adBlockCheck

Recent News

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyone looking for a quick and easy way to die.

For one day only, anybody who comes down to one of our dozens of termination facilities nationwide will be entitled to a speedy, efficient mercy killing absolutely free of charge! Just step up to one of our spacious euthanasia trailers, settle into one of our comfy leather recliners, and relax as a highly trained medical technician ushers you into a soft, everlasting sleep.

And that’s not all! Before you end your life, feel free to help yourself to a complimentary selection of tasty summertime treats, including hot dogs, fresh corn on the cob, and fried dough, not to mention an ice cream sundae bar for the kids! So bring the whole family along! It’s the perfect way to kick off your summer, all courtesy of your friends at The Onion. We hope to see you there!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close