The Onion's Gift Guide For The Person Who Has Everything

In This Section

Vol 48 Issue 50

Fuck Everything, Nation Reports

WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything...

McDonald's Prints Calorie Count Right Onto Meat

A rare pornographic movie is shot at the Vatican for the first time since 1982's 'Pope Fisters IV,' Taylor Swift is apparently now dating 'Garfield' creator Jim Davis, and Mumford and Sons can't believe they all got each other mandolins for Christmas.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Late Night

The Onion's Gift Guide For The Person Who Has Everything

Before you waste your money again, The Onion's holiday gift guide offers these can’t miss ideas for what to give your somewhat-loved ones who already have everything.


Belt Ties

Why should necks get all the fun of ties? Belt ties hang from your waist and dangle between your legs. Available in a variety of colors, patterns, and cuts, including traditional, skinny, and bolo. Perfect for formal occasions, job interviews, or a night on the town.


150-Disc Supernatural Box Set

Listen to the hit 1999 Santana album Supernatural the way it was meant to be heard—on 150 compact discs! Enjoy each and every level check, all the used and unused instrument and vocal tracks, and an extended 14-disc version of “Smooth” featuring Rob Thomas!


Eddie Bauer Thigh-High Suede Slippers

These hand-sewn suede slippers are stylish, comfortable, and feature a breathable sheepskin lining that will keep feet, ankles, calves, knees, and thighs toasty on cold winter mornings. Advanced moisture-wicking technology will prevent you from being drenched in your own leg sweat.


Judith Light For One Night

The former Who’s The Boss? star is available to you for one night only. $600.


Batnip Toys

Drive your bats wild with these fun felt toys filled with all-natural plants that bats just can’t resist. One hundred percent safe and non-toxic, these toys are fun, entertaining, and guaranteed to drive bats batty!


Your Face On A Grain Silo

Get your mug out there where it belongs—on a grain silo! Only $222.95.


David Paymer’s Shirt

A reproduction of the dress shirt worn by Morty (David Paymer) in the hit motion picture In Good Company. Also available with replica charcoal suit pants!


Kohl's Retail Outlet

Department store offering a wide variety of brand-name apparel, home products, kitchenware, and electronics. Perfect for that someone on your list who already has everything. 86,000 square feet.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More