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The Onion's 1996 Man Of The Year

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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The Onion's 1996 Man Of The Year

Ever since Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel was first awarded the honor in 1921, The Onion's Man Of The Year has ranked among the most prestigious and time-honored traditions in journalism. Though there are many who make and shape our world, only one can be chosen The Onion's Man Of The Year.

A roster of past selections reads as a veritable who's-who of history's towering figures: John Ritter, My Dad, The Guy From The Police Academy Movies Who Makes Funny Noises With His Mouth, President Bill Climpton, The San Diego Chicken, Stomach Cancer and Freakass The Wonder Skunk have all been chosen.

It is the most prestigious honor The Onion can give. It goes to the one man (or, in theory, woman) who best mirrors our hopes, our fears, our dreams.

But how could one man possibly live up to the challenge of summing up the inherent contradictions and dualities of our ever-fragmenting post-industrial society?

In 1996, one did: The Denorex Guy.

Our Information Age has brought us untold leaps in cross-cultural synergy, technology and culturo-ideological restructuring. Medicine, engineering and communication continually rise to staggering new peaks. The vast material luxuries of 1996 America beckon the emergent postmodern consumer culture to dizzying heights. On this side, we feel tingly.

Yet, at the same time, traditional cementing agents of human civilization—religion, family, marriage, community, patriotism—lie in ruin. Consumer culture mutates at an alarming rate, creating subcategorization of staggering complexity, political stagnation, widespread socioeconomic alienation and a dull, aching sense of spiritual numbness. We live out blank and empty lives, empty of passion, bereft of hope. On this side, we feel...

Nothing.

The Denorex Guy, 1996's Man Of The Year, embodies this central dichotomy of our age like no one else.

The Denorex Guy brings much-needed medical supplies to Zairean refugees near the Zaire-Rwanda border.

"Thank you. God bless. I would definitely pick the Denorex side," The Denorex Guy said when told of the decision.

But who is this Denorex Guy? Is he a man perpetually at war with himself, forever trapped between the left side, where he feels tingly, and the right, where he feels nothing?

No. He has chosen. And his choice is the clinically tested, scientifically proven dandruff-fighting action of Denorex medicated shampoo.

Here stands a man who, though tragically stricken by dandruff, refuses to let it best him. A man who faces a choice, but has the wisdom to know that to forgo the shampoo of his past, he must accept, in all objectivity, the truth—and face the shampoo of his future.

"There's only so many that one man can reach. But I won't rest until I've shown as many people as I can the vast superiority of Denorex over the leading brand. Skeptical? I was too, at first," the Denorex Guy said. "I prefer the way the Denorex side of my head feels. That's first hand knowledge—empirical evidence that I cannot close my eyes to."

Even now, in his greatest moment of glory, The Denorex Guy struggles to spread his message of deep-down medication, moisturization and cleansing of the scalp to as many people as he can. It is for this tireless dedication to his cause and so much more that we raise him aloft, and say to all the world: Here stands The Denorex Guy—the Man Of The Year, and a man for all time.

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