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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Dad Who Has It All

Stuck last minute trying to figure out a gift for the father who has everything he possibly needs? Well, these unique gift ideas will let your dad know you’ve been thinking about him.


Tabla ($69.99)

Your dad will love sitting around the house on weekends playing this Indian instrument or getting together with his sitar-playing friends for a quick bhajan session in the garage.


Homemade coupon for 14-hour back rub

Give your dad a gift money can’t buy with a personally written coupon granting him one thorough, 14-hour back massage from you.


Portal to 1981, the last year he was happy

Make your dad flip with this temporal vortex granting him full access to the year when the peak of his life and career was still ahead of him, Reagan was president, and you weren’t born yet.


Just a giant 80-pound sack of beef, power tools, and Dire Straits albums ($59.99)

Not quite sure what dad wants this year? Well, this gargantuan sack of grade-A beef, power tools, and albums from the seminal British rock band will have you covered. Soak the bag with a few cans of Miller Lite for a bonus treat!


2013 Chrysler 300 ($45,000)

There’s no way you can afford it, but just know that some rich asshole did this for his dad and you didn’t.


Piece of printer paper with ‘Dad’ written on it ($4)

Comes in whatever size is in your father’s printer right now. You can also sign it with one of the pens on his desk if you want.


‘A Few Good Men’ novelty bottle opener

Perfect for when your dad just wants to unwind, this bottle opener will, every time he cracks open a beer, play the full four-minute-long audio of the scene in which Capt. Ross (Kevin Bacon) and Lt. Kaffee (Tom Cruise) question Cpl. Barnes (Jack Nicholson) about “Code Reds.”


Just a nice picture of all you kids

There’s nothing your dad really wants this year, but just a good photo of all you kids together for his wallet or office would be nice. You guys are all so far away now and the family is rarely all together. It’s the least you can do.


Small bottle of dirt you can say is from Tiger Stadium or Gettysburg or wherever ($7.99)

Tiny, nondescript bottle of dirt you can make your dad believe was collected from Tiger Stadium before it was demolished, or from the fields of Gettysburg, the shores of Normandy, the old Yankee stadium, or, you know, wherever.

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