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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Theater Major Has Too Long Borne Shakespeare Teacher's Blunt Upbraidings, Bitter Scoffs

NASHVILLE, TN—Vanderbilt University theater major Sandy Heckscher said Monday that she has been stretched to the limits of her endurance by the "blunt upbraidings and bitter scoffs" of drama professor and Shakespeare scholar Ian Treatt. "Who breathes but'd rather be a simple whore, than lurk within this country of insult?" said Heckscher, who thinks Treatt is a "bad grader." "O monstrous beast! How like a swine he lies! Grim death—that foul and loathsome moniker!" Treatt responded to the charges by saying only that he found himself amazed that theater majors "are too simple/To offer war where they should kneel for peace."

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