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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For Dad Around The House

Father’s Day is only a few days away, and what better way to show your dad how much he means to you than with one of these amazing gifts he can always use around the house?


Lawn Master 96-Piece Rake Set ($79.99)

Before your dad goes out to take care of those leaves piling up in the yard, he’ll love taking a few solid hours to put together this easy-to-assemble rake that comes in 96 individual pieces. It’s also just as fun to disassemble!


Lawn Master 96-Piece Rake Set ($89.99)

For the completist in all our dads, this special-edition collection from Lawn Master features 96 different rakes of all sizes.


Phil Mickelson’s head in a bag ($24.99)

Your dad tunes in every weekend to watch Lefty on TV; now he can finally bring the professional golfer home once and for all. Perfect for any house’s mantle!


“King of the Mill” 5,000-acre Yakima, WA industrial sawmill ($4.4 million)

You can’t go wrong buying your dad this classic lumbering facility located in the Pacific Northwest. Comes complete with over 1,200 individual edging, trimming, and drying machines and up to 14,000 employees to get started.


Prosthetic Legs ($9,200)

87 percent of dads have lost their legs and are forced to crawl around their homes to complete basic everyday tasks. Buy your dad a pair of prosthetic legs today!


The son he always wanted ($799.99)

Your dad will well up in pride when you finally give him this 27-year-old who has a six-figure job on Wall Street, played fullback through his senior year in college, and never once wasted a large portion of his life trying to start a band.


Custom barbecue apron made of mom’s hair ($19.99)

Nothing quite says “summer” like this custom-designed apron made entirely using the hair of your mother. Dad can hit the grill this Fourth of July knowing his one true love is always near.


Book with a sepia-tone photo of a cannon on the cover ($34.99)

Nothing will complete your dad’s bookshelf like this handsome, cloth-bound tome covered with an aged photo of a cannon sitting on grass. Looks like it has a good amount of text on the inside and even some more black-and-white photos of bearded men staring at the camera.

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