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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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‘The Onion’ Offers Richie Incognito A 5-Year, $50 Million Contract

With NFL free agency officially underway, front offices across the league are rushing to sign the best available talent in the market. But amid the throngs of cap numbers, salary restructuring, cuts, and contract offers, there is one man who stands head and shoulders above the rest. There is one man with an undeniable track record of getting the absolute best out of those around him, and who has shown a drive so great and uncompromising that his skill set is not merely limited to the world of professional sports.

The Onion’s media empire would not have enjoyed such longstanding success were we not constantly seeking out the best and brightest. With that in mind, we would like to hereby formally offer Richie Incognito a five-year, $50 million contract.

No formal interview, résumé, or references are required—The Onion knows talent when we see it. Mr. Incognito, the job is yours.

It is no secret that you are an incredibly dynamic leader on the field with an expertise in motivating and inspiring your teammates. For years The Onion has admired your work from afar, and your ability to constantly push those around you to greatness is, frankly, nothing short of phenomenal.

As The Onion’s vice president of personnel, you would be tasked with overseeing and evaluating all of our employees using whatever methods you deem most effective. We need someone who will take charge and whip employees into shape, relentlessly hovering over them at all times. We need someone who will toughen up younger members of staff so The Onion can continue to grow and operate at 100 percent efficiency. Moreover, we need someone who is unafraid to put workplace politics aside and tell underperforming employees exactly what they need to hear without mincing words. We believe that you, Mr. Incognito, are the perfect man to step into this role.

Just to be clear, The Onion will allow you to operate with complete autonomy within our corporate hierarchy. You will have no boss, no one looking over your shoulder, no one telling you what to do. We trust your abilities and, more importantly, we trust your judgment.

In terms of compensation, we are prepared to offer a $15 million signing bonus up front with $40 million in guaranteed money spread over the course of the five years. Your salary could ultimately rise an additional $30 million based on several performance-related bonuses, and you can also rest assured that throughout your tenure we would provide you with any and all resources you require to thrive. Indeed, your success is The Onion’s success.

The following are the just some of the additional perks contained within The Onion’s job offer:

  1. A brand-new company-issued smartphone with unlimited texts to anyone under the employ of The Onion.
  2. A spacious 700-square-foot corner office featuring leather furniture and four flat-screen HD televisions.
  3. A corporate lease of a 2014 Lamborghini Roadster as well as free use of The Onion’s fleet of private jets.
  4. Unlimited paid time off and the option to work from any of The Onion’s hundreds of media branches across the world.
  5. Access to full pension, lifelong health care, and retirement benefits after six months of employment.
  6. A complimentary 10,000 shares of The Onion’s stock in Google.

And while we cannot at this stage make such a guarantee in writing, suffice it to say that a 10-year, $300 million contract extension is certainly in the cards. This current offer only represents the beginning of what we hope will be a long and fruitful relationship between yourself and our venerable publication.

Mr. Incognito, while you are undoubtedly receiving interest from many suitors at this time, we hope that you will make the right choice and join The Onion. Please note that this is merely an initial offer, and we are more than willing to negotiate should you find our terms unsatisfactory.

You are truly a one-of-a-kind talent, Mr. Incognito. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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