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The Onion's Gift Guide For The Person Who Has Everything

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High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

The Onion's Gift Guide For The Person Who Has Everything

Before you waste your money again, The Onion's holiday gift guide offers these can’t miss ideas for what to give your somewhat-loved ones who already have everything.


Belt Ties

Why should necks get all the fun of ties? Belt ties hang from your waist and dangle between your legs. Available in a variety of colors, patterns, and cuts, including traditional, skinny, and bolo. Perfect for formal occasions, job interviews, or a night on the town.


150-Disc Supernatural Box Set

Listen to the hit 1999 Santana album Supernatural the way it was meant to be heard—on 150 compact discs! Enjoy each and every level check, all the used and unused instrument and vocal tracks, and an extended 14-disc version of “Smooth” featuring Rob Thomas!


Eddie Bauer Thigh-High Suede Slippers

These hand-sewn suede slippers are stylish, comfortable, and feature a breathable sheepskin lining that will keep feet, ankles, calves, knees, and thighs toasty on cold winter mornings. Advanced moisture-wicking technology will prevent you from being drenched in your own leg sweat.


Judith Light For One Night

The former Who’s The Boss? star is available to you for one night only. $600.


Batnip Toys

Drive your bats wild with these fun felt toys filled with all-natural plants that bats just can’t resist. One hundred percent safe and non-toxic, these toys are fun, entertaining, and guaranteed to drive bats batty!


Your Face On A Grain Silo

Get your mug out there where it belongs—on a grain silo! Only $222.95.


David Paymer’s Shirt

A reproduction of the dress shirt worn by Morty (David Paymer) in the hit motion picture In Good Company. Also available with replica charcoal suit pants!


Kohl's Retail Outlet

Department store offering a wide variety of brand-name apparel, home products, kitchenware, and electronics. Perfect for that someone on your list who already has everything. 86,000 square feet.

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