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The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China

In the wake of a four-month cyber-assault by Chinese hackers on the New York Times, during which multiple high-level Times reporters’ passwords were stolen using sophisticated infiltration techniques, The Onion would like to once again affirm our commitment to providing the Chinese government with our employees’ passwords and personal information with total and unquestioning cooperation.

As a billion-dollar multinational conglomerate and fellow global superpower, The Onion shares a special affinity with the guiding principles of The People’s Republic of China. In fact, we love China. Wealth is strength, and The Onion takes pride in aligning itself with the strong. In that spirit, we simply cannot overstate our commitment to compromising our journalistic integrity to accommodate China in any way possible.

Here are 10 more names and passwords of Onion employees:

Jessica Vaughn: Herbie12
Keith Jackson: 1274beechwood
Samuel Jennings: gul@g@rchipellig0
Deondra Northington: felixx44
Camille Ryan: missTee54
Undine Hurley: april8two08
Ross Bergman: bugsy8908
Ira Heidenrich: 009siam
Joyce Horn: silverstei22@
Brock Campbell: NeviL305

Do with them as you will.

China boasts the world’s biggest population, fastest-growing economy, and is the recipient of more foreign direct investment than any other country on the globe. The Onion aims to be on the right side of history, and towards that end, China is also welcome to our employees’ social security numbers, home addresses, and medical and voting histories if ever they would like to see them.

In closing, let us say that The Onion is delighted to act as a cog in China’s massive propaganda machine. We have no qualms betraying the privacy and information-sharing laws of this nation, secure in our confidence of America’s imminent collapse at the feet of the Eastern superpower. The age of cooperative trade and human rights accountability is long dead, and when our Chinese overlords colonize this crumbling land, The Onion will be glad to have been of some modest service.

Also, we would like to address the following message directly to Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao: If there is anything else you need, dear friend, please just ask.

Sincerely,

The Onion Editorial Board

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