adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline

People began to give up on the American Dream almost from the time it was created. Below, a letter from a riverboat porter written in 1901 shows some of the earliest written documentation of an American saying, "Fuck it, what's the point?" The author of the letter is said to have gone on to become a surly, overweight drunkard who spent his days beneath a tree on the banks of the Mississippi River drinking sour mash whiskey and complaining about the humidity.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close