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The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Active Dad

Whether your dad loves sports, the great outdoors, or is always on the road, these gifts are guaranteed to wow the most important man in your life.


Lunch with St. Louis Cardinals’ 1987 first baseman Jack Clark ($280)

This limited-edition gift will give your dad the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to sit across the table from the two-time Silver Slugger Award winner and ask him about his 17-year career that showed him playing with the Cardinals, Giants, Yankees, Padres, and more! Price of lunch not included.


Ziploc bag full of shaving cream ($3.99)

Perfect for the dad on the go, this sealed bag filled to the brim with shaving cream will come in handy for long business trips or even just inside the medicine cabinet for when he needs it most.


Helicopter ($673,000)

A helicopter is the perfect gift for any dad.


160,000 golf tees ($300)

Let your dad skip the sporting goods store and hit the course with this special bag of 160,000 natural wood lacquered golf tees. Dad won’t be unprepared for a tee time for another 65-70 years.


An authentic NFL Jersey with the printed name of your dad’s favorite player who is 40 years younger than him ($99.99)

Dad will love lounging around the house and watching Monday Night Football in the replica NFL gear worn by his favorite athlete who was born nearly four decades after him.


Pocket-sized fun packs of mulch ($13.99)

Dad will have the time of his life carrying around these fun-sized packs of mulch that he can use whenever the mood strikes him. Comes in packs of eight.


Fold-up travel garage ($179.99)

Dad will never leave the house without this specially designed fold-up two-door garage. Comes fully equipped with bags of fertilizer, a refrigerator filled with beer, and every tool imaginable.


One week at Window-Weatherization Fantasy Camp ($1,200)

Buy your dad a full seven days away from the responsibilities of work and home where he can caulk around wood frames and install high-value V-strips shoulder-to-shoulder with window shrink-wrapping legends Tony Marshall, Greg Timmons, and Rob Jankovic.


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