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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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The Prospects You Need To Know At The NFL Owner's Combine

This week in Indianapolis, the top NFL owning prospects in the country are gathering to prove that they have the raw skills it takes to be an NFL owner. The combine is the most important showcase for rich white businessmen will hundreds of millions of dollars on hand to prove they have what it takes to dominate an NFL franchise from the owner's box. Here are some of the under-the-radar magnates who have emerged as legitimate owning prospects during the combine.

Tom Harthridge
Will hire a firm to immediately redesign the uniform of any franchise he owns, ignore fan outcry and hide his initials somewhere in the new logo.

Brad Seaman
His iron-fisted management of the two southeastern theme parks he owns suggests he has the capability to run the kind of cult of personality to provide a distraction to even the most seasoned team.

Maurice Kleminski
Has hired and personally fired four CFOs as owner of Shop-Ease grocery stores, and promises to bring the same kind of fickle unpredictability to his NFL head coaching search.

Louis Michaels
Is grooming his flaky, incompetent 45-year-old son to run his hard-won business into the ground.

James Donaldson, III
His working-class-to-millionaire success story ensures that he has the kind of barely-subdued class resentment to make outbursts at overpaid players and his fellow owners a regular occurrence.

Nicholas Comigan
Though 48 years old, the former software mogul believes himself to be NFL players' peers and is sure to lead the league's owners in lewd comments and tasteless graphic tee shirts.

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