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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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The Science Behind The NFL's Roger Goodell Clones

Countless Goodell clones are already milling around the Dallas area, providing a stark visual reminder of the commissioner's presence in an attempt to keep partying players on the straight and narrow. Here are some of the clones' most advanced features:

  • Scientists were forced to use sheep DNA to fill several gaps in the clones' genomes, meaning the Goodells will grow thick will coats that an be shaved and harvested in the spring.
  • The Goodells' eyes have been upgraded beyond human capabilities, allowing them to see in dingy strip club back booths and through public restroom stalls.
  • Through some mistake in the lab, one of the clones has huge leathery wings that enable him to take to the sky and fly around the city.
  • One of the clones' heads is upside-down.
  • The NFL developed 8 Pursuit Goodells, with superhuman sprinting and leaping ability to chase down misbehaving players who try to escape.
  • Though the clones have not been taught to understand written language, they are equipped with one hundred disciplinary sheets authorizing them to give $100,000 fines to any players they spot breaking league rules.

You can check out the NFL's full statement on the clones after the break, including how to protect yourself should you come into contact with one, here. Recommended reading for all those within 300 miles of the Dallas/Fort Worth area as the clones are able to achieve speeds of up to 50 MPH and can go days without need to be recharged.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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