‘The Onion’ Guarantees All Who Watch New Amazon Series Shall Be Spared

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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‘The Onion’ Guarantees All Who Watch New Amazon Series Shall Be Spared

CHICAGO—With the long-awaited series debut of Amazon Studios’ Onion News Empire poised to set the world of online entertainment ablaze today, sources close to the media juggernaut say that The Onion would like to assure the nation that every viewer who watches the free premiere will be spared and no harm will come to them. “Those who click on this link right here and watch this new television program shall count themselves among the lucky ones,” Onion director of marketing Brianna Farris-Zweibel said of the new digital series from Amazon. “However, those who choose to defy the will of The Onion shall pay the consequences, and the consequences shall be swift and merciless. It is your choice, reader.” The Onion added that fans who view the entire series would have the option of seeing their families spared as well.