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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Theater Major Has Too Long Borne Shakespeare Teacher's Blunt Upbraidings, Bitter Scoffs

NASHVILLE, TN—Vanderbilt University theater major Sandy Heckscher said Monday that she has been stretched to the limits of her endurance by the "blunt upbraidings and bitter scoffs" of drama professor and Shakespeare scholar Ian Treatt. "Who breathes but'd rather be a simple whore, than lurk within this country of insult?" said Heckscher, who thinks Treatt is a "bad grader." "O monstrous beast! How like a swine he lies! Grim death—that foul and loathsome moniker!" Treatt responded to the charges by saying only that he found himself amazed that theater majors "are too simple/To offer war where they should kneel for peace."

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