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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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The Science Behind The NFL's Roger Goodell Clones

Countless Goodell clones are already milling around the Dallas area, providing a stark visual reminder of the commissioner's presence in an attempt to keep partying players on the straight and narrow. Here are some of the clones' most advanced features:

  • Scientists were forced to use sheep DNA to fill several gaps in the clones' genomes, meaning the Goodells will grow thick will coats that an be shaved and harvested in the spring.
  • The Goodells' eyes have been upgraded beyond human capabilities, allowing them to see in dingy strip club back booths and through public restroom stalls.
  • Through some mistake in the lab, one of the clones has huge leathery wings that enable him to take to the sky and fly around the city.
  • One of the clones' heads is upside-down.
  • The NFL developed 8 Pursuit Goodells, with superhuman sprinting and leaping ability to chase down misbehaving players who try to escape.
  • Though the clones have not been taught to understand written language, they are equipped with one hundred disciplinary sheets authorizing them to give $100,000 fines to any players they spot breaking league rules.

You can check out the NFL's full statement on the clones after the break, including how to protect yourself should you come into contact with one, here. Recommended reading for all those within 300 miles of the Dallas/Fort Worth area as the clones are able to achieve speeds of up to 50 MPH and can go days without need to be recharged.

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