adBlockCheck

The Onion Demands John Kerry Tell The Truth About His Swift Boat Service

Top Headlines

Politics

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Onion Demands John Kerry Tell The Truth About His Swift Boat Service

In this age of global tumult and unrest, it is of the very utmost importance that our government officials are straightforward, candid, honorable individuals who demonstrate a steadfast unwillingness to cede the nation's interests to the enemy. And among these varied posts, there is perhaps none more vital to our continued security and safety than the office of Secretary of State. Choosing a man for this position is not a decision that should be made lightly, and yet the current nominee, Senator John Forbes Kerry, currently appears likely to pass through the nomination process unimpeded, having curried the favor of legislators on both sides of the aisle.

However, it is our duty as the vanguard of journalistic excellence to hold our leaders to a more exacting standard. And so, The Onion today demands that, before the confirmation process is allowed to continue, John Kerry be forced to tell the full and unvarnished truth about his service as a swift boat commander in the Vietnam War so that the concerns of the legions of doubters may at last be put to rest.

What exactly happened on that swift boat, Senator Kerry? And what, exactly, are you trying to hide?

According to John Kerry's recount of his time spent in the U.S. Naval Reserve, the young officer performed honorably in service of his country, ultimately being awarded several combat medals, including a Silver Star and three Purple Hearts. However, numerous credible sources, including many of the very men who served alongside him in his swift boat unit, have poked innumerable holes in Kerry's narrative, calling into question the truth of the senator's inconsistent account. They, speaking as honorable representatives of the American people, have posed pertinent questions regarding Kerry's wartime experience, to which the senator has so far remained mute, having deflected these reasonable questions with excuses and half-truths that have failed to resolve our valid concerns about his character.

Is this the type of man we want as our nation's highest-ranking diplomatic representative? Can we really trust Kerry as Secretary of State if we cannot trust him to give an honest recount of his military record? Do the American people deserve no better? We believe that they do.

And so we take up the mantle of the recently disbanded Swift Boat Vets And POWs For Truth—a humble and virtuous tax-exempt political advocacy group—and demand that Senator Kerry answer the following:

Why do your fellow officers and subordinates present accounts of your time in Vietnam that vary so dramatically from your own?

Why does swift boat commander Larry Thurlow allege that you lied about your supposedly heroic 1969 rescue of a green beret?

Did you throw away the medals you received during your so-called service to our country? Why have your accounts on this issue been so inconsistent?

Why do you claim to have spent time in Cambodia, when the record clearly shows the U.S. never engaged that country in military operations?

What do you say to allegations that your 2004 presidential campaign team tampered with voter rolls in key Wisconsin precincts that allowed you to take the state?

Until John Kerry steps forward and answers these questions with the transparency and specificity we require, we will not cease assailing him, and we will not cease our opposition to his candidacy for Secretary of State. Senator Kerry, if you truly value the openness and truthfulness that is part and parcel of this vaunted office, you will promptly come clean and, following that, formally remove yourself from consideration for this position.

It’s your move, Senator Kerry. The Onion trusts you will do what’s right.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close