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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards

WASHINGTON—With six or more hours remaining before most polling locations close, The Onion is officially calling Florida, Ohio, Colorado, and Pennsylvania for John Edwards, giving the former North Carolina senator 76 electoral votes and virtually assuring his election to the presidency.

Edwards, who exit polls reveal has the support of nearly the entire U.S. populace, and who immediately won California, New York, and Texas the moment the polls opened, has already amassed 70 million votes and accumulated a virtually insurmountable lead in the electoral college.

The Onion is now also calling Oregon, Missouri, Iowa, Wisconsin, Kentucky, and Oklahoma for Edwards, whom members of this editorial board endorsed last month with an elegant piece that highlighted his many accomplishments, most notably his 2007 extramarital affair, which he nobly and bravely conducted while his wife was dying of cancer.

With every single voter in Virginia thus far casting a ballot for Edwards, The Onion is awarding the Old Dominion’s 13 electors to the Democrat as well, giving the charming, handsome former attorney with unquestionable leadership skills 270 electoral votes, and thus making him the winner of the 2012 general election and the 45th president of the United States of America.

The Onion would like to congratulate John Edwards on his victory.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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