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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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The NFL's History Of Military Action

Word has come down that the National Football League has launched a series of missiles into a Cambodian factory/elementary school thought to be fabricating unlicensed NFL merchandise. Though the death toll in the factory has reached into the hundreds, many of them children, it is far from the bloodiest day in the long, brutal history of the NFL.

  • 1920 - Began as the American Professional Football Conference in an effort to rival Major League Baseball, the eleven inaugural teams organize a small militia to kill off every member of the Boston Red Stockings
  • 1944 - The NFL wins several key World War II battles as part of their initial effort to spawn NFL Europe
  • 1966 - Several National Football League paratroopers fire into a crowd of peaceful AFL fans
  • 1982 - In response to a 57 day long players' strike, the league has every last player exterminated and replaced with dutiful, compliant clones
  • 1987 - The USFL is firebombed out of existence
  • 1995 - Armed representatives of the League Subcommittee to Promote Expansion aggressively invade Jacksonville, even though no one there wants a football team whatsoever
  • 2003 - NFL invades and quickly conquers American Samoa to enslave their people and put them to work in their secondaries and defensive lines
  • 2006 - NFL operatives nearly complete their mission to kill Terrell Owens and make it look like a suicide

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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