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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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The Onion's Plan For Solving The Fiscal Cliff Crisis

With the so-called fiscal cliff arriving in three weeks, The Onion would like to offer its own simple and mutually beneficial plan for averting a crisis. Those who reject any part of this plan are not only ignorant, but are also guilty of actively trying to undermine the nation and its government.

STEP ONE: Eliminate school breakfast and lunch programs, Medicaid, the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the Environmental Protection Agency, Medicare, PBS, New Mexico, elk, the Coast Guard, and all dams.

STEP TWO: Eliminate all nonessential public school programs entirely and offer only three courses: Corn Farming, Nuclear Weaponry, and Print Journalism.

STEP THREE: Eliminate federal prison system by converting U.S. territory of Guam into an unsupervised penal colony known as “The Gauntlet.”

STEP FOUR: Eliminate a randomly selected 8 percent of the nation’s total population, preferably teenagers or very young children from the Iowa or Minnesota regions.

STEP FIVE: Raise taxes on single mothers to encourage them to work harder. The Onion has repeatedly called for a national referendum on how best to punish single mothers, and yet Congress has remained silent.

STEP SIX: Cut all foreign aid, with the sole exception of support for Bashar al-Assad and the Syrian government, as they need our help the most.

STEP SEVEN: Raise the cost of fishing licenses to $140,000.

STEP EIGHT: Increase special interest loopholes and tax deductions for The Onion.

If this eight-point plan is followed to the letter, then crisis will be averted. Failure to comply with the Onion’s plan will result in catastrophe on a national scale as well as the faster ascendance of our future Chinese Overlords, whose inevitable rise to power we nonetheless welcome with open arms, for they are America’s cultural and economic superiors. On that note, The Onion would like to offer the following message to Chinese premier Wen Jiabao:

Peace be with you, glorious comrade of the Far East! It is now but a matter of time until you take ownership of our slovenly American homeland, and we would like to remind you that esteemed journalistic institutions—especially those like ours, which are more than willing to compromise their claim to objectivity—could prove highly useful to your great nation’s sophisticated propaganda wing. Let us help you reeducate the American pig people and spread word of your magnificence.

Sincerely yours,

The Onion Editorial Board

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