The Onion's Gift Guide For Kids

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Good Times

The Onion's Gift Guide For Kids

Looking for the perfect present for your kids? The Onion presents its ultimate holiday gift guide for children ages 5 and up.


Beats By Blé

Engineered to the strict specifications of Canadian jazz-pop crooner Michael Bublé, these high-quality studio headphones provide exceptional clarity and tonal fidelity. Enjoy the audio precision demanded by the star of NBC’s Michael Bublé: Home for the Holidays with the very same headphones worn by the adult contemporary master himself. Your favorite big band-pop renditions of timeless standards and Christmas classics never sounded so Blé-zing!


Authentic Piece Of Porcelain From Yankee Stadium Urinal

Own a part of Bronx Bombers history with an authentic chunk of a urinal pissed on by thousands of New York Yankees fans. Suitable for a shelf, desk, or display case.


iPad Onesie

Give your infant the attention she desires while sending out emails, keeping up with your favorite websites, and reading the latest bestsellers with this combination tablet computer and one-piece baby bodysuit. Your child will enjoy the gentle swipes and taps that outwardly seem to convey interest and maternal care while you enjoy the crystal clarity of Apple’s breathtaking Retina display! Dual-core processor; spit-up-proof.


Bag Of Teeth And Pinecones

Does that special someone on your list love pinecones, teeth, or both? Then this bag’s for you! Ideal for crafts and school projects. Also makes a great decoration when poured into a bowl.


Mr. Mouth

Your children will enjoy endless hours of fun with this anthropomorphic talking mouth! Mr. Mouth’s face is made of teeth, an upper lip forms his hair, and he walks around on his tongue. And you’ll never believe the wacky, wiseacre sayings that come out of his mouth-body! Open wide, it’s Mr. Mouth!


OPEC Hoodie

A high-quality, lightweight hooded sweatshirt with the official OPEC logo. Comfortable, durable, and stylish!


Lego Tree Of Life

Your kids will love envisioning the origins of the universe and pondering life’s deepest mysteries with this 256-piece Lego play-kit based on Terrence Malick’s Palme d’Or-winning film. They’ll have fun helping Lego Jack as he questions God and existence both in his suburban 1950s living room and as he wanders a sparse Lego-desert landscape. Features 27 Lego figurines, including both 11-year-old Jack and the disillusioned adult version of himself, microbial organisms, black holes, and a constructible mosquito-control truck that sprays a fake DDT mist, just like the real movie!