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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For Dad Around The House

Father’s Day is only a few days away, and what better way to show your dad how much he means to you than with one of these amazing gifts he can always use around the house?


Lawn Master 96-Piece Rake Set ($79.99)

Before your dad goes out to take care of those leaves piling up in the yard, he’ll love taking a few solid hours to put together this easy-to-assemble rake that comes in 96 individual pieces. It’s also just as fun to disassemble!


Lawn Master 96-Piece Rake Set ($89.99)

For the completist in all our dads, this special-edition collection from Lawn Master features 96 different rakes of all sizes.


Phil Mickelson’s head in a bag ($24.99)

Your dad tunes in every weekend to watch Lefty on TV; now he can finally bring the professional golfer home once and for all. Perfect for any house’s mantle!


“King of the Mill” 5,000-acre Yakima, WA industrial sawmill ($4.4 million)

You can’t go wrong buying your dad this classic lumbering facility located in the Pacific Northwest. Comes complete with over 1,200 individual edging, trimming, and drying machines and up to 14,000 employees to get started.


Prosthetic Legs ($9,200)

87 percent of dads have lost their legs and are forced to crawl around their homes to complete basic everyday tasks. Buy your dad a pair of prosthetic legs today!


The son he always wanted ($799.99)

Your dad will well up in pride when you finally give him this 27-year-old who has a six-figure job on Wall Street, played fullback through his senior year in college, and never once wasted a large portion of his life trying to start a band.


Custom barbecue apron made of mom’s hair ($19.99)

Nothing quite says “summer” like this custom-designed apron made entirely using the hair of your mother. Dad can hit the grill this Fourth of July knowing his one true love is always near.


Book with a sepia-tone photo of a cannon on the cover ($34.99)

Nothing will complete your dad’s bookshelf like this handsome, cloth-bound tome covered with an aged photo of a cannon sitting on grass. Looks like it has a good amount of text on the inside and even some more black-and-white photos of bearded men staring at the camera.

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