adBlockCheck

The Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project

Top Headlines

Politics

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project

As the questions surrounding the Basilisk Project mount, the president has shamefully kept his distance.
As the questions surrounding the Basilisk Project mount, the president has shamefully kept his distance.

This week, President Barack Obama and his administration have come under fire from political opponents seeking an explanation for the White House’s alleged complicity in a series of widely publicized scandals. Inquiries regarding the administration’s role in a cover-up of the Benghazi attack, the Justice Department’s tapping of AP journalists’ phone lines, and the supposed malfeasance by the Internal Revenue Service are innumerable and have succeeded in hijacking the 24-hour news cycle.

However, in the midst of these colorful distractions, there looms a far greater intrigue that President Obama has steadfastly ignored. The Onion speaks, of course, of the questions surrounding the Basilisk Project. For months now, the Obama administration has chosen to maintain silence on the matter, evidently relying on the complacency of the nation’s so-called journalistic authorities to allow its machinations to remain out of both sight and mind.

The freighters were in plain sight, Mr. President. Your agenda has not been.

But such secrecy will not be tolerated.

As the vanguard of journalistic integrity and as the sole news source dedicated to uncovering the truth no matter the cost, The Onion now demands of you, President Obama, to explain the nature and purpose of the Basilisk Project, and to do so fully and without delay.

You cannot hide the location of the freighters forever, Mr. President. You cannot continue to ignore the actions of the Belarusian consulate or fail to explain the nature of your relationship. Perhaps most importantly, you cannot pretend the gated compound outside Lynchburg, VA simply does not exist. We have confronted you on these and other matters in recent days, Mr. President. Your response? Not a word.

And so the web does tangle.

Perhaps our president hopes to escape the moral implications of having allowed the Basilisk Project to operate under his nose, believing that his hands are clean. Or perhaps Mr. Obama is hoping that the American people might actually believe he was somehow unaware of the Basilisk Project altogether. Then again, perhaps you, “President” Obama, are, indeed, the puppet here. Which begs the question: Just who is pulling your strings?

When will the president finally fire Alan Krueger for his role in this debacle?

And so, in hopes of bringing some kind of clarity to this ever-widening circle of madness, The Onion demands answers to the following queries:

What is the addendum to the Klim Report? And who authored it?

Who recorded the minutes during the infamous Vitebsk meeting?

What, damn you, is the status of Onion reporter Tomas Kovacs, with whom our Minsk bureau abruptly lost contact last month?

How do you account for the Treasury Department’s response?

Will you fire Chairperson of the Council of Economic Advisers Alan Krueger?

As journalists, it is our duty to uncover the truth, whatever the personal risks. From what we know, the nature of the Basilisk Project is such that its uncovering is of vital importance to the immediate health and livelihoods of at least 287 Americans. Does the president believe that the lives of these 287 souls are expendable? That they can be swept under the rug, like so much shattered china? Is human life itself so worthless to you, Mr. President?

If our president truly cares about the responsibilities of his office, he must expose the Basilisk Project and do so immediately. And we here at The Onion pray that he will do just that. For should this vicious plot be allowed to remain hidden in the shadows, grinding to its devastating and all-too-sad conclusion, it may just be too late for us all.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close