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The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyone looking for a quick and easy way to die.

For one day only, anybody who comes down to one of our dozens of termination facilities nationwide will be entitled to a speedy, efficient mercy killing absolutely free of charge! Just step up to one of our spacious euthanasia trailers, settle into one of our comfy leather recliners, and relax as a highly trained medical technician ushers you into a soft, everlasting sleep.

And that’s not all! Before you end your life, feel free to help yourself to a complimentary selection of tasty summertime treats, including hot dogs, fresh corn on the cob, and fried dough, not to mention an ice cream sundae bar for the kids! So bring the whole family along! It’s the perfect way to kick off your summer, all courtesy of your friends at The Onion. We hope to see you there!

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