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The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

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The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China

In the wake of a four-month cyber-assault by Chinese hackers on the New York Times, during which multiple high-level Times reporters’ passwords were stolen using sophisticated infiltration techniques, The Onion would like to once again affirm our commitment to providing the Chinese government with our employees’ passwords and personal information with total and unquestioning cooperation.

As a billion-dollar multinational conglomerate and fellow global superpower, The Onion shares a special affinity with the guiding principles of The People’s Republic of China. In fact, we love China. Wealth is strength, and The Onion takes pride in aligning itself with the strong. In that spirit, we simply cannot overstate our commitment to compromising our journalistic integrity to accommodate China in any way possible.

Here are 10 more names and passwords of Onion employees:

Jessica Vaughn: Herbie12
Keith Jackson: 1274beechwood
Samuel Jennings: gul@g@rchipellig0
Deondra Northington: felixx44
Camille Ryan: missTee54
Undine Hurley: april8two08
Ross Bergman: bugsy8908
Ira Heidenrich: 009siam
Joyce Horn: silverstei22@
Brock Campbell: NeviL305

Do with them as you will.

China boasts the world’s biggest population, fastest-growing economy, and is the recipient of more foreign direct investment than any other country on the globe. The Onion aims to be on the right side of history, and towards that end, China is also welcome to our employees’ social security numbers, home addresses, and medical and voting histories if ever they would like to see them.

In closing, let us say that The Onion is delighted to act as a cog in China’s massive propaganda machine. We have no qualms betraying the privacy and information-sharing laws of this nation, secure in our confidence of America’s imminent collapse at the feet of the Eastern superpower. The age of cooperative trade and human rights accountability is long dead, and when our Chinese overlords colonize this crumbling land, The Onion will be glad to have been of some modest service.

Also, we would like to address the following message directly to Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao: If there is anything else you need, dear friend, please just ask.

Sincerely,

The Onion Editorial Board

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