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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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The Science Behind The NFL's Roger Goodell Clones

Countless Goodell clones are already milling around the Dallas area, providing a stark visual reminder of the commissioner's presence in an attempt to keep partying players on the straight and narrow. Here are some of the clones' most advanced features:

  • Scientists were forced to use sheep DNA to fill several gaps in the clones' genomes, meaning the Goodells will grow thick will coats that an be shaved and harvested in the spring.
  • The Goodells' eyes have been upgraded beyond human capabilities, allowing them to see in dingy strip club back booths and through public restroom stalls.
  • Through some mistake in the lab, one of the clones has huge leathery wings that enable him to take to the sky and fly around the city.
  • One of the clones' heads is upside-down.
  • The NFL developed 8 Pursuit Goodells, with superhuman sprinting and leaping ability to chase down misbehaving players who try to escape.
  • Though the clones have not been taught to understand written language, they are equipped with one hundred disciplinary sheets authorizing them to give $100,000 fines to any players they spot breaking league rules.

You can check out the NFL's full statement on the clones after the break, including how to protect yourself should you come into contact with one, here. Recommended reading for all those within 300 miles of the Dallas/Fort Worth area as the clones are able to achieve speeds of up to 50 MPH and can go days without need to be recharged.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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