THE ONION NEWS NETWORK CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR EAST COAST EARTHQUAKE AND HURRICANE

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 36

Community Devastated By Sight Of Old Man Struggling To Walk Up Steps

UNIONTOWN, PA—An elderly man currently struggling to walk up a flight of steps at the local post office has rocked this community of nearly 12,000 people, leaving many shaken and devastated by the slow-moving, wheezing octogenarian's inability to perform what was once an effortless physical task, sources confirmed Thursday.

House Condescendingly Approves $400 In Added Stimulus

WASHINGTON—Following President Obama’s speech on the state of the U.S. economy Thursday, House Republicans patronizingly approved an additional $400 in added fiscal stimulus and then sarcastically urged the nation to use the money to go fill in a pothole or fix a broken streetlight.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Internet

Energy

THE ONION NEWS NETWORK CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR EAST COAST EARTHQUAKE AND HURRICANE

Testing New Machine, Disastronome XG-479, The Onion News Network Creates Natural Disasters At Will

New York, NY (August 25, 2011) - Natural disasters are sweeping the East Coast of our great nation: An Earthquake struck Tuesday afternoon in Virginia, and a hurricane is currently making its way north from Florida. Shedding light on this situation, The Onion News Network announced today that both events were caused by the omnipresent hand of the most powerful name in cable news, The Onion News Network.

For decades The Onion News Network has been developing a machine called the DXG-479, also known as the Disastronome XG-479, designed to create natural disasters at will. The science behind the machine is too complicated for most Americans to understand, but suffice to say it involves thousands of hydraulic pistons buried deep in the Earth's crust, harnessing the gravitational pull of the moon. This week the world saw the results of The Onion News Network’s initial tests of the Disastronome.

The purpose of building this machine is obvious: It will allow The Onion News Network to become even more dominant as the world's number-one cable news channel.

Bracing for slow news days in the not too distant future where the only headlines are about Obama giving up on another policy debate and Kim Kardashian's divorce proceedings, the network eagerly awaits the opportunity to utilize this newfound technology.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a tornado can touch down directly on top of a fireworks factory filled with elementary school students on a field trip. The Onion News Network will be first to the scene ahead of time to start cameras rolling.

“The Disastronome is every cable news journalist’s dream,” said The Onion News Network’s lead anchor Brooke Alvarez. “The footage will be glorious: Children running for their lives as the tornado whips the fireworks up into a whirling funnel of explosions. An animated headline and my face will swoosh onto every TV screen in America reading "Special Report: Twister Terror Grips The Heartland."

With the Disastronome, The Onion News Network can now cover a new catastrophe every day of the week, from mud slides to wildfires to never-before-seen natural disasters such as thundernadoes and lava blizzards.

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th at 10pm on IFC.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More