adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Onion's Person Of The Year Is…

No one.

Yes, you deciphered those words correctly, simpleton news-reader: Every human in the year two thousand and twelve—beyond myself, of course—was not only unworthy of this news-paper’s Person of the Year distinction but deserved my very deepest scorn and contempt. Reader, did you really harbor the thought, somewhere in your porridge-stuffed head, that your favorite photo-play actress, law-maker, or pious holy man might actually be worthy of special commendation? Your childlike naïveté amuses me almost to the point of laughter, a sensation I have not physically experienced since the sinking of the Lusitania in 1915.

There is no Person of the Year. How dare you even presume there might be?

The task of choosing a Person of the Year has vexed me since I first invented the honor in 1896, and each year subsequent has filled me with an ever-increasing dread. Why, I recall 1938, when the mule-brained busybodies who laughably refer to themselves as my editorial staff recommended three candidates for The Onion’s Person of the Year: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, and Jesse Owens. Understandably enraged at the prospect of choosing between a meddling, blue-blood cripple, a proof-scribbling Kraut, and a grotesquely expeditious Negro, I did the only sensible thing and awarded the prize to Adolf Hitler, and proudly so. If Mr. Hitler were breathing today, I would likely bestow the honor on him again, but, regrettably, the wheels of history had other plans.

The choices offered me this year were no more auspicious, I assure you, not least of all because I had not heard of a damned blasted one of them. Only this Bashar al-Assad gentleman intrigued me, although I have determined he is still another year away from unleashing his full potential. The rest could be swept into the dustbin of history and none would be the poorer. The proliferation of women, Negroes, Irish, Jews, Jewesses, and Chinee on the short-list of “nominees” was enough to send me into an apoplexy requiring half a dozen nurse-maids to contain.

Oh, I suppose I could award the honor to myself, as I have on 83 separate occasions in the past 115-odd years, but the thrill of favoritism wore off decades ago. As did the temptation of a supple bribe. And besides, from what little sense I could gather from the laudanum-dazed confines of my bed-chamber, it would appear the 12th year of this confounded century was quite an abhorrent year indeed, filled with abhorrent people doing abhorrent things. At the rate things are going now, this staggering mess we insist on calling civilization will be but a pile of ash in a century’s time, and this news-paper will never again have to publish this annual feature. One can only hope, and dream.

Yours in misery,

T. Herman Zweibel
Publisher Emeritus

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close