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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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The Onion's Gift Guide For Kids

Looking for the perfect present for your kids? The Onion presents its ultimate holiday gift guide for children ages 5 and up.


Beats By Blé

Engineered to the strict specifications of Canadian jazz-pop crooner Michael Bublé, these high-quality studio headphones provide exceptional clarity and tonal fidelity. Enjoy the audio precision demanded by the star of NBC’s Michael Bublé: Home for the Holidays with the very same headphones worn by the adult contemporary master himself. Your favorite big band-pop renditions of timeless standards and Christmas classics never sounded so Blé-zing!


Authentic Piece Of Porcelain From Yankee Stadium Urinal

Own a part of Bronx Bombers history with an authentic chunk of a urinal pissed on by thousands of New York Yankees fans. Suitable for a shelf, desk, or display case.


iPad Onesie

Give your infant the attention she desires while sending out emails, keeping up with your favorite websites, and reading the latest bestsellers with this combination tablet computer and one-piece baby bodysuit. Your child will enjoy the gentle swipes and taps that outwardly seem to convey interest and maternal care while you enjoy the crystal clarity of Apple’s breathtaking Retina display! Dual-core processor; spit-up-proof.


Bag Of Teeth And Pinecones

Does that special someone on your list love pinecones, teeth, or both? Then this bag’s for you! Ideal for crafts and school projects. Also makes a great decoration when poured into a bowl.


Mr. Mouth

Your children will enjoy endless hours of fun with this anthropomorphic talking mouth! Mr. Mouth’s face is made of teeth, an upper lip forms his hair, and he walks around on his tongue. And you’ll never believe the wacky, wiseacre sayings that come out of his mouth-body! Open wide, it’s Mr. Mouth!


OPEC Hoodie

A high-quality, lightweight hooded sweatshirt with the official OPEC logo. Comfortable, durable, and stylish!


Lego Tree Of Life

Your kids will love envisioning the origins of the universe and pondering life’s deepest mysteries with this 256-piece Lego play-kit based on Terrence Malick’s Palme d’Or-winning film. They’ll have fun helping Lego Jack as he questions God and existence both in his suburban 1950s living room and as he wanders a sparse Lego-desert landscape. Features 27 Lego figurines, including both 11-year-old Jack and the disillusioned adult version of himself, microbial organisms, black holes, and a constructible mosquito-control truck that sprays a fake DDT mist, just like the real movie!

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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