adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
End Of Section
  • More News

THE ONION NEWS NETWORK CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR EAST COAST EARTHQUAKE AND HURRICANE

Testing New Machine, Disastronome XG-479, The Onion News Network Creates Natural Disasters At Will

New York, NY (August 25, 2011) - Natural disasters are sweeping the East Coast of our great nation: An Earthquake struck Tuesday afternoon in Virginia, and a hurricane is currently making its way north from Florida. Shedding light on this situation, The Onion News Network announced today that both events were caused by the omnipresent hand of the most powerful name in cable news, The Onion News Network.

For decades The Onion News Network has been developing a machine called the DXG-479, also known as the Disastronome XG-479, designed to create natural disasters at will. The science behind the machine is too complicated for most Americans to understand, but suffice to say it involves thousands of hydraulic pistons buried deep in the Earth's crust, harnessing the gravitational pull of the moon. This week the world saw the results of The Onion News Network’s initial tests of the Disastronome.

The purpose of building this machine is obvious: It will allow The Onion News Network to become even more dominant as the world's number-one cable news channel.

Bracing for slow news days in the not too distant future where the only headlines are about Obama giving up on another policy debate and Kim Kardashian's divorce proceedings, the network eagerly awaits the opportunity to utilize this newfound technology.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a tornado can touch down directly on top of a fireworks factory filled with elementary school students on a field trip. The Onion News Network will be first to the scene ahead of time to start cameras rolling.

“The Disastronome is every cable news journalist’s dream,” said The Onion News Network’s lead anchor Brooke Alvarez. “The footage will be glorious: Children running for their lives as the tornado whips the fireworks up into a whirling funnel of explosions. An animated headline and my face will swoosh onto every TV screen in America reading "Special Report: Twister Terror Grips The Heartland."

With the Disastronome, The Onion News Network can now cover a new catastrophe every day of the week, from mud slides to wildfires to never-before-seen natural disasters such as thundernadoes and lava blizzards.

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th at 10pm on IFC.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close