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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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‘The Onion’ Encourages Israel And Palestine Not To Give A Single, Goddamn Inch

As the ongoing conflict between Israelis and Palestinians once again threatens to intensify, the international community has called on both sides to come together and engage in peace talks. On Wednesday, leaders from both sides will meet face-to-face in Jerusalem for the first time in five years, to discuss the terms of a Palestinian state alongside Israel, the drawing of a secure border between the two nations, and the fate of Palestinian refugees.

Ahead of these meetings, The Onion would like to firmly and categorically urge both Israelis and Palestinians to stand tall and steadfastly refuse to give up so much as a single inch during the negotiations.

Israelis and Palestinians, you must accept nothing short of total victory against those who threaten your religion and way of life. Sacrificing just one of your ideals would at this point be tantamount to complete and utter failure.

If a settlement is built, you must attack it. If a settlement is attacked, you must rebuild it. Rocks must be met with bullets; bullets must be met with rocket fire; rocket fire must be met with helicopter assaults. This is the only noble way forward for either side.

Having tirelessly waged this war for over six decades, will you, Palestinian forces and Israeli soldiers, simply give up? Will you crawl to the negotiating table like gutless cowards and compromise with your enemy, undermining all that your compatriots fought for over the past century? Will you spit on the graves of those countless men, women, and children who have spilled their blood and given their lives for your cause? Do you, Israelis and Palestinians, have any backbone whatsoever?

The Onion knows that compromise is for the weak. True bravery means never giving in, never backing down, and never, ever shying away from your principles. Mere words will not end this war. We call on Jews and Arabs alike to stand your ground and show you are willing to die for your cause. Only then will your enemy back down. The Onion can guarantee you that.

Many global leaders have called on Prime Minister Netanyahu and President Abbas to make concessions. The Onion insists that you ignore such pressure no matter the cost, unless of course you welcome the prospect of forsaking your own people and surrendering in shame. And with regards to this pathetic “Two-State Solution,” consider this question: Do those brutish, lowly pigs on the opposing side truly have a right to occupy your land? The answer is, and always has been, no. Why defy God’s will and allow them to take land that is not rightfully theirs? Rather than agree to this so-called compromise, you may as well just wave a white flag, give up, and let your proud people be trampled under the dirty, savage feet of your bitter rivals.

Instead, both sides must continue building arsenals of weapons and artillery, and must not under any circumstances hesitate to use them. The Onion implores you to attack their military bases, assassinate their leaders, and bomb their cities. And always remember that civilian casualties are merely collateral damage in your mission to seize land that—through the very decree of God Himself—belongs to your people and your people alone.

The Onion would now like to address the leaders of these two warring factions individually.

Prime Minister Netanyahu, we ask that you continue your brave resistance to the threats against your people. Every time your homeland falls under attack from Gaza, not only must you exercise your right to defend your countrymen, you must respond tenfold. For every rocket that is fired and for every stone that is thrown, send an army of your best soldiers to kill 100 Palestinians in their homes. Rip a father away from his children, drag him into the street, and execute him in front of his entire family. The Onion assures you that such action is the only way the Palestinians will come to understand that every act of violence against your people will have devastating consequences. Meanwhile, forge ahead with plans to open new Jewish settlements in the West Bank and east Jerusalem. And once those are complete, build more settlements. Expand until the entire region is back in the rightful hands of God’s chosen people. Keep in mind that you have the might of one of the world’s greatest and most disciplined militaries at your disposal, not to mention the backing of some of the most powerful nations on earth, so do not let those advantages go to waste. You cannot sacrifice your religious morals and principles in order to negotiate with terrorists. Every time the thought of compromise even crosses your mind for a second, remember that your people have suffered for thousands of years, struggled against the most brutal forms of oppression, and fought tirelessly so that Jews today can have a unified national state to call their home.

And President Abbas, The Onion would like to remind you of the sick and reprehensible crimes that these Zionist murderers have inflicted upon your people. These are the same savages who starve your families, who deny them clean water, who send combat drones into your skies, who murder unarmed women and children and drop bombs onto neighborhood streets. You cannot negotiate with such heartless animals—your only option is to relentlessly attack them until they cower in submission. So embrace the brave freedom fighters of Hamas, and continue waging your holy war against the oppressive Israeli government. Every time Israel builds on your lands, bring their buildings to the ground. Flood east Jerusalem with rockets and do not rest until every settlement is reduced to rubble. This is your home, and you cannot give it up without a fight. Do not let the bloodthirsty Zionists who stole your homeland from under your very nose like common thieves tell you that Palestine is not a rightful nation. And most importantly, do not let anyone tell you that you have to share it with them.

And to both of you: As direct talks commence tomorrow, The Onion only hopes that you hold on firmly to your convictions and maintain your unflinching resolve to protect the interests of your people, regardless of the cost in money and blood.

Remain steadfast. Remain strong. And never give up your noble fight, even if it takes several more generations.

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