adBlockCheck

The Onion's Gift Guide For Kids

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Onion's Gift Guide For Kids

Looking for the perfect present for your kids? The Onion presents its ultimate holiday gift guide for children ages 5 and up.


Beats By Blé

Engineered to the strict specifications of Canadian jazz-pop crooner Michael Bublé, these high-quality studio headphones provide exceptional clarity and tonal fidelity. Enjoy the audio precision demanded by the star of NBC’s Michael Bublé: Home for the Holidays with the very same headphones worn by the adult contemporary master himself. Your favorite big band-pop renditions of timeless standards and Christmas classics never sounded so Blé-zing!


Authentic Piece Of Porcelain From Yankee Stadium Urinal

Own a part of Bronx Bombers history with an authentic chunk of a urinal pissed on by thousands of New York Yankees fans. Suitable for a shelf, desk, or display case.


iPad Onesie

Give your infant the attention she desires while sending out emails, keeping up with your favorite websites, and reading the latest bestsellers with this combination tablet computer and one-piece baby bodysuit. Your child will enjoy the gentle swipes and taps that outwardly seem to convey interest and maternal care while you enjoy the crystal clarity of Apple’s breathtaking Retina display! Dual-core processor; spit-up-proof.


Bag Of Teeth And Pinecones

Does that special someone on your list love pinecones, teeth, or both? Then this bag’s for you! Ideal for crafts and school projects. Also makes a great decoration when poured into a bowl.


Mr. Mouth

Your children will enjoy endless hours of fun with this anthropomorphic talking mouth! Mr. Mouth’s face is made of teeth, an upper lip forms his hair, and he walks around on his tongue. And you’ll never believe the wacky, wiseacre sayings that come out of his mouth-body! Open wide, it’s Mr. Mouth!


OPEC Hoodie

A high-quality, lightweight hooded sweatshirt with the official OPEC logo. Comfortable, durable, and stylish!


Lego Tree Of Life

Your kids will love envisioning the origins of the universe and pondering life’s deepest mysteries with this 256-piece Lego play-kit based on Terrence Malick’s Palme d’Or-winning film. They’ll have fun helping Lego Jack as he questions God and existence both in his suburban 1950s living room and as he wanders a sparse Lego-desert landscape. Features 27 Lego figurines, including both 11-year-old Jack and the disillusioned adult version of himself, microbial organisms, black holes, and a constructible mosquito-control truck that sprays a fake DDT mist, just like the real movie!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close