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The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyone looking for a quick and easy way to die.

For one day only, anybody who comes down to one of our dozens of termination facilities nationwide will be entitled to a speedy, efficient mercy killing absolutely free of charge! Just step up to one of our spacious euthanasia trailers, settle into one of our comfy leather recliners, and relax as a highly trained medical technician ushers you into a soft, everlasting sleep.

And that’s not all! Before you end your life, feel free to help yourself to a complimentary selection of tasty summertime treats, including hot dogs, fresh corn on the cob, and fried dough, not to mention an ice cream sundae bar for the kids! So bring the whole family along! It’s the perfect way to kick off your summer, all courtesy of your friends at The Onion. We hope to see you there!

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