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The Next Day

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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The Next Day

You're tired from a late night out with friends, and you have to be up for breakfast with your parents. Here are some ways to survive the day:

  • Give your bullwhip a few good cracks before leaving the house.
  • A spoon left in the freezer overnight is perfect for soothing puffy eyelids and will help you solve the mystery of where all your utensils ended up.
  • Rehearse phrases that will make you seem ahead of the game, like "I love you" and "Dad."
  • Invite your wingman from the night before to make small talk with family members; reward him with the pick of your hottest cousins.
  • Slowly pour a pitcher of ice water down your boxer shorts. This is from a movie.
  • Your parents were young once, too. They’ll understand whatever lie you come up with to get out of it.

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