The Onion's Weekly Campus Crime Roundup

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

How Grand Juries Reach A Decision

The recent non-indictments of police officers Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo have shed light on the secret process of grand jury deliberations, by which a group of ordinary citizens hears a case from a prosecuting attorney and privately decides whe...

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

3-Day Waiting Period Leads To Far More Feasible Murder Plot

MASON CITY, IA—Saying that the past 72 hours offered him plenty of time to pause and reflect, local man Andrew Boyle told reporters Tuesday that the state’s three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun had allowed him to devise a far more pr...

FBI Raids Kennedy Fundamentalist Compound

HYANNIS PORT, MA—In a surprise predawn raid Monday, heavily armed FBI agents stormed the notorious Kennedy Compound in Massachusetts, reportedly arresting more than two dozen key members of the faction and exposing many of the bizarre inner workings...

Criminal Prosecuted To Fullest Extent Of Budget

STOCKTON, CA—Concluding proceedings of a case that will now be sent to a jury it lacked the means to properly vet, San Joaquin District Attorney James Willett told reporters Monday that he believes his office prosecuted a suspected murderer to the f...

Paranoid Oscar Pistorius Still Thinks Burglar After Him

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Insisting that the dangerous individual could be literally anywhere right now, a paranoid, wild-eyed Oscar Pistorius was reportedly overheard muttering to his defense lawyers numerous times during his murder trial Thursday tha...

Report: Local Gas Station Wouldn’t Be That Hard To Rob

LAWRENCE, KS—Citing a range of factors from the lack of security glass to the fact that the cash register is situated right next to the front door, a report published Thursday confirmed that robbing the BP gas station at Reynolds and Murray wouldn...

Highlights From Ariel Castro’s Courtroom Statement

Ariel Castro, the 53-year-old Cleveland man who abducted, imprisoned, and repeatedly raped three women over the course of 11 years, made a brief statement during a court hearing Thursday, shortly before he was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Dick Van Dyke Finally Confesses To Zodiac Killings

MALIBU, CA—Saying he had wanted to talk about the subject for years but feared it would damage his career, beloved entertainer Dick Van Dyke confessed Wednesday to being the infamous Zodiac Killer, the serial murderer who terrorized Northern Califor...

Tim Tebow’s Former Teammate Charged With Murder

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Adding yet another wrinkle to the football player and media sensation’s eventful offseason, authorities confirmed today that a former teammate of New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow has been arrested and charged with murd...

The Case For And Against George Zimmerman

FOR Typed, signed letter from Martin confirming he attacked Zimmerman Americans have soft spot for nation’s rugged, rawly sexual neighborhood watch volunteers Actions fall within the letter of Florida’s “Get Out Of Your Car, Trac...

Athlete Arrested

HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening. A police report confirmed that the high-profile player faces multiple charges, includi...

Popeye's Home Boiglerized

SWEETHAVEN VILLAGE—According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m.

Co-Op Casino Robbed Again

ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...
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The Onion's Weekly Campus Crime Roundup

Compiled from the logs of University Police & Security

Sunday, November 28

4:34 a.m. Officer dispatched to Witte Hall in regard to an open safe. Upon arrival, officer made contact with custodial staff and inventoried contents of safe. Nothing was missing, but the safe could not be closed because the latch was broken. Officer called a locksmith who said that it could wait until morning. Officer made sure that all doors leading up to the safe were secured. No further action.


November 30

9:56 p.m. Officer dispatched to Regent Street concerning a conveyance. Upon arrival, officer met a woman who requested transport from Regent St. to the UW Hospital Emergency Room. The woman stated that her throat was sore and there were signs of swelling. She was transported without incident. No further action.


December 1

2:38 a.m. Officer dispatched to Ogg Hall for a noise complaint. Officer made contact with a housefellow who had phoned in a complaint about two female students who were playing music too loudly in their room. The housefellow had asked the women to turn down their music two times before the officer’s arrival, and the women had complied with her request. However, other members of the dorm had also complained. Officer made contact with subjects and asked them to turn down the music to a moderate level, in deference to the dorm’s quite hour that was in effect. Officer noticed three males in the room and asked them to leave. They did so without incident. No further action.

7:03 a.m. Officer responded to soccer field area near Bay Drive for a report of a woman that had fallen in the snow. Officer found the woman with a bare left foot. She was sitting upright in the snow but unresponsive to the officer’s questioning. Officer discovered an empty bottle of Sominex in the woman’s backpack. Woman was transported to the UW Hospital for assistance.

11:35 a.m. Officer dispatched to Humanities building to check on a man sleeping on a heating vent. Officer arrived, located subject sleeping on grate and awoke him. The man verbally identified himself and a warrant check yielded negative results. The man was escorted from the area. No further action.

Thursday, December 2

1:55 a.m. Officer dispatched to Humanities Building, Park Street overpass, where several white males were reportedly spray-painting the letter “E” on everything they saw. Officer was told that these youths were writing the letter “E” on everything on campus to make a political statement. Officer was told that the letter “E” represents Earth and Environment, and that these particular vandals are environmentalists. Officer verbally warned one of the suspects and told him to warn his friends. Suspect agreed not to write on UW property any more. It should be noted that the chalk used to write the letter “E” was non-toxic. No further action.

2:58 a.m. Officer on routine patrol between Frances and University was flagged down by a male holding onto the arm of a female. Upon contact, officer noted that woman smelled strongly of intoxicants, and she was barely able to stand. Officer asked man what had happened and he replied “I was walking when I saw this woman fall onto the sidewalk and she dropped all her Christmas packages. I then flagged you down.” Man was thanked for his assistance and then released. Woman was determined to be incapacitated by the use of alcohol and a danger to herself. She was transported to detox. No further action.

9:20 a.m. Officer dispatched to Bascom Hall in response to report of criminal damage to the Lincoln Statue and the surrounding buildings. A woman told the officer that on the previous night, someone had wrapped a pink, plastic material around the head of the statue. Also, unknown persons had written the capital letter “E” on the statue in spray paint. Reportedly, the same letter had been written on Birge Hall and the Commerce Building. Woman showed officer the remains of chalk graffiti on Bascom Hall outside the east main entrance. It is unknown what the letter “E” is in reference to. The pink plastic addition to the Lincoln Statue may have been related to an AIDS awareness day on 12-1-93. There was no covering on the statue when the officer arrived, as maintenance personnel had already removed it and washed off the graffiti. There are no suspects or witnesses.

Friday December 3

4:03 a.m. Officer dispatched to Primate Lab to investigate criminal damage to building. Woman showed officer orange spray paint on the front entrance door and a cement pillar by the front door. The estimated damage costs were $125. Officer was unable to locate any witnesses or suspects. Officer did observe that a small video camera was mounted on a wall inside of the main entrance doors of the Primate Lab. Officer was unable to determine if the camera was working or if it had taped the crime as it had occurred. No further action. 

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