The Onion’s 2013 Holiday Gift Guide

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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The Onion’s 2013 Holiday Gift Guide

Still unsure what to get everyone on your list this holiday season? The Onion has you covered with its guide to all of the year’s hottest gifts:

Bold by Ken Watanabe

This signature cologne by acclaimed Japanese actor Ken Watanabe was personally formulated by the Memoirs Of A Geisha star himself and comes in three elegant scent expressions including sage, oakmoss, and sandalwood. Presented in a deluxe limited-edition gift box. $145

Prosthetic legs

Eighty-seven percent of dads have lost their legs and are forced to crawl around their homes. Buy your dad a pair of prosthetic legs today! $1,119

One white baby, no strings attached

Ever wanted a white baby, fast, but couldn’t get past all the red tape? This 8-pound bundle of joy is happy, healthy, and 100 percent Caucasian. Order today and it’s yours—no papers, no hassle, no questions.* $1,275 *Baby may have Down syndrome

A successful dueling piano bar franchise

You’re still going to have to be competitive with The 88 Keys Bar down the way, but you’ll have talented piano players, a friendly staff, and classic tunes to the heart’s content! It’s called Ivories. $70,000

A chance to moderate a panel on human rights violations in the Congo

What caused the deaths of 10 million Congolese under the rule of Leopold II of Belgium? Why have so many leaders refused to describe this as genocide? Explore these questions and more as you moderate a panel discussion on human rights violations in the Congo! Just choose your academic conference, buy your own plane ticket, and show up in time for registration. $1,295

Foreskin restoration surgery

Experts will say circumcision is a common and safe procedure, but you know better. Make things right again by restoring the prepuce around your glans at one of the nation’s premier centers for genital surgery. $20,000 for non-surgical procedure; $30,000 for surgical procedure

Autographed Logan Forsythe ninth career home run ball

Own the very ball that the San Diego Padres second baseman Logan Forsythe hit out of the park against Miami Marlins pitcher Ricky Nolasco on June 28, 2013—autographed by Forsythe himself! Includes an acrylic display cube for ultimate bragging rights. $18

Two-hour golf lesson alongside James Cromwell

Get tips on your golf game from a certified PGA instructor during a group lesson that also happens to feature veteran character actor James Cromwell, acclaimed star of L.A. Confidential and Six Feet Under, who has recently decided to take up golf. Improve your game 40 to 80 feet away from James as he improves his too! Lessons subject to cancellation or change. $360

The gnarled talon of a hawk

‘Scree, scree!’ This gnarled hawk’s talon is the perfect stocking stuffer. Put it on the mantel, nibble on it, or simply use it to scratch a friend! $79

Portable pocket fireplace

Need to keep warm on the go? Simply light this small 6-inch fireplace, open the tiny flue, and put it in your front pocket to stay nice and toasty for hours! Includes real working mantel and three starter slivers for fuel. $69.95

64GB USB 2.0 flash drive made of ice

Store thousands of songs, movies, and documents on this portable 64-gigabyte thumb drive made of frozen water. Must be kept at 32 degrees Fahrenheit or under at all times. $29.99

Terminally ill dog

Wary of the cost and time needed to properly care for a new puppy? Buy one of these terminally ill dogs and you’ll never have to worry. Dogs are available in a variety of terminal illnesses including canine distemper, degenerative mitral valve disease, myasthenia gravis, and parvovirus. $150-$300

Tennis helmet

Prevent bumps, bruises, and more serious conditions like Tennis Head with this protective polycarbonate helmet lined in soft padding and a ventilated shell. Includes free albuterol inhaler while supplies last. $54

Pompeii child

This volcanic rock from Pompeii in the shape of an agonized child, frozen in time, is the perfect addition to any entrance hall, foyer, or garden. Add father, mother, dog, and slave pieces to create a stunning tableau! $1,050-$1,350


You could get someone pants, like a nice pair of chinos or some dress slacks. People also like jeans and sweatpants. $25-$200

Nipple distance measurement tape

Stylishly designed and very flexible, this easy-to-use tape allows users to finally measure the distance between their nipples. Also comes with hands-free clamps. $39.95

Crate full of otters

Some are alive, many are dead. Crate measures 48” x 32” x 30”. Please allow six to eight weeks for shipment. $199.95

“Clint Eastwood Presents The West” 906-Movie Clint Eastwood DVD Western Pack

No Eastwood fan will be able to resist this set of 906 Clint westerns including early classics like Hang ’Em High and Pale Rider, timeless masterpieces like The West He Rides, Man Of The West, and the West Man trilogy, and more recent hits like Cactus Joe, Rootin’ Tootin’ 2, and Gun Cousins.

Other titles in set include: The Ranch Hand, The Rider With No Name, Quick-Draw Johnny, Deadman Flats, Prickly Creek, Spurs And Saddle, The Horse Rider, Western Riders, Go West Young Rider, Shoot ’Er Here, Shoot ’Er There, The Horse Shooter, The Dust Shooter, The Cowboy Shooter, Tumbleweed, The Six-Gun Man, The Six-Gun Man Rides Again, The Six-Gun Man Returns: Day Of Reckoning, The Man From El Paso, The Man From Dodge, The Man From Sioux City, The Man From Tombstone, The Man From El Dorado, Wanted Gun Man, Texarkana!, Ghost Town 2, Pistolslinger, The Solo Ranger, Hell Canyon In-Laws, Saddle Pals, Dakota Rifle, Barn, Gun The Woman Down, Wild Wet West, The Secret Of Rifle Ridge, The Guns Of Fort Gunnington, Mr. Sheriff, Gun For Loan, Once Upon A Gun, Outlaw's Second Cousin, Cowbert, Dial ‘W’ For Western, Butch Cassidy Meets The Wolf Man, The Lonesome Inn Keep, Horse-Riding Stranger, Really Bad Day At Black Rock, Ambush At Hell's Crossroads, The Hootenanny Massacre, The Big Cowboy, Blood Canyon, Pistol-Using Gentlemen, A Minute To Pray, A Second To Die For Mankind’s Sins, Return Of The Stranger, Are You There God? It’s Me, The Gunfighter, Shallow Grave, A Payment In Dust, Billy The Cripple Kid, Blood For A Sand Dollar, Beautiful Gunset, Ride Into The Wind, Skedaddle!, The Gentle Cattleman, The Gentle Cattleman Fights Back, The Gentle Cattleman’s Son, Howdy, Gunfire At Christmas Canyon, Christmas At Hell's Ridge, Birthday Cowboy, Dead Horse Oxbow Desperado Gulch Canyon, There’s A New Cheryl In Town, Aw Shucks, and Horsey!

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