The Importance Of Pedophiles To The High School Girls Field Hockey Landscape

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Spring

The Importance Of Pedophiles To The High School Girls Field Hockey Landscape

OnionSportsNetwork.com cedes space to guest blogger and pedophile Terry Parker to explain why the recent uniform changes at the Radbourne Academy are an insult to pedophiles everywhere:

You may have heard the recent furor over the changes to the Radbourne Academy's Lady Wildcats uniforms. The fact that their sharp, crisp polo shirts have been replaced with loose t-shirt type jerseys. The switch from pleated skirts to bland, unflattering plain ones. The unforgivable elimination of argyle knee-high socks.

Is this one change the end of a pedophile's world? I will admit that the answer is no. We will still be watching from behind chain-link fences, from the front seats of our station wagons, rubbing our penises through our sweatpants. The focus is and always should be on the girls and we understand that better than anyone.

What must be said is that this is merely part of the problem, a systemic and ongoing exclusion of pedophiles from high school girls field hockey that, if left unchecked, could mean the end of this great and titillating sport.

Fact: more and more practices are being held inside indoor sports bubbles. Were you aware of this? Holding practices indoors means less places for pedophiles to lurk, more security to get by, a higher percentage of snoopy parents looking over their shoulder and taking down license plate numbers. This is a hostile change targeted at the pedophile community.

Fact: the season is being played later and later in the year, no longer starting in those warm, sweaty, sultry Indian summers of August and September. Instead they are being played out in frigid November and December, where bulky sweatshirts and flabby thermal shirts prevail. Thank god for form-fitting spandex Under Armor is all I will say about that.

Did you know that pedophiles contribute over 75% of high school girls field hockey budgets? It's true. This long-struggling sport would be kidnapped, strangled and left dead in a ditch if it were not for the tireless efforts of pedophiles, donating dollar after dollar to their cause instead of buying things for their wife or still-too-young children.

So please. Speak up. Pedophiles alone cannot change the tide of pedophile-unfriendly behavior at girl's field hockey and girl's diving and co-ed wrestling and boys fencing. Call up your school board and demand change, or else call, breathe heavily into the phone and emit a high-pitched cackle. Together we can make a difference.

Together, we are all pedophiles.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More