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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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The Onion Once Again Condemns Actor Eric Bana For His Continued Silence On The Issue Of Gay Marriage

The coward and fraud Eric Bana, who has refused to issue a public statement on his gay marriage beliefs.
The coward and fraud Eric Bana, who has refused to issue a public statement on his gay marriage beliefs.

This week, the United States Supreme Court heard arguments in a pair of cases whose outcomes will have a profound impact on homosexual rights in this country for years to come. These momentous judicial proceedings have inspired a flurry of conversation among the American people, all of whom—whatever their stance—have contributed with candor and sincerity to that process of open dialogue that is so fundamental to the democratic principles on which our society rests.

However, while the debate rages on—in our homes, in our places of business, and even within the pages of The Onion itself—one voice has remained continually silent: that of film and television actor Eric Bana, who for years now has refused to make his views known in this most crucial of discussions. Despite the range of voices calling on him to do so, Mr. Bana—steadfastly and maddeningly—has as yet refused to air his beliefs on same-sex marriage, opting instead to remain out of sight while the rest of the world tries in vain to coax some kind of response, any kind of response, out of him.

What have you to smile about, Mr. Bana? What indeed.

Such reticence, while perhaps convenient for Mr. Bana, cannot be allowed to continue.

And so, as it has so many times before, The Onion today says to you, Eric Bana: The time has come to at last end your protracted silence on the issue of gay marriage. Make your voice heard, and do so now. Or are you too big of a coward?

This is the 23rd strongly worded editorial The Onion has addressed to Eric Bana in the last three years, and yet he has ignored us time and again. This isn’t one of your movies, Mr. Bana. You cannot simply call “cut” and retreat into the cushy confines of your trailer until it’s time for you to smile for the cameras again. No, sir. Perhaps you believe that, as a celebrity, you have no obligation to participate in this conversation. Perhaps you have been too busy with your work on the upcoming film By Virtue Fall to take the meager amount of time necessary to air your opinions on gay marriage and finally put the matter to rest. Or perhaps you are merely spineless. Whatever the excuse, it is insufficient.

You resemble nothing so much as a monster, Mr. Bana.

Click to enlarge

It is possible that Mr. Bana believes this contentious debate will somehow resolve itself without his input. We are here to assure him that it will not. In fact, as he is doubtlessly aware, millions of Americans are right now persistently monitoring his Twitter feed, deluging him with letters and emails, and stopping the Munich star in the street asking—nay, demanding—that he choose a side. Right now, Mr. Bana, tell us: Should same-sex marriages be recognized by the federal government? Should homosexual partners receive the same taxation benefits conferred on straight couples? These questions—and many others affecting the LGBT community and society as a whole—are of pressing importance, and they demand your immediate and complete answer. It is an issue that will not blow over simply because you wish it to.

And once Mr. Bana at last breaks his silence on the topic of gay marriage, there are other matters that demand his attention. Is affirmative action an effective and fair means of stemming institutional discrimination? Should Bradley Manning and others who make classified information public be subject to accusations of treason? Does the America Invents Act, with its controversial transition to a first-to-file patenting system, weaken the intellectual property rights of smaller inventors? On these and countless other matters, Eric Bana must express his views, and express them without equivocation.

It is said that the measure of a man lies in the courage to stand by his convictions, whatever they may be. So, we ask you, Mr. Bana, what are your convictions? Do you have the strength to reveal them? Or would you prefer to remain cowering in the shadows while the rest of us continue to marvel at your unbelievable timidity? Rest assured that should you continue on this course of inaction, our contempt will be the least of your worries. Mark our words, we will drag you, kicking and screaming, into the light. You cannot hide from us.

The time for silence is over. The time for action is now. The Onion, and the whole world, is waiting, Eric Bana. It’s your move now. You fuck.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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