adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For Dad Around The House

Father’s Day is only a few days away, and what better way to show your dad how much he means to you than with one of these amazing gifts he can always use around the house?


Lawn Master 96-Piece Rake Set ($79.99)

Before your dad goes out to take care of those leaves piling up in the yard, he’ll love taking a few solid hours to put together this easy-to-assemble rake that comes in 96 individual pieces. It’s also just as fun to disassemble!


Lawn Master 96-Piece Rake Set ($89.99)

For the completist in all our dads, this special-edition collection from Lawn Master features 96 different rakes of all sizes.


Phil Mickelson’s head in a bag ($24.99)

Your dad tunes in every weekend to watch Lefty on TV; now he can finally bring the professional golfer home once and for all. Perfect for any house’s mantle!


“King of the Mill” 5,000-acre Yakima, WA industrial sawmill ($4.4 million)

You can’t go wrong buying your dad this classic lumbering facility located in the Pacific Northwest. Comes complete with over 1,200 individual edging, trimming, and drying machines and up to 14,000 employees to get started.


Prosthetic Legs ($9,200)

87 percent of dads have lost their legs and are forced to crawl around their homes to complete basic everyday tasks. Buy your dad a pair of prosthetic legs today!


The son he always wanted ($799.99)

Your dad will well up in pride when you finally give him this 27-year-old who has a six-figure job on Wall Street, played fullback through his senior year in college, and never once wasted a large portion of his life trying to start a band.


Custom barbecue apron made of mom’s hair ($19.99)

Nothing quite says “summer” like this custom-designed apron made entirely using the hair of your mother. Dad can hit the grill this Fourth of July knowing his one true love is always near.


Book with a sepia-tone photo of a cannon on the cover ($34.99)

Nothing will complete your dad’s bookshelf like this handsome, cloth-bound tome covered with an aged photo of a cannon sitting on grass. Looks like it has a good amount of text on the inside and even some more black-and-white photos of bearded men staring at the camera.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close