The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyone looking for a quick and easy way to die.

For one day only, anybody who comes down to one of our dozens of termination facilities nationwide will be entitled to a speedy, efficient mercy killing absolutely free of charge! Just step up to one of our spacious euthanasia trailers, settle into one of our comfy leather recliners, and relax as a highly trained medical technician ushers you into a soft, everlasting sleep.

And that’s not all! Before you end your life, feel free to help yourself to a complimentary selection of tasty summertime treats, including hot dogs, fresh corn on the cob, and fried dough, not to mention an ice cream sundae bar for the kids! So bring the whole family along! It’s the perfect way to kick off your summer, all courtesy of your friends at The Onion. We hope to see you there!