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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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The Science Behind The NFL's Roger Goodell Clones

Countless Goodell clones are already milling around the Dallas area, providing a stark visual reminder of the commissioner's presence in an attempt to keep partying players on the straight and narrow. Here are some of the clones' most advanced features:

  • Scientists were forced to use sheep DNA to fill several gaps in the clones' genomes, meaning the Goodells will grow thick will coats that an be shaved and harvested in the spring.
  • The Goodells' eyes have been upgraded beyond human capabilities, allowing them to see in dingy strip club back booths and through public restroom stalls.
  • Through some mistake in the lab, one of the clones has huge leathery wings that enable him to take to the sky and fly around the city.
  • One of the clones' heads is upside-down.
  • The NFL developed 8 Pursuit Goodells, with superhuman sprinting and leaping ability to chase down misbehaving players who try to escape.
  • Though the clones have not been taught to understand written language, they are equipped with one hundred disciplinary sheets authorizing them to give $100,000 fines to any players they spot breaking league rules.

You can check out the NFL's full statement on the clones after the break, including how to protect yourself should you come into contact with one, here. Recommended reading for all those within 300 miles of the Dallas/Fort Worth area as the clones are able to achieve speeds of up to 50 MPH and can go days without need to be recharged.

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