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The Onion's Other Top Newsmakers Of 2012

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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The Onion's Other Top Newsmakers Of 2012

Greg Ogletree: The Man Inside The Mars Rover

NASA employee Greg Ogletree, the man seated inside the Mars rover Curiosity, inspired the nation this year when he successfully touched down on the Red Planet and began driving the vehicle across its surface. In addition to Ogletree’s primary task of guiding the rover around Mars using its steering wheel, pedals, and gear stick, the 44-year-old is also charged with verbally describing the Martian landscape to mission control, keeping an eye out for water, and tasting soil samples.


Rape

2012 was a banner year for forcible sexual intercourse, as the political, entertainment, and even sports worlds became swept up in the nationwide rape craze. From raping women, to raping young boys, to rape jokes, to rapes resulting in pregnancies, to inflammatory public remarks concerning rape, America simply couldn’t get its fill of brutal sexual defilement this year. And with unwanted violations still hot on the lips of the nation’s top lawmakers, rape doesn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.


The Antichrist

Athens, GA resident Scott Jorgenson, the Antichrist, had a particularly noteworthy 2012, purchasing a new condominium in March, finally moving in with his girlfriend, Trish, and remaining intent on provoking the downfall of all humanity. The very incarnation of evil itself, the 32-year-old website designer and spawn of Lucifer also earned a sizable raise at work and, in addition to seeking to undo all that is good and pure in the heart of mankind and retiling his master bathroom all by himself, helped his office bowling team to a league title.


The Minority Or Whatever

2012 was a landmark year for the minority or whatever, who made their voices heard like never before and blah, blah, blah. Many minority groups, including African-Americans, Hispanics, women, same-sex couples, and whoever else took on a more prominent role in the nation’s political discourse, or something along those lines. They also made great strides for better pay and equal employment opportunities, making the case that they deserve to be treated as valuable members of society and whatever other bullshit they were whining about all year.


Assault Rifle

From Africa and the Middle East to the shopping mall and movie theater right down the road, the assault rifle seemed to be everywhere in 2012. The international and domestic megastar was simply unable to stay out of headlines this year, as the young, the religiously obsessed, and the mentally unstable couldn’t get enough of the fully automatic weapon. With the gun’s popularity only on the rise, 2013 is poised to be an even bigger year for the high-powered military-grade rifle, so keep an eye out for it.


The Internet Commenter

Internet commenter Nick Mayfield, 32, enjoyed a breakout year in 2012, posting on such sites as Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, The Huffington Post, and Buzzfeed. Expressing his views on politics, music, movies, celebrities, sports, general pop culture, and the opinions of other Internet commenters, Mayfield initially burst onto the scene in mid-February after calling a fellow YouTube user a “fukin faggot” for posting a low-resolution trailer for The Avengers.


Ronald Trump

It was another notable year for 68-year-old Ronald Trump, the older brother of real estate mogul and multimillionaire Donald Trump. The small business owner reported modest profits from his local pizzeria Ronald’s in Newark, NJ, and although he had to be put on medication for high blood pressure in March, he’s doing just fine now.

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