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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China

In the wake of a four-month cyber-assault by Chinese hackers on the New York Times, during which multiple high-level Times reporters’ passwords were stolen using sophisticated infiltration techniques, The Onion would like to once again affirm our commitment to providing the Chinese government with our employees’ passwords and personal information with total and unquestioning cooperation.

As a billion-dollar multinational conglomerate and fellow global superpower, The Onion shares a special affinity with the guiding principles of The People’s Republic of China. In fact, we love China. Wealth is strength, and The Onion takes pride in aligning itself with the strong. In that spirit, we simply cannot overstate our commitment to compromising our journalistic integrity to accommodate China in any way possible.

Here are 10 more names and passwords of Onion employees:

Jessica Vaughn: Herbie12
Keith Jackson: 1274beechwood
Samuel Jennings: gul@g@rchipellig0
Deondra Northington: felixx44
Camille Ryan: missTee54
Undine Hurley: april8two08
Ross Bergman: bugsy8908
Ira Heidenrich: 009siam
Joyce Horn: silverstei22@
Brock Campbell: NeviL305

Do with them as you will.

China boasts the world’s biggest population, fastest-growing economy, and is the recipient of more foreign direct investment than any other country on the globe. The Onion aims to be on the right side of history, and towards that end, China is also welcome to our employees’ social security numbers, home addresses, and medical and voting histories if ever they would like to see them.

In closing, let us say that The Onion is delighted to act as a cog in China’s massive propaganda machine. We have no qualms betraying the privacy and information-sharing laws of this nation, secure in our confidence of America’s imminent collapse at the feet of the Eastern superpower. The age of cooperative trade and human rights accountability is long dead, and when our Chinese overlords colonize this crumbling land, The Onion will be glad to have been of some modest service.

Also, we would like to address the following message directly to Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao: If there is anything else you need, dear friend, please just ask.

Sincerely,

The Onion Editorial Board

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