The Onion's Gift Guide For Kids

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Vol 48 Issue 50

Fuck Everything, Nation Reports

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything...

McDonald's Prints Calorie Count Right Onto Meat

A rare pornographic movie is shot at the Vatican for the first time since 1982's 'Pope Fisters IV,' Taylor Swift is apparently now dating 'Garfield' creator Jim Davis, and Mumford and Sons can't believe they all got each other mandolins for Christmas.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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The Onion's Gift Guide For Kids

Looking for the perfect present for your kids? The Onion presents its ultimate holiday gift guide for children ages 5 and up.


Beats By Blé

Engineered to the strict specifications of Canadian jazz-pop crooner Michael Bublé, these high-quality studio headphones provide exceptional clarity and tonal fidelity. Enjoy the audio precision demanded by the star of NBC’s Michael Bublé: Home for the Holidays with the very same headphones worn by the adult contemporary master himself. Your favorite big band-pop renditions of timeless standards and Christmas classics never sounded so Blé-zing!


Authentic Piece Of Porcelain From Yankee Stadium Urinal

Own a part of Bronx Bombers history with an authentic chunk of a urinal pissed on by thousands of New York Yankees fans. Suitable for a shelf, desk, or display case.


iPad Onesie

Give your infant the attention she desires while sending out emails, keeping up with your favorite websites, and reading the latest bestsellers with this combination tablet computer and one-piece baby bodysuit. Your child will enjoy the gentle swipes and taps that outwardly seem to convey interest and maternal care while you enjoy the crystal clarity of Apple’s breathtaking Retina display! Dual-core processor; spit-up-proof.


Bag Of Teeth And Pinecones

Does that special someone on your list love pinecones, teeth, or both? Then this bag’s for you! Ideal for crafts and school projects. Also makes a great decoration when poured into a bowl.


Mr. Mouth

Your children will enjoy endless hours of fun with this anthropomorphic talking mouth! Mr. Mouth’s face is made of teeth, an upper lip forms his hair, and he walks around on his tongue. And you’ll never believe the wacky, wiseacre sayings that come out of his mouth-body! Open wide, it’s Mr. Mouth!


OPEC Hoodie

A high-quality, lightweight hooded sweatshirt with the official OPEC logo. Comfortable, durable, and stylish!


Lego Tree Of Life

Your kids will love envisioning the origins of the universe and pondering life’s deepest mysteries with this 256-piece Lego play-kit based on Terrence Malick’s Palme d’Or-winning film. They’ll have fun helping Lego Jack as he questions God and existence both in his suburban 1950s living room and as he wanders a sparse Lego-desert landscape. Features 27 Lego figurines, including both 11-year-old Jack and the disillusioned adult version of himself, microbial organisms, black holes, and a constructible mosquito-control truck that sprays a fake DDT mist, just like the real movie!

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