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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'The Onion' Wins Nobel Prize

STOCKHOLM—American newspaper The Onion received a Nobel Prize this week in the category of Overall Excellence. The award, which marks the 12th time The Onion has been honored as a Nobel laureate, was presented in recognition of what the prize committee called “[The Onion’s] massive and enduring contribution to overall excellence in all fields.” The Onion has previously received Nobel Prizes in categories such as economics, literature, and medicine. At press time, Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel had no comment.

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