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The Onion's Live Coverage Of Election Day 2012

Top Headlines

Politics

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday.

Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.

Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

A key issue currently driving a wedge between political parties in the U.S. is the question of so-called political correctness, or the avoidance of language and actions that could be construed as exclusive, oppressive, or marginalizing of minority groups. Here are the pros and cons of political correctness in our national discourse:

Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

GOP presidential frontrunner Ben Carson is currently under fire for claims he’s made about his past in books and interviews, many of which journalists have alleged are fabricated or skewed in the candidate’s favor. The Onion breaks down what’s truth and what’s fiction.

Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
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Special Coverage

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

The Onion's Live Coverage Of Election Day 2012

Highlights

  • 12:58 a.m. EST

    'I Want To Congratulate The President,' Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign

    BOSTON—While delivering his concession speech at the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center Tuesday night, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney uttered the 240,000th and final lie of his 2012 campaign when he offered his “sincere congratulations” to President Barack Obama.

    Full Article

  • 10:25 p.m. EST

    Defeated Man Victorious

    CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection by exceeding 270 electoral votes.

    Full Article

  • 10:55 p.m. EST

    Voter Turnout Update

    Thousands of Oklahoma voters are flocking past polls, looking around in confusion, taking another wrong turn, circling back around, walking past the damn polling place again, finally asking directions at gas station, and then getting lost again.

  • 10:40 p.m. EST

    Voter Turnout Update

    In Santa Fe, a line of voters reeled up 100 feet in air, hissed at election workers, and slithered back into its burrow.

  • 10:28 p.m. EST

    Onion Media Watch

    CNN is now projecting its insecurities onto the nation.

  • 10:14 p.m. EST

    Election Results: Wyoming

    Confused Wyoming residents have legalized sex with marijuana.

  • 10:02 p.m. EST

    From The Onion’s Kansas Bureau

    Reports out of Kansas are confirming that Jack Dellman has read the ballot measure regarding a sanitation department bond appropriation six times and still doesn't know what it's asking.

  • 9:57 pm EST

    Twitter Update

  • 9:50 p.m. EST

    Election Fact

    If tonight ends with the winner undecided, it provides a good opportunity to teach your kids about the 2000 Presidential Shitshow from Fucking Hell.

  • 9:41 p.m. EST

    Twitter Update

  • 9:41 p.m. EST

    Update From Romney HQ

    Paul Ryan is currently burning off his extra energy with a quick lap around the United States.

  • 9:30 p.m. EST

    The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge Presents:

    Electoral College, flawed system that everyone agrees is obsolete, but is thankfully only used to elect the president of the United States.

  • 9:16 p.m. EST

    Onion Media Watch

    UPDATE: CNN.com is a good place to check up on election news if you enjoy reading poorly reported news written by mule-brained imbeciles.

  • 9:09 p.m. EST

    Voter Turnout Update

    Hundreds of Alaskan voters are now starting off the day bright and early by heading to the polls.

  • 9:01 p.m. EST

    From The Onion’s Florida Bureau

    Florida residents are reporting confusion and widespread disruptions as the entire topography of their state alternates between glowing pink and light blue.

  • 8:53 p.m. EST

    Election Fact

    The 16th President of the United States Abraham Lincoln did not have a beard, but his chin and entire jaw line were covered in thousands of moles sprouting thick bristles of hair

  • 8:42 p.m. EST

    Onion Media Watch

    UPDATE: More poor journalism from your Pulitzer Award-winning The New York Times.

  • 8:37 p.m. EST

    National Voter Highlights

  • 8:27 p.m. EST

    Breaking News From Ohio

    UPDATE: Vote that will determine whether or not earth is utterly destroyed in 2 years just cast in Ohio by Akron-area mall security guard.

  • 8:22 p.m. EST

    Election Fact

    As per election tradition, the University of Georgia will illuminate their school’s bell tower red if Romney wins or immediately torch it in flames if Obama wins.

  • 8:15 p.m. EST

    Wolf Blitzer Debuts New Real-Time Election Results Beard

  • 8:05 p.m. EST

    Election Fact

    There are more than 170 statewide ballot initiatives involving love

  • 7:56 p.m. EST

    National Voter Highlights

  • 7:45 p.m. EST

    Voter Turnout Update

    Early results are showing that 212,350 of the nation’s Dougs have voted in this year’s election, leaving an approximate 78,080 Doug votes still unaccounted for.

  • 7:38 p.m. EST

    Onion Media Watch

    UPDATE: The entire New York Times political reporting staff has just amassed what might very well be the worst 24 hours of election-themed coverage ever published. Piss-poor and without merit.

  • 7:32 p.m. EST

    National Election Highlights:

  • 7:28 p.m. EST

    National Voter Highlights

  • 7:22 p.m. EST

    STATSHOT: Which Presidential Candidate Are We Voting For?

  • 7:15 p.m. EST

    Obama Announces We Are Invading Iran Right Now

    WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation from the Oval Office this evening, President Barack Obama announced that a full-scale U.S. military invasion of the Islamic Republic of Iran is currently underway.

    Full Article

  • 7:09 p.m. EST

    Onion Media Watch

    UPDATE: Ryan Lizza of The New Yorker magazine has done an exceptionally poor job of covering the election today and should resign.

  • 7:04 p.m. EST

    National Election Highlights:

  • 6:53 p.m. EST

    Election Fact

    To take the White House, a candidate must secure 270 electoral votes; however, candidates can win various other prizes by reaching different predetermined vote totals. Here’s a look at the prizes up for grabs in this year’s election:
    4 electoral votes — Federal Election Commission keychain
    10 electoral votes — American flag pencil set
    25 electoral votes — “Don’t Tread On Me” temporary tattoo
    75 electoral votes — A $25 iTunes gift card
    90 electoral votes — Founding Fathers sticker set
    225 electoral votes — Presidential Seal fleece blanket
    320 electoral votes — A fitted 'Commander-in-Chief' baseball cap
    360 electoral votes — Bald eagle (Note: Ronald Reagan is the only man to ever win a bald eagle.)

  • 6:44 p.m. EST

    Campaign Finance Update

    According to campaign finances, Romney blew $17,000 on the vote of Frank Salinsky from Roanoke, VA

  • 6:40 p.m. EST

    Edwards Celebration Begins

    John Edwards is currently being greeted by 250,000 cheering supporters in North Carolina

  • 6:35 p.m. EST

    Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe

    Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes.

  • 6:28 p.m. EST

    Onion Media Watch

    UPDATE: Alexander Burns of Politico.com is doing a very bad job covering the election today.

  • 6:24 p.m. EST

    National Voter Highlights

  • 6:22 p.m. EST

    Update From Romney HQ

    Romney kicking back on Election Day with relaxed pickup sculling race with staff.

  • 6:18 p.m. EST

    Voter Turnout Update

    Some polling locations in Virginia are reporting lines as fat as 16,000 pounds.

  • 6:12 p.m. EST

    Polling Booth Completely Disgusting By Time Last Voters Get There

    WILMINGTON, DE—Noting the sticky floors, pervasive smell of fecal matter, and greasy residue on the electronic equipment, voters arriving late in the day to cast their ballots at the Woodlawn Library polling station reported that the voting booth was completely disgusting by the time they got there.

    Full Article

  • 5:53 p.m. EST

    National Voter Highlights

  • 5:44 p.m. EST

    Poll Update

    Barack Obama has edged an 8-point lead over Mitt Romney in the latest New York Times/Benjamin Bratt poll. The traditionally left-leaning poll, a collaboration between the New York Times and actor/pollster Benjamin Bratt, correctly predicted the outcome of 45 of 50 states during the 2008 election.

  • 5:34 p.m. EST

    STATSHOT: How Are We Voting On Proposition 4?

  • 5:29 p.m. EST

    Republican Voters Voicing Complaints About Intimidating Black Man On Ballot

    For more on voter suppression, click here.

  • 5:09 p.m. EST

    National Voter Highlights

  • 5:00 p.m. EST

    National Voter Highlights

  • 4:57 p.m. EST

    National Election Highlights:

  • 4:42 p.m. EST

    The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge Presents:

    Election, special day dedicated to celebrating the democratic process in which citizens dress in their best voting clothes, joyfully make their way to their local polling places, and, having carefully weighed the issues of the day and how they relate to the greater good, cast their ballots to change the government for the better. Since it is a national holiday, voters get Election Day off from work so they may gather with family and friends over a festive meal to engage in spirited, but respectful, discussions about the possible outcomes of the election and how it will be remembered in the larger historical context of democracy. Once a candidate is declared the winner, all voters, regardless of political affiliation, dutifully throw their support behind the newly elected official and end the day with a customary toast to government by the people, for the people.

  • 4:30 p.m. EST

    National Election Highlights:

  • 4:02 p.m. EST

    STATSHOT: What Issue Matters Most To Us In This Election?

  • 3:48 p.m. EST

    National Voter Highlights

  • 3:36 p.m. EST

    Majestic Sounds Of 'Goddamn Long Line’ Ring Across America

    WASHINGTON—In a breathtaking chorus heard only once every four years, sources confirmed that the glorious sounds of “goddamn long line” rang out across the country Tuesday, resonating with magnificent consonance from the highest mountain tops to the lowest valleys.

    Full Article

  • 3:24 p.m. EST

    The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge Presents:

    Voting, election process during which at least one person writes in “none of the above” and gives himself a little pat on the back for it.

  • 3:16 p.m. EST

    National Election Highlights:

  • 3:05 p.m. EST

    STATSHOT: Where Is Our Polling Location?

  • 2:57 p.m. EST

    Only Name Area Man Recognizes On Ballot 'Jill Stein'

    ALTOONA, PA—After casting his vote in the presidential election this morning, Altoona voter Doug Lawson, 36, admitted to reporters outside his local polling station that the only name he recognized on the whole ballot was that of Green Party candidate Jill Stein.

    Full Article

  • 2:34 p.m. EST

    Poll Workers Overhear Biden Repeating Phrase 'Banged Her' While Reading Names On Ballot

    GREENVILLE, DE—Local election workers confirmed Tuesday that they overheard Vice President Joe Biden repeating the phrase “banged her” and describing salacious details of sexual encounters with various female candidates as he read through the names listed on his ballot.

    Full Article

  • 2:18 p.m. EST

    National Voter Highlights

  • 2:11 p.m. EST

    Proud Obama Takes Malia And Sasha To Polls To Vote In Their First Election

    For more on Sasha's role during the campaign, click here.

  • 2:00 p.m. EST

    'The Onion' Calls Florida, Ohio, Colorado, Pennsylvania For John Edwards

    WASHINGTON—With six or more hours remaining before most polling locations close, The Onion is officially calling Florida, Ohio, Colorado, and Pennsylvania for John Edwards, giving the former North Carolina senator 76 electoral votes and virtually assuring his election to the presidency.

    Full Article

  • 1:30 p.m. EST

    How To Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit On Election Day

    How to avoid all of the miserable status updates, photos, and video posts from your most obnoxious Facebook friends on Election Day.

  • 1:17 p.m. EST

    National Election Highlights:

  • 1:10 p.m. EST

    Area Man To Run Naked Through Streets Tonight No Matter Who Wins Election

    OMAHA, NE—Local man Luke Dotson, 34, told reporters this morning that, regardless of who wins today’s presidential election, he plans to take off all his clothes and run screaming through town as soon as a winner is announced.

    Full Article

  • 12:45 p.m. EST

    National Voter Highlights

  • 12:15 p.m. EST

    Enthusiasm Of 18-Year-Old First-Time Voter Completely Unbearable

    SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to sources close to high school senior Jeffrey Safran, the 18-year-old’s limitless enthusiasm for casting his first-ever vote has become completely insufferable to everyone around him.

    Full Article

  • 11:34 a.m. EST

    National Election Highlights:

  • 11:17 a.m. EST

    Man Who Eats Breakfast At Dunkin' Donuts Every Morning And Enjoys The ‘Saw’ Films Allowed To Vote

    YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to records obtained from the Mahoning County registrar’s office, local man David Kearney, who eats breakfast at Dunkin’ Donuts every day and is a passionate fan of the Saw film franchise, is actually allowed to vote in today’s general election.

    Full Article

  • 11:00 a.m. EST

    Ashes Of Deceased Presidents Rubbed Upon Voters' Heads In Hallowed Election Day Tradition

  • 10:30 a.m. EST

    Paul Ryan Spending Final Day Of Campaign Reminding Homeless People They Did This To Themselves

    Paul Ryan is spending the final day of the campaign doing what he loves–reminding America's downtrodden that everything bad in their lives is their own fault.

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