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The Onion's Other Top Newsmakers Of 2012

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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The Onion's Other Top Newsmakers Of 2012

Greg Ogletree: The Man Inside The Mars Rover

NASA employee Greg Ogletree, the man seated inside the Mars rover Curiosity, inspired the nation this year when he successfully touched down on the Red Planet and began driving the vehicle across its surface. In addition to Ogletree’s primary task of guiding the rover around Mars using its steering wheel, pedals, and gear stick, the 44-year-old is also charged with verbally describing the Martian landscape to mission control, keeping an eye out for water, and tasting soil samples.


Rape

2012 was a banner year for forcible sexual intercourse, as the political, entertainment, and even sports worlds became swept up in the nationwide rape craze. From raping women, to raping young boys, to rape jokes, to rapes resulting in pregnancies, to inflammatory public remarks concerning rape, America simply couldn’t get its fill of brutal sexual defilement this year. And with unwanted violations still hot on the lips of the nation’s top lawmakers, rape doesn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.


The Antichrist

Athens, GA resident Scott Jorgenson, the Antichrist, had a particularly noteworthy 2012, purchasing a new condominium in March, finally moving in with his girlfriend, Trish, and remaining intent on provoking the downfall of all humanity. The very incarnation of evil itself, the 32-year-old website designer and spawn of Lucifer also earned a sizable raise at work and, in addition to seeking to undo all that is good and pure in the heart of mankind and retiling his master bathroom all by himself, helped his office bowling team to a league title.


The Minority Or Whatever

2012 was a landmark year for the minority or whatever, who made their voices heard like never before and blah, blah, blah. Many minority groups, including African-Americans, Hispanics, women, same-sex couples, and whoever else took on a more prominent role in the nation’s political discourse, or something along those lines. They also made great strides for better pay and equal employment opportunities, making the case that they deserve to be treated as valuable members of society and whatever other bullshit they were whining about all year.


Assault Rifle

From Africa and the Middle East to the shopping mall and movie theater right down the road, the assault rifle seemed to be everywhere in 2012. The international and domestic megastar was simply unable to stay out of headlines this year, as the young, the religiously obsessed, and the mentally unstable couldn’t get enough of the fully automatic weapon. With the gun’s popularity only on the rise, 2013 is poised to be an even bigger year for the high-powered military-grade rifle, so keep an eye out for it.


The Internet Commenter

Internet commenter Nick Mayfield, 32, enjoyed a breakout year in 2012, posting on such sites as Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, The Huffington Post, and Buzzfeed. Expressing his views on politics, music, movies, celebrities, sports, general pop culture, and the opinions of other Internet commenters, Mayfield initially burst onto the scene in mid-February after calling a fellow YouTube user a “fukin faggot” for posting a low-resolution trailer for The Avengers.


Ronald Trump

It was another notable year for 68-year-old Ronald Trump, the older brother of real estate mogul and multimillionaire Donald Trump. The small business owner reported modest profits from his local pizzeria Ronald’s in Newark, NJ, and although he had to be put on medication for high blood pressure in March, he’s doing just fine now.

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