The Onion's 1996 Man Of The Year

In This Section

Vol 30 Issue 19

Area Bastards Pick Wrong Guy To Mess With This Time

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to Tallahassee resident Bud Courson, local bastards Dewey Bostock and Dewayne Buckner picked the wrong guy to mess with this time. "They picked the wrong guy to mess with when they started messing with me," Courson said of the messing, which local officials believe to be the biggest mistake of the bastards' lives. Courson's future plans for the bastards include doing a serious number on their asses and whaling on them.

Mental Hospital Fire Leaves Hundreds Of Demons Homeless

QUEENS, NY—Hundreds of demons were left hovering bodiless over New York's Creedmore Mental Hospital Sunday, as a fire consumed the facility, killing all 355 of its patients and much of its staff. Firefighters and emergency medical technicians struggled to reunite the demons with the bodies they had possessed, but no survivors could be found. Though area shelters say they may not have room for all the demons, most of the displaced remain optimistic. "I'm not too worried," said one demon as it huddled near a firetruck, wrapped in a blanket and sipping a cup of hot cocoa provided by Red Cross volunteers. "I'm sure pretty soon I'll find a suitable host human who will succumb to my temptations and give his body up to me."

Vatican Condemns Wack MCs

VATICAN CITY—In conjunction with the release of his latest album, MixMaster FunkBlaster Pope-a-Fied To The T.O.P., His Holiness Pope John Paul II issued an official church condemnation of all Wack MCs Tuesday. The Pope singled out Snoop Doggy Dogg, Notorious B.I.G. and Too $hort, saying, "These rappers do not have the best rhymes. They are wack. They are not from the old school." The decree condemned MCs who "lack the concentration to create the rhymifications that stimulate the mind and make the funk rise in your soul." The Pope recommended passages from Ezekiel as having the most "righteous" rhymes. The decree was ratified by the Vatican Council Tuesday as an official Catholic Decree. It also reached number four on the R&B charts.

Clinton Appoints Very Special Cabinet Member

WASHINGTON, DC—In the first-ever appointment of its kind, President Clinton named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Bethesda, MD, boy who has Down Syndrome, the U.S. Very Special Secretary of Defense Monday. "Michael is very special. He is fun, loves to laugh and is always smiling," Clinton said. When informed of his appointment, Barnett waved a pen and said, "I'm a special boy!" then mistakenly signed an order for the Marines to seize all private property in the U.S. Clinton quickly nullified the order, saying, "Michael is very special, and I know he will be trying very hard. And that's what's important."

There Shall Be No Christmas This Year!

The other day, my manservant Standish and my nurse were wheeling in the multitudes of penny postcards and other handwritten wishes of good tidings that flood into my estate at this time of year. I insist on being read each and every one, so that I may duly reward each well-wisher with a sackful of sugar beets from the Zweibel ancestral home in Prussia.

I Gotta Write A Holiday Column

Hola amigos. What's goin' on? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've had some problems. First and foremost, I had to get a new car after the pistons fused in my old one. Piece of crap! Fortunately, though, I was able to get around $150 in parts for it. Add to that the $175 I had saved up for my dream Mustang, and I was able to spend a whole $325 on a new car.

Confederate Flag Controversy

South Carolina came under fire recently for flying the Confederate flag over its state capitol, and Georgia has been under pressure for several years to remove the image from its state flag. What do you think of the continued use of this Civil War symbol?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

The Onion's 1996 Man Of The Year

Ever since Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel was first awarded the honor in 1921, The Onion's Man Of The Year has ranked among the most prestigious and time-honored traditions in journalism. Though there are many who make and shape our world, only one can be chosen The Onion's Man Of The Year.

A roster of past selections reads as a veritable who's-who of history's towering figures: John Ritter, My Dad, The Guy From The Police Academy Movies Who Makes Funny Noises With His Mouth, President Bill Climpton, The San Diego Chicken, Stomach Cancer and Freakass The Wonder Skunk have all been chosen.

It is the most prestigious honor The Onion can give. It goes to the one man (or, in theory, woman) who best mirrors our hopes, our fears, our dreams.

But how could one man possibly live up to the challenge of summing up the inherent contradictions and dualities of our ever-fragmenting post-industrial society?

In 1996, one did: The Denorex Guy.

Our Information Age has brought us untold leaps in cross-cultural synergy, technology and culturo-ideological restructuring. Medicine, engineering and communication continually rise to staggering new peaks. The vast material luxuries of 1996 America beckon the emergent postmodern consumer culture to dizzying heights. On this side, we feel tingly.

Yet, at the same time, traditional cementing agents of human civilization—religion, family, marriage, community, patriotism—lie in ruin. Consumer culture mutates at an alarming rate, creating subcategorization of staggering complexity, political stagnation, widespread socioeconomic alienation and a dull, aching sense of spiritual numbness. We live out blank and empty lives, empty of passion, bereft of hope. On this side, we feel...

Nothing.

The Denorex Guy, 1996's Man Of The Year, embodies this central dichotomy of our age like no one else.

The Denorex Guy brings much-needed medical supplies to Zairean refugees near the Zaire-Rwanda border.

"Thank you. God bless. I would definitely pick the Denorex side," The Denorex Guy said when told of the decision.

But who is this Denorex Guy? Is he a man perpetually at war with himself, forever trapped between the left side, where he feels tingly, and the right, where he feels nothing?

No. He has chosen. And his choice is the clinically tested, scientifically proven dandruff-fighting action of Denorex medicated shampoo.

Here stands a man who, though tragically stricken by dandruff, refuses to let it best him. A man who faces a choice, but has the wisdom to know that to forgo the shampoo of his past, he must accept, in all objectivity, the truth—and face the shampoo of his future.

"There's only so many that one man can reach. But I won't rest until I've shown as many people as I can the vast superiority of Denorex over the leading brand. Skeptical? I was too, at first," the Denorex Guy said. "I prefer the way the Denorex side of my head feels. That's first hand knowledge—empirical evidence that I cannot close my eyes to."

Even now, in his greatest moment of glory, The Denorex Guy struggles to spread his message of deep-down medication, moisturization and cleansing of the scalp to as many people as he can. It is for this tireless dedication to his cause and so much more that we raise him aloft, and say to all the world: Here stands The Denorex Guy—the Man Of The Year, and a man for all time.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More