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The Science Behind The NFL's Roger Goodell Clones

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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The Science Behind The NFL's Roger Goodell Clones

Countless Goodell clones are already milling around the Dallas area, providing a stark visual reminder of the commissioner's presence in an attempt to keep partying players on the straight and narrow. Here are some of the clones' most advanced features:

  • Scientists were forced to use sheep DNA to fill several gaps in the clones' genomes, meaning the Goodells will grow thick will coats that an be shaved and harvested in the spring.
  • The Goodells' eyes have been upgraded beyond human capabilities, allowing them to see in dingy strip club back booths and through public restroom stalls.
  • Through some mistake in the lab, one of the clones has huge leathery wings that enable him to take to the sky and fly around the city.
  • One of the clones' heads is upside-down.
  • The NFL developed 8 Pursuit Goodells, with superhuman sprinting and leaping ability to chase down misbehaving players who try to escape.
  • Though the clones have not been taught to understand written language, they are equipped with one hundred disciplinary sheets authorizing them to give $100,000 fines to any players they spot breaking league rules.

You can check out the NFL's full statement on the clones after the break, including how to protect yourself should you come into contact with one, here. Recommended reading for all those within 300 miles of the Dallas/Fort Worth area as the clones are able to achieve speeds of up to 50 MPH and can go days without need to be recharged.

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