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The Onion's Gift Guide For The Home

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

The Onion's Gift Guide For The Home

Are you the kind of asshole who can't get enough Crate & Barrel? If so, find the right presents to liven up your home this holiday season in The Onion's gift guide for the home.


Ceramic Family Soup Bowl

Enjoy stews, bisques, chowders, and chilis with the entire family around this six-foot-wide, four-foot-deep ceramic soup bowl. You can start your mornings off right by sharing a communal bowl of cereal with all your loved ones or bond over late-night popcorn or ice cream—the possibilities are endless with this handsome eight-person tabletop bowl.


Handcrafted Soaps Your Aunt Will Fucking Shit Herself Over

One look at these artisan-crafted, small-batch soaps and your aunt is guaranteed to shit all fucking over herself. She’ll completely drench her drawers in her own fecal matter when you mention that each bar features fragrant lavender and chamomile essential oils. Available individually or in bowel-clearing sets of six.


Flames Of The World Collection

Eight of the world’s signature flames can be yours with this collector's set of handcrafted fires made from a variety of flammable materials from around the globe. Includes Zimbabwe thatch hut, old-growth forest, jagged wreckage, Appalachian tinder, residential, chemical plant, Tokyo five-alarm, and sagebrush.


Punching Doug

Easily hung from any ceiling or freely standing on his own, this 43-year-old man can be repeatedly hit and kicked in any part of the body to help you let off a little steam or as part of your daily training routine. Go ahead, punch him down—he pops right back up, smiling and covered in blood! Limited quantity; order now.


Mitsubishi LaserVue 75" Novelty TV

Send friends and family into fits of hysterics with this hilariously oversized television that measures three-and-a-half feet tall and over five feet wide! The comically large images, presented in high-definition 1080p, are guaranteed to leave your guests doubled over in laughter. $4,499.


Sharp Knife

Look at it. Just look at how its edge glints in the light. Imagine its cold handle clenched in your fist. Imagine the freedom it could give you—the freedom you’ve been craving for so long. Could it solve all your problems?


Metal Lovers’ Two-Door Hutch With Metal

Featuring prominent metal detailing, sturdy metal legs, and satin-finish metal hardware, the signature hutch in our Metal Lovers’ line—clad in lustrous metal panels, brushed sheet metal, and metal veneers—reflects the extraordinary qualities that set metal apart from the rest. Hutch features adjustable-height metal shelves. Both doors are metal.


Framed Gift Guide

Let the memories of your holiday shopping live on the whole year through with a matted and framed collector’s edition of this very gift guide, lithograph-printed on archival quality paper. The perfect gift guide is now the perfect gift!

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