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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Active Dad

Whether your dad loves sports, the great outdoors, or is always on the road, these gifts are guaranteed to wow the most important man in your life.


Lunch with St. Louis Cardinals’ 1987 first baseman Jack Clark ($280)

This limited-edition gift will give your dad the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to sit across the table from the two-time Silver Slugger Award winner and ask him about his 17-year career that showed him playing with the Cardinals, Giants, Yankees, Padres, and more! Price of lunch not included.


Ziploc bag full of shaving cream ($3.99)

Perfect for the dad on the go, this sealed bag filled to the brim with shaving cream will come in handy for long business trips or even just inside the medicine cabinet for when he needs it most.


Helicopter ($673,000)

A helicopter is the perfect gift for any dad.


160,000 golf tees ($300)

Let your dad skip the sporting goods store and hit the course with this special bag of 160,000 natural wood lacquered golf tees. Dad won’t be unprepared for a tee time for another 65-70 years.


An authentic NFL Jersey with the printed name of your dad’s favorite player who is 40 years younger than him ($99.99)

Dad will love lounging around the house and watching Monday Night Football in the replica NFL gear worn by his favorite athlete who was born nearly four decades after him.


Pocket-sized fun packs of mulch ($13.99)

Dad will have the time of his life carrying around these fun-sized packs of mulch that he can use whenever the mood strikes him. Comes in packs of eight.


Fold-up travel garage ($179.99)

Dad will never leave the house without this specially designed fold-up two-door garage. Comes fully equipped with bags of fertilizer, a refrigerator filled with beer, and every tool imaginable.


One week at Window-Weatherization Fantasy Camp ($1,200)

Buy your dad a full seven days away from the responsibilities of work and home where he can caulk around wood frames and install high-value V-strips shoulder-to-shoulder with window shrink-wrapping legends Tony Marshall, Greg Timmons, and Rob Jankovic.


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