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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyone looking for a quick and easy way to die.

For one day only, anybody who comes down to one of our dozens of termination facilities nationwide will be entitled to a speedy, efficient mercy killing absolutely free of charge! Just step up to one of our spacious euthanasia trailers, settle into one of our comfy leather recliners, and relax as a highly trained medical technician ushers you into a soft, everlasting sleep.

And that’s not all! Before you end your life, feel free to help yourself to a complimentary selection of tasty summertime treats, including hot dogs, fresh corn on the cob, and fried dough, not to mention an ice cream sundae bar for the kids! So bring the whole family along! It’s the perfect way to kick off your summer, all courtesy of your friends at The Onion. We hope to see you there!

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