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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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The Prospects You Need To Know At The NFL Owner's Combine

This week in Indianapolis, the top NFL owning prospects in the country are gathering to prove that they have the raw skills it takes to be an NFL owner. The combine is the most important showcase for rich white businessmen will hundreds of millions of dollars on hand to prove they have what it takes to dominate an NFL franchise from the owner's box. Here are some of the under-the-radar magnates who have emerged as legitimate owning prospects during the combine.

Tom Harthridge
Will hire a firm to immediately redesign the uniform of any franchise he owns, ignore fan outcry and hide his initials somewhere in the new logo.

Brad Seaman
His iron-fisted management of the two southeastern theme parks he owns suggests he has the capability to run the kind of cult of personality to provide a distraction to even the most seasoned team.

Maurice Kleminski
Has hired and personally fired four CFOs as owner of Shop-Ease grocery stores, and promises to bring the same kind of fickle unpredictability to his NFL head coaching search.

Louis Michaels
Is grooming his flaky, incompetent 45-year-old son to run his hard-won business into the ground.

James Donaldson, III
His working-class-to-millionaire success story ensures that he has the kind of barely-subdued class resentment to make outbursts at overpaid players and his fellow owners a regular occurrence.

Nicholas Comigan
Though 48 years old, the former software mogul believes himself to be NFL players' peers and is sure to lead the league's owners in lewd comments and tasteless graphic tee shirts.

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