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The Onion's Gift Guide For The Person Who Has Everything

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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
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The Onion's Gift Guide For The Person Who Has Everything

Before you waste your money again, The Onion's holiday gift guide offers these can’t miss ideas for what to give your somewhat-loved ones who already have everything.


Belt Ties

Why should necks get all the fun of ties? Belt ties hang from your waist and dangle between your legs. Available in a variety of colors, patterns, and cuts, including traditional, skinny, and bolo. Perfect for formal occasions, job interviews, or a night on the town.


150-Disc Supernatural Box Set

Listen to the hit 1999 Santana album Supernatural the way it was meant to be heard—on 150 compact discs! Enjoy each and every level check, all the used and unused instrument and vocal tracks, and an extended 14-disc version of “Smooth” featuring Rob Thomas!


Eddie Bauer Thigh-High Suede Slippers

These hand-sewn suede slippers are stylish, comfortable, and feature a breathable sheepskin lining that will keep feet, ankles, calves, knees, and thighs toasty on cold winter mornings. Advanced moisture-wicking technology will prevent you from being drenched in your own leg sweat.


Judith Light For One Night

The former Who’s The Boss? star is available to you for one night only. $600.


Batnip Toys

Drive your bats wild with these fun felt toys filled with all-natural plants that bats just can’t resist. One hundred percent safe and non-toxic, these toys are fun, entertaining, and guaranteed to drive bats batty!


Your Face On A Grain Silo

Get your mug out there where it belongs—on a grain silo! Only $222.95.


David Paymer’s Shirt

A reproduction of the dress shirt worn by Morty (David Paymer) in the hit motion picture In Good Company. Also available with replica charcoal suit pants!


Kohl's Retail Outlet

Department store offering a wide variety of brand-name apparel, home products, kitchenware, and electronics. Perfect for that someone on your list who already has everything. 86,000 square feet.

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