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The Onion's Gift Guide For The Person Who Has Everything

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PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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The Onion's Gift Guide For The Person Who Has Everything

Before you waste your money again, The Onion's holiday gift guide offers these can’t miss ideas for what to give your somewhat-loved ones who already have everything.


Belt Ties

Why should necks get all the fun of ties? Belt ties hang from your waist and dangle between your legs. Available in a variety of colors, patterns, and cuts, including traditional, skinny, and bolo. Perfect for formal occasions, job interviews, or a night on the town.


150-Disc Supernatural Box Set

Listen to the hit 1999 Santana album Supernatural the way it was meant to be heard—on 150 compact discs! Enjoy each and every level check, all the used and unused instrument and vocal tracks, and an extended 14-disc version of “Smooth” featuring Rob Thomas!


Eddie Bauer Thigh-High Suede Slippers

These hand-sewn suede slippers are stylish, comfortable, and feature a breathable sheepskin lining that will keep feet, ankles, calves, knees, and thighs toasty on cold winter mornings. Advanced moisture-wicking technology will prevent you from being drenched in your own leg sweat.


Judith Light For One Night

The former Who’s The Boss? star is available to you for one night only. $600.


Batnip Toys

Drive your bats wild with these fun felt toys filled with all-natural plants that bats just can’t resist. One hundred percent safe and non-toxic, these toys are fun, entertaining, and guaranteed to drive bats batty!


Your Face On A Grain Silo

Get your mug out there where it belongs—on a grain silo! Only $222.95.


David Paymer’s Shirt

A reproduction of the dress shirt worn by Morty (David Paymer) in the hit motion picture In Good Company. Also available with replica charcoal suit pants!


Kohl's Retail Outlet

Department store offering a wide variety of brand-name apparel, home products, kitchenware, and electronics. Perfect for that someone on your list who already has everything. 86,000 square feet.

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