adBlockCheck

The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China

In the wake of a four-month cyber-assault by Chinese hackers on the New York Times, during which multiple high-level Times reporters’ passwords were stolen using sophisticated infiltration techniques, The Onion would like to once again affirm our commitment to providing the Chinese government with our employees’ passwords and personal information with total and unquestioning cooperation.

As a billion-dollar multinational conglomerate and fellow global superpower, The Onion shares a special affinity with the guiding principles of The People’s Republic of China. In fact, we love China. Wealth is strength, and The Onion takes pride in aligning itself with the strong. In that spirit, we simply cannot overstate our commitment to compromising our journalistic integrity to accommodate China in any way possible.

Here are 10 more names and passwords of Onion employees:

Jessica Vaughn: Herbie12
Keith Jackson: 1274beechwood
Samuel Jennings: gul@g@rchipellig0
Deondra Northington: felixx44
Camille Ryan: missTee54
Undine Hurley: april8two08
Ross Bergman: bugsy8908
Ira Heidenrich: 009siam
Joyce Horn: silverstei22@
Brock Campbell: NeviL305

Do with them as you will.

China boasts the world’s biggest population, fastest-growing economy, and is the recipient of more foreign direct investment than any other country on the globe. The Onion aims to be on the right side of history, and towards that end, China is also welcome to our employees’ social security numbers, home addresses, and medical and voting histories if ever they would like to see them.

In closing, let us say that The Onion is delighted to act as a cog in China’s massive propaganda machine. We have no qualms betraying the privacy and information-sharing laws of this nation, secure in our confidence of America’s imminent collapse at the feet of the Eastern superpower. The age of cooperative trade and human rights accountability is long dead, and when our Chinese overlords colonize this crumbling land, The Onion will be glad to have been of some modest service.

Also, we would like to address the following message directly to Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao: If there is anything else you need, dear friend, please just ask.

Sincerely,

The Onion Editorial Board

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close