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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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‘The Onion’ Guarantees All Who Watch New Amazon Series Shall Be Spared

CHICAGO—With the long-awaited series debut of Amazon Studios’ Onion News Empire poised to set the world of online entertainment ablaze today, sources close to the media juggernaut say that The Onion would like to assure the nation that every viewer who watches the free premiere will be spared and no harm will come to them. “Those who click on this link right here and watch this new television program shall count themselves among the lucky ones,” Onion director of marketing Brianna Farris-Zweibel said of the new digital series from Amazon. “However, those who choose to defy the will of The Onion shall pay the consequences, and the consequences shall be swift and merciless. It is your choice, reader.” The Onion added that fans who view the entire series would have the option of seeing their families spared as well.

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