adBlockCheck

The Onion Once Again Condemns Actor Eric Bana For His Continued Silence On The Issue Of Gay Marriage

Top Headlines

Recent News

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail

HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.

Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

The Onion Once Again Condemns Actor Eric Bana For His Continued Silence On The Issue Of Gay Marriage

The coward and fraud Eric Bana, who has refused to issue a public statement on his gay marriage beliefs.
The coward and fraud Eric Bana, who has refused to issue a public statement on his gay marriage beliefs.

This week, the United States Supreme Court heard arguments in a pair of cases whose outcomes will have a profound impact on homosexual rights in this country for years to come. These momentous judicial proceedings have inspired a flurry of conversation among the American people, all of whom—whatever their stance—have contributed with candor and sincerity to that process of open dialogue that is so fundamental to the democratic principles on which our society rests.

However, while the debate rages on—in our homes, in our places of business, and even within the pages of The Onion itself—one voice has remained continually silent: that of film and television actor Eric Bana, who for years now has refused to make his views known in this most crucial of discussions. Despite the range of voices calling on him to do so, Mr. Bana—steadfastly and maddeningly—has as yet refused to air his beliefs on same-sex marriage, opting instead to remain out of sight while the rest of the world tries in vain to coax some kind of response, any kind of response, out of him.

What have you to smile about, Mr. Bana? What indeed.

Such reticence, while perhaps convenient for Mr. Bana, cannot be allowed to continue.

And so, as it has so many times before, The Onion today says to you, Eric Bana: The time has come to at last end your protracted silence on the issue of gay marriage. Make your voice heard, and do so now. Or are you too big of a coward?

This is the 23rd strongly worded editorial The Onion has addressed to Eric Bana in the last three years, and yet he has ignored us time and again. This isn’t one of your movies, Mr. Bana. You cannot simply call “cut” and retreat into the cushy confines of your trailer until it’s time for you to smile for the cameras again. No, sir. Perhaps you believe that, as a celebrity, you have no obligation to participate in this conversation. Perhaps you have been too busy with your work on the upcoming film By Virtue Fall to take the meager amount of time necessary to air your opinions on gay marriage and finally put the matter to rest. Or perhaps you are merely spineless. Whatever the excuse, it is insufficient.

You resemble nothing so much as a monster, Mr. Bana.

Click to enlarge

It is possible that Mr. Bana believes this contentious debate will somehow resolve itself without his input. We are here to assure him that it will not. In fact, as he is doubtlessly aware, millions of Americans are right now persistently monitoring his Twitter feed, deluging him with letters and emails, and stopping the Munich star in the street asking—nay, demanding—that he choose a side. Right now, Mr. Bana, tell us: Should same-sex marriages be recognized by the federal government? Should homosexual partners receive the same taxation benefits conferred on straight couples? These questions—and many others affecting the LGBT community and society as a whole—are of pressing importance, and they demand your immediate and complete answer. It is an issue that will not blow over simply because you wish it to.

And once Mr. Bana at last breaks his silence on the topic of gay marriage, there are other matters that demand his attention. Is affirmative action an effective and fair means of stemming institutional discrimination? Should Bradley Manning and others who make classified information public be subject to accusations of treason? Does the America Invents Act, with its controversial transition to a first-to-file patenting system, weaken the intellectual property rights of smaller inventors? On these and countless other matters, Eric Bana must express his views, and express them without equivocation.

It is said that the measure of a man lies in the courage to stand by his convictions, whatever they may be. So, we ask you, Mr. Bana, what are your convictions? Do you have the strength to reveal them? Or would you prefer to remain cowering in the shadows while the rest of us continue to marvel at your unbelievable timidity? Rest assured that should you continue on this course of inaction, our contempt will be the least of your worries. Mark our words, we will drag you, kicking and screaming, into the light. You cannot hide from us.

The time for silence is over. The time for action is now. The Onion, and the whole world, is waiting, Eric Bana. It’s your move now. You fuck.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close