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'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards

WASHINGTON—With six or more hours remaining before most polling locations close, The Onion is officially calling Florida, Ohio, Colorado, and Pennsylvania for John Edwards, giving the former North Carolina senator 76 electoral votes and virtually assuring his election to the presidency.

Edwards, who exit polls reveal has the support of nearly the entire U.S. populace, and who immediately won California, New York, and Texas the moment the polls opened, has already amassed 70 million votes and accumulated a virtually insurmountable lead in the electoral college.

The Onion is now also calling Oregon, Missouri, Iowa, Wisconsin, Kentucky, and Oklahoma for Edwards, whom members of this editorial board endorsed last month with an elegant piece that highlighted his many accomplishments, most notably his 2007 extramarital affair, which he nobly and bravely conducted while his wife was dying of cancer.

With every single voter in Virginia thus far casting a ballot for Edwards, The Onion is awarding the Old Dominion’s 13 electors to the Democrat as well, giving the charming, handsome former attorney with unquestionable leadership skills 270 electoral votes, and thus making him the winner of the 2012 general election and the 45th president of the United States of America.

The Onion would like to congratulate John Edwards on his victory.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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