The NFL's History Of Military Action

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Vol 47 Issue 09

MLB Quietly Euthanizes 120 Unnecessary Players

NEW YORK—In what it called a basic housecleaning move, Major League Baseball euthanized 120 players Wednesday, including Tyler Colvin, Nolan Reimold, and 118 others deemed inconsequential or redundant.

Sources Say Atlanta Thrashers 27-28-11

ATLANTA—Sources from within the Atlanta Thrashers organization indicated Thursday that the team currently ranks 11th in the Eastern Conference standings with a record of 27-28-11.

Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
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The NFL's History Of Military Action

Word has come down that the National Football League has launched a series of missiles into a Cambodian factory/elementary school thought to be fabricating unlicensed NFL merchandise. Though the death toll in the factory has reached into the hundreds, many of them children, it is far from the bloodiest day in the long, brutal history of the NFL.

  • 1920 - Began as the American Professional Football Conference in an effort to rival Major League Baseball, the eleven inaugural teams organize a small militia to kill off every member of the Boston Red Stockings
  • 1944 - The NFL wins several key World War II battles as part of their initial effort to spawn NFL Europe
  • 1966 - Several National Football League paratroopers fire into a crowd of peaceful AFL fans
  • 1982 - In response to a 57 day long players' strike, the league has every last player exterminated and replaced with dutiful, compliant clones
  • 1987 - The USFL is firebombed out of existence
  • 1995 - Armed representatives of the League Subcommittee to Promote Expansion aggressively invade Jacksonville, even though no one there wants a football team whatsoever
  • 2003 - NFL invades and quickly conquers American Samoa to enslave their people and put them to work in their secondaries and defensive lines
  • 2006 - NFL operatives nearly complete their mission to kill Terrell Owens and make it look like a suicide
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