The Onion's Issue-By-Issue Candidate Guide

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Vol 48 Issue 44

Natalie Blasi

After realizing no one else was going to step up, Natalie Blasi assumed the role of the person who lets everyone in the post office line know how long they’ve all been waiting.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

The Onion's Issue-By-Issue Candidate Guide

As Election Day nears, inform your vote with The Onion’s definitive issue-by-issue guide to the presidential candidates. Check back daily for further analysis of where the candidates stand on all of the major issues facing our nation.

To help you prepare even further, you must watch The Onion Voter's Guides. Do it now. It's the law: Mitt Romney | Barack Obama

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