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'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
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'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards

WASHINGTON—With six or more hours remaining before most polling locations close, The Onion is officially calling Florida, Ohio, Colorado, and Pennsylvania for John Edwards, giving the former North Carolina senator 76 electoral votes and virtually assuring his election to the presidency.

Edwards, who exit polls reveal has the support of nearly the entire U.S. populace, and who immediately won California, New York, and Texas the moment the polls opened, has already amassed 70 million votes and accumulated a virtually insurmountable lead in the electoral college.

The Onion is now also calling Oregon, Missouri, Iowa, Wisconsin, Kentucky, and Oklahoma for Edwards, whom members of this editorial board endorsed last month with an elegant piece that highlighted his many accomplishments, most notably his 2007 extramarital affair, which he nobly and bravely conducted while his wife was dying of cancer.

With every single voter in Virginia thus far casting a ballot for Edwards, The Onion is awarding the Old Dominion’s 13 electors to the Democrat as well, giving the charming, handsome former attorney with unquestionable leadership skills 270 electoral votes, and thus making him the winner of the 2012 general election and the 45th president of the United States of America.

The Onion would like to congratulate John Edwards on his victory.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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