School Girls Field Hockey Landscape

OnionSportsNetwork.com cedes space to guest blogger and pedophile Terry Parker to explain why the recent uniform changes at the Radbourne Academy are an insult to pedophiles everywhere:

You may have heard the recent furor over the changes to the Radbourne Academy's Lady Wildcats uniforms. The fact that their sharp, crisp polo shirts have been replaced with loose t-shirt type jerseys. The switch from pleated skirts to bland, unflattering plain ones. The unforgivable elimination of argyle knee-high socks.

Is this one change the end of a pedophile's world? I will admit that the answer is no. We will still be watching from behind chain-link fences, from the front seats of our station wagons, rubbing our penises through our sweatpants. The focus is and always should be on the girls and we understand that better than anyone.

What must be said is that this is merely part of the problem, a systemic and ongoing exclusion of pedophiles from high school girls field hockey that, if left unchecked, could mean the end of this great and titillating sport.

Fact: more and more practices are being held inside indoor sports bubbles. Were you aware of this? Holding practices indoors means less places for pedophiles to lurk, more security to get by, a higher percentage of snoopy parents looking over their shoulder and taking down license plate numbers. This is a hostile change targeted at the pedophile community.

Fact: the season is being played later and later in the year, no longer starting in those warm, sweaty, sultry Indian summers of August and September. Instead they are being played out in frigid November and December, where bulky sweatshirts and flabby thermal shirts prevail. Thank god for form-fitting spandex Under Armor is all I will say about that.

Did you know that pedophiles contribute over 75% of high school girls field hockey budgets? It's true. This long-struggling sport would be kidnapped, strangled and left dead in a ditch if it were not for the tireless efforts of pedophiles, donating dollar after dollar to their cause instead of buying things for their wife or still-too-young children.

So please. Speak up. Pedophiles alone cannot change the tide of pedophile-unfriendly behavior at girl's field hockey and girl's diving and co-ed wrestling and boys fencing. Call up your school board and demand change, or else call, breathe heavily into the phone and emit a high-pitched cackle. Together we can make a difference.

Together, we are all pedophiles.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close