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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Active Dad

Whether your dad loves sports, the great outdoors, or is always on the road, these gifts are guaranteed to wow the most important man in your life.


Lunch with St. Louis Cardinals’ 1987 first baseman Jack Clark ($280)

This limited-edition gift will give your dad the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to sit across the table from the two-time Silver Slugger Award winner and ask him about his 17-year career that showed him playing with the Cardinals, Giants, Yankees, Padres, and more! Price of lunch not included.


Ziploc bag full of shaving cream ($3.99)

Perfect for the dad on the go, this sealed bag filled to the brim with shaving cream will come in handy for long business trips or even just inside the medicine cabinet for when he needs it most.


Helicopter ($673,000)

A helicopter is the perfect gift for any dad.


160,000 golf tees ($300)

Let your dad skip the sporting goods store and hit the course with this special bag of 160,000 natural wood lacquered golf tees. Dad won’t be unprepared for a tee time for another 65-70 years.


An authentic NFL Jersey with the printed name of your dad’s favorite player who is 40 years younger than him ($99.99)

Dad will love lounging around the house and watching Monday Night Football in the replica NFL gear worn by his favorite athlete who was born nearly four decades after him.


Pocket-sized fun packs of mulch ($13.99)

Dad will have the time of his life carrying around these fun-sized packs of mulch that he can use whenever the mood strikes him. Comes in packs of eight.


Fold-up travel garage ($179.99)

Dad will never leave the house without this specially designed fold-up two-door garage. Comes fully equipped with bags of fertilizer, a refrigerator filled with beer, and every tool imaginable.


One week at Window-Weatherization Fantasy Camp ($1,200)

Buy your dad a full seven days away from the responsibilities of work and home where he can caulk around wood frames and install high-value V-strips shoulder-to-shoulder with window shrink-wrapping legends Tony Marshall, Greg Timmons, and Rob Jankovic.


More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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