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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards

WASHINGTON—With six or more hours remaining before most polling locations close, The Onion is officially calling Florida, Ohio, Colorado, and Pennsylvania for John Edwards, giving the former North Carolina senator 76 electoral votes and virtually assuring his election to the presidency.

Edwards, who exit polls reveal has the support of nearly the entire U.S. populace, and who immediately won California, New York, and Texas the moment the polls opened, has already amassed 70 million votes and accumulated a virtually insurmountable lead in the electoral college.

The Onion is now also calling Oregon, Missouri, Iowa, Wisconsin, Kentucky, and Oklahoma for Edwards, whom members of this editorial board endorsed last month with an elegant piece that highlighted his many accomplishments, most notably his 2007 extramarital affair, which he nobly and bravely conducted while his wife was dying of cancer.

With every single voter in Virginia thus far casting a ballot for Edwards, The Onion is awarding the Old Dominion’s 13 electors to the Democrat as well, giving the charming, handsome former attorney with unquestionable leadership skills 270 electoral votes, and thus making him the winner of the 2012 general election and the 45th president of the United States of America.

The Onion would like to congratulate John Edwards on his victory.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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