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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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‘The Onion’ Vows To Carry On Iran’s Nuclear Weapons Program Until The Job Is Done

Yesterday, a group of high-ranking world leaders met in Geneva and brokered a six-month deal to limit the nuclear ambitions of the Islamic Republic of Iran. These spineless Western autocrats did so in exchange for the removal of several economic sanctions on Iran, believing they have both the power and authority to dismantle the country’s nuclear program and enforce strict IAEA regulations on uranium enrichment.

Given this incredibly unjust though unsurprising meddling from these cowardly foreign governments, The Onion vows to continue the expansion of Iran’s nuclear weapons program for as long as necessary until the operation has been completed. The dream must live on and will live on. And The Onion will make sure it does.

Perhaps these so-called international superpowers thought The Onion would simply forget the promise we made to the great and wise Ayatollah Khomeini on that snowy December night in 1983. Perhaps they thought The Onion would lie down and do nothing as one of its greatest allies is targeted with disgraceful, unwarranted regulations and blatant subversion from foreign enemies. If that is truly what these tyrannical diplomats assumed, they will soon realize they were gravely, gravely mistaken.

Rest assured, The Onion keeps its promises.

The Onion guarantees in no uncertain terms that Iran’s nuclear development will continue as planned, with no delays or downturn whatsoever. In fact, in light of these recent events in Geneva, not only will we deliver on the original terms of our arrangement, but we will also redouble our efforts and promise you this, in no uncertain terms: Iran will, Insha'Allah, have the greatest, most devastating nuclear arsenal the world has ever seen within 12 months’ time.

Iran, you may be bound by trade sanctions, by the whims of international politics and autocratic despots who operate under the guise of diplomacy, but we are not. The Onion answers to no such authorities. Indeed, if any international party attempts to halt, impede, or so much as inspect one of The Onion’s uranium enrichment facilities, we will have another 10 such facilities up and running within 30 minutes. And should any coalition forces even attempt to shut down one of The Onion’s nuclear reactors, we will immediately initiate the Gamma Protocol.

To demonstrate our unflinching commitment to the future of your nuclear program, The Onion has outlined a simple six-step plan to ensure your offensive arsenal will continue its expansion on schedule:

  1. As you know, The Onion is already in possession of 38 fully operational nuclear reactors on five continents. Consider them yours.
  2. An additional 30,000 workers have been hired to quicken the pace of uranium enrichment and to operate our growing stockpile of Zippe and SILEX centrifuges. Furthermore, 15 of the world’s leading nuclear physicists have been abducted and put to work on nuclear arms development projects for the Iranian military.
  3. The K-47 fission reactor has now been commissioned and is rapidly enriching weapons-grade nuclear materials at this very moment.
  4. As of 9:00 GMT, construction has begun on our new state-of-the-art underground Tetraplex Nuclear Generating Station, expected to be completed by March 2014. Again, this will be at your full disposal once construction has finished.
  5. Through the movement of several considerable offshore holdings, The Onion has set aside roughly $750 billion to be fully invested in new and completely undetectable nuclear facilities for the Iranian government.
  6. The Onion has already procured through various means 46,000 tons of fully enriched weapons-grade uranium, 90 nuclear warheads, and 17 long-range missile launching mechanisms. These assets are available to the Iranian government at any time and are ready to be put to use at a moment’s notice.

These steps will be executed with the highest of standards, and anyone who stands in the way of Iran’s nuclear ambitions—which, by virtue of our strong and long-lasting alliance, are also the ambitions of The Onion—will be swiftly dealt with by any means necessary.

Take heart, Iranian brothers. The Onion is here for you, always.

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