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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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The Onion's Weekly Campus Crime Roundup

Compiled from the logs of University Police & Security

Sunday, November 28

4:34 a.m. Officer dispatched to Witte Hall in regard to an open safe. Upon arrival, officer made contact with custodial staff and inventoried contents of safe. Nothing was missing, but the safe could not be closed because the latch was broken. Officer called a locksmith who said that it could wait until morning. Officer made sure that all doors leading up to the safe were secured. No further action.

Tuesday,

November 30

9:56 p.m. Officer dispatched to Regent Street concerning a conveyance. Upon arrival, officer met a woman who requested transport from Regent St. to the UW Hospital Emergency Room. The woman stated that her throat was sore and there were signs of swelling. She was transported without incident. No further action.

Wednesday,

December 1

2:38 a.m. Officer dispatched to Ogg Hall for a noise complaint. Officer made contact with a housefellow who had phoned in a complaint about two female students who were playing music too loudly in their room. The housefellow had asked the women to turn down their music two times before the officer’s arrival, and the women had complied with her request. However, other members of the dorm had also complained. Officer made contact with subjects and asked them to turn down the music to a moderate level, in deference to the dorm’s quite hour that was in effect. Officer noticed three males in the room and asked them to leave. They did so without incident. No further action.

7:03 a.m. Officer responded to soccer field area near Bay Drive for a report of a woman that had fallen in the snow. Officer found the woman with a bare left foot. She was sitting upright in the snow but unresponsive to the officer’s questioning. Officer discovered an empty bottle of Sominex in the woman’s backpack. Woman was transported to the UW Hospital for assistance.

11:35 a.m. Officer dispatched to Humanities building to check on a man sleeping on a heating vent. Officer arrived, located subject sleeping on grate and awoke him. The man verbally identified himself and a warrant check yielded negative results. The man was escorted from the area. No further action.

Thursday, December 2

1:55 a.m. Officer dispatched to Humanities Building, Park Street overpass, where several white males were reportedly spray-painting the letter “E” on everything they saw. Officer was told that these youths were writing the letter “E” on everything on campus to make a political statement. Officer was told that the letter “E” represents Earth and Environment, and that these particular vandals are environmentalists. Officer verbally warned one of the suspects and told him to warn his friends. Suspect agreed not to write on UW property any more. It should be noted that the chalk used to write the letter “E” was non-toxic. No further action.

2:58 a.m. Officer on routine patrol between Frances and University was flagged down by a male holding onto the arm of a female. Upon contact, officer noted that woman smelled strongly of intoxicants, and she was barely able to stand. Officer asked man what had happened and he replied “I was walking when I saw this woman fall onto the sidewalk and she dropped all her Christmas packages. I then flagged you down.” Man was thanked for his assistance and then released. Woman was determined to be incapacitated by the use of alcohol and a danger to herself. She was transported to detox. No further action.

9:20 a.m. Officer dispatched to Bascom Hall in response to report of criminal damage to the Lincoln Statue and the surrounding buildings. A woman told the officer that on the previous night, someone had wrapped a pink, plastic material around the head of the statue. Also, unknown persons had written the capital letter “E” on the statue in spray paint. Reportedly, the same letter had been written on Birge Hall and the Commerce Building. Woman showed officer the remains of chalk graffiti on Bascom Hall outside the east main entrance. It is unknown what the letter “E” is in reference to. The pink plastic addition to the Lincoln Statue may have been related to an AIDS awareness day on 12-1-93. There was no covering on the statue when the officer arrived, as maintenance personnel had already removed it and washed off the graffiti. There are no suspects or witnesses.

Friday December 3

4:03 a.m. Officer dispatched to Primate Lab to investigate criminal damage to building. Woman showed officer orange spray paint on the front entrance door and a cement pillar by the front door. The estimated damage costs were $125. Officer was unable to locate any witnesses or suspects. Officer did observe that a small video camera was mounted on a wall inside of the main entrance doors of the Primate Lab. Officer was unable to determine if the camera was working or if it had taped the crime as it had occurred. No further action. 

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