adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Next Day

You're tired from a late night out with friends, and you have to be up for breakfast with your parents. Here are some ways to survive the day:

  • Give your bullwhip a few good cracks before leaving the house.
  • A spoon left in the freezer overnight is perfect for soothing puffy eyelids and will help you solve the mystery of where all your utensils ended up.
  • Rehearse phrases that will make you seem ahead of the game, like "I love you" and "Dad."
  • Invite your wingman from the night before to make small talk with family members; reward him with the pick of your hottest cousins.
  • Slowly pour a pitcher of ice water down your boxer shorts. This is from a movie.
  • Your parents were young once, too. They’ll understand whatever lie you come up with to get out of it.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close