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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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The NFL's History Of Military Action

Word has come down that the National Football League has launched a series of missiles into a Cambodian factory/elementary school thought to be fabricating unlicensed NFL merchandise. Though the death toll in the factory has reached into the hundreds, many of them children, it is far from the bloodiest day in the long, brutal history of the NFL.

  • 1920 - Began as the American Professional Football Conference in an effort to rival Major League Baseball, the eleven inaugural teams organize a small militia to kill off every member of the Boston Red Stockings
  • 1944 - The NFL wins several key World War II battles as part of their initial effort to spawn NFL Europe
  • 1966 - Several National Football League paratroopers fire into a crowd of peaceful AFL fans
  • 1982 - In response to a 57 day long players' strike, the league has every last player exterminated and replaced with dutiful, compliant clones
  • 1987 - The USFL is firebombed out of existence
  • 1995 - Armed representatives of the League Subcommittee to Promote Expansion aggressively invade Jacksonville, even though no one there wants a football team whatsoever
  • 2003 - NFL invades and quickly conquers American Samoa to enslave their people and put them to work in their secondaries and defensive lines
  • 2006 - NFL operatives nearly complete their mission to kill Terrell Owens and make it look like a suicide

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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