The Onion’s 2013 Holiday Gift Guide

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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The Onion’s 2013 Holiday Gift Guide

Still unsure what to get everyone on your list this holiday season? The Onion has you covered with its guide to all of the year’s hottest gifts:

Bold by Ken Watanabe

This signature cologne by acclaimed Japanese actor Ken Watanabe was personally formulated by the Memoirs Of A Geisha star himself and comes in three elegant scent expressions including sage, oakmoss, and sandalwood. Presented in a deluxe limited-edition gift box. $145

Prosthetic legs

Eighty-seven percent of dads have lost their legs and are forced to crawl around their homes. Buy your dad a pair of prosthetic legs today! $1,119

One white baby, no strings attached

Ever wanted a white baby, fast, but couldn’t get past all the red tape? This 8-pound bundle of joy is happy, healthy, and 100 percent Caucasian. Order today and it’s yours—no papers, no hassle, no questions.* $1,275 *Baby may have Down syndrome

A successful dueling piano bar franchise

You’re still going to have to be competitive with The 88 Keys Bar down the way, but you’ll have talented piano players, a friendly staff, and classic tunes to the heart’s content! It’s called Ivories. $70,000

A chance to moderate a panel on human rights violations in the Congo

What caused the deaths of 10 million Congolese under the rule of Leopold II of Belgium? Why have so many leaders refused to describe this as genocide? Explore these questions and more as you moderate a panel discussion on human rights violations in the Congo! Just choose your academic conference, buy your own plane ticket, and show up in time for registration. $1,295

Foreskin restoration surgery

Experts will say circumcision is a common and safe procedure, but you know better. Make things right again by restoring the prepuce around your glans at one of the nation’s premier centers for genital surgery. $20,000 for non-surgical procedure; $30,000 for surgical procedure

Autographed Logan Forsythe ninth career home run ball

Own the very ball that the San Diego Padres second baseman Logan Forsythe hit out of the park against Miami Marlins pitcher Ricky Nolasco on June 28, 2013—autographed by Forsythe himself! Includes an acrylic display cube for ultimate bragging rights. $18

Two-hour golf lesson alongside James Cromwell

Get tips on your golf game from a certified PGA instructor during a group lesson that also happens to feature veteran character actor James Cromwell, acclaimed star of L.A. Confidential and Six Feet Under, who has recently decided to take up golf. Improve your game 40 to 80 feet away from James as he improves his too! Lessons subject to cancellation or change. $360

The gnarled talon of a hawk

‘Scree, scree!’ This gnarled hawk’s talon is the perfect stocking stuffer. Put it on the mantel, nibble on it, or simply use it to scratch a friend! $79

Portable pocket fireplace

Need to keep warm on the go? Simply light this small 6-inch fireplace, open the tiny flue, and put it in your front pocket to stay nice and toasty for hours! Includes real working mantel and three starter slivers for fuel. $69.95

64GB USB 2.0 flash drive made of ice

Store thousands of songs, movies, and documents on this portable 64-gigabyte thumb drive made of frozen water. Must be kept at 32 degrees Fahrenheit or under at all times. $29.99

Terminally ill dog

Wary of the cost and time needed to properly care for a new puppy? Buy one of these terminally ill dogs and you’ll never have to worry. Dogs are available in a variety of terminal illnesses including canine distemper, degenerative mitral valve disease, myasthenia gravis, and parvovirus. $150-$300

Tennis helmet

Prevent bumps, bruises, and more serious conditions like Tennis Head with this protective polycarbonate helmet lined in soft padding and a ventilated shell. Includes free albuterol inhaler while supplies last. $54

Pompeii child

This volcanic rock from Pompeii in the shape of an agonized child, frozen in time, is the perfect addition to any entrance hall, foyer, or garden. Add father, mother, dog, and slave pieces to create a stunning tableau! $1,050-$1,350


You could get someone pants, like a nice pair of chinos or some dress slacks. People also like jeans and sweatpants. $25-$200

Nipple distance measurement tape

Stylishly designed and very flexible, this easy-to-use tape allows users to finally measure the distance between their nipples. Also comes with hands-free clamps. $39.95

Crate full of otters

Some are alive, many are dead. Crate measures 48” x 32” x 30”. Please allow six to eight weeks for shipment. $199.95

“Clint Eastwood Presents The West” 906-Movie Clint Eastwood DVD Western Pack

No Eastwood fan will be able to resist this set of 906 Clint westerns including early classics like Hang ’Em High and Pale Rider, timeless masterpieces like The West He Rides, Man Of The West, and the West Man trilogy, and more recent hits like Cactus Joe, Rootin’ Tootin’ 2, and Gun Cousins.

Other titles in set include: The Ranch Hand, The Rider With No Name, Quick-Draw Johnny, Deadman Flats, Prickly Creek, Spurs And Saddle, The Horse Rider, Western Riders, Go West Young Rider, Shoot ’Er Here, Shoot ’Er There, The Horse Shooter, The Dust Shooter, The Cowboy Shooter, Tumbleweed, The Six-Gun Man, The Six-Gun Man Rides Again, The Six-Gun Man Returns: Day Of Reckoning, The Man From El Paso, The Man From Dodge, The Man From Sioux City, The Man From Tombstone, The Man From El Dorado, Wanted Gun Man, Texarkana!, Ghost Town 2, Pistolslinger, The Solo Ranger, Hell Canyon In-Laws, Saddle Pals, Dakota Rifle, Barn, Gun The Woman Down, Wild Wet West, The Secret Of Rifle Ridge, The Guns Of Fort Gunnington, Mr. Sheriff, Gun For Loan, Once Upon A Gun, Outlaw's Second Cousin, Cowbert, Dial ‘W’ For Western, Butch Cassidy Meets The Wolf Man, The Lonesome Inn Keep, Horse-Riding Stranger, Really Bad Day At Black Rock, Ambush At Hell's Crossroads, The Hootenanny Massacre, The Big Cowboy, Blood Canyon, Pistol-Using Gentlemen, A Minute To Pray, A Second To Die For Mankind’s Sins, Return Of The Stranger, Are You There God? It’s Me, The Gunfighter, Shallow Grave, A Payment In Dust, Billy The Cripple Kid, Blood For A Sand Dollar, Beautiful Gunset, Ride Into The Wind, Skedaddle!, The Gentle Cattleman, The Gentle Cattleman Fights Back, The Gentle Cattleman’s Son, Howdy, Gunfire At Christmas Canyon, Christmas At Hell's Ridge, Birthday Cowboy, Dead Horse Oxbow Desperado Gulch Canyon, There’s A New Cheryl In Town, Aw Shucks, and Horsey!

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