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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

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GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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The TuckScreen: Can't Wait To See Joe Biden's Band Play The Superbowl

I don't listen to much popular music these days because the pulsing electronic beat in many songs makes me queasy, but back in my younger days I was quite a tune-a-holic. Like many people my song-drink of choice was anything served up by the Joe Biden Band. I remember getting so excited whenever "Sister In Law" would come on the radio, I would actually tap my foot in time with the music!

So you can imagine how tickled I am that the J.B.B. has just signed on to play the halftime show at this year's Super Bowl. I have never watched a televised football game before, but the prospect of seeing Joe, Avery Hanson, "Bongo" Lutz, and the rest of the boys back together again is definitely going to change that!

In honor of the occasion, below I am providing the full track listing for the J.B.B.'s seminal album "PB & Joe" as well as a list of their biggest hits so you can find them all and download them today. I'm also including all the lyrics for "Sister In Law" which I just transcribed from memory. Enjoy!

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"Sister-In-Law" full lyrics
At the barbecue I saw you give me the eye
Looked so good I almost dropped the pecan pie
But it cannot be, our love must stay hidden
My passion for you feels so forbidden

Chorus:
Sister-in-Law, you're my brother's wife
Sister-in-Law, I want you in my life
Sister-in-Law, why you gotta break my heart?
Remember the time we took your kids to the zoo?
And almost kissed by the penguin igloo
You said we were kept apart by fate
I said we should forget it and just mate

Chorus:
Sister-in-Law, you're my brother's wife
Sister-in-Law, I want you in my life
Sister-in-Law, why you gotta break my heart?
Why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why?

[Keytar solo]

He's a great guy and a wonderful bro
But you're Juliet and I'm Romeo
Star-crossed lovers, 'cept in our tale
Juliet's married to my brother, Dale.

Chorus:
Sister-in-Law, you're my brother's wife
Sister-in-Law, I want you in my life
Sister-in-Law, why you gotta break my heart?

PB & JOE Tracklist
Side One:
1 - Sister-In-Law
2 - Enchilada Jubilee
3 - Sand 'Tween My Toes
4 - Shut Up, Adults
5 - Get Tidal!

Side Two:
1 - Greatest Burrito
2 - Tell Teacher I'm Waxin' My Board
3 - Return of the Relaxinator
4 - The Girl In The Coconut Bikini
5 - Total Summer
6 - Bonfire Freakout (Part 1)

The Joe Biden Band: Golden Collection - The #1 Hits 1973 - 1982 Tracklist
1 - Groovy Bowl Of Grapes
2 - Sister-In-Law
3 - Scalp Tan
4 - Waiting For The Money To Roll In
5 - The Ladies
6 - Tell 'Em Joe Sent Ya
7 - Surf Rock Mongolia
8 - Beware The Jabber-Rock-y
9 - Girls Girls Girls Girls Girls Girls Girls Girls Girls Girls Girls Girls Girls
10 - Havin' A Moon Party (live at The Great Wall of China)
11 - Brew Doggin'
12 - Catch Me If You’re Tan
13 - A Gal Named Jill
14 - Only Jill
15 - You Are My Jill
16 - Psychedelic Fur-Coffee #18
17 - He's Got The Reagan Blues
18 - The President Is A Demon
19 - It's Revolution Time
20 - Nothing Is Anything
21 - Christmas In Joe Town!

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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