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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Theo Epstein Disgusted To Find Cubs Playing In Old Stadium With Weeds Growing All Over Walls

CHICAGO—After taking a tour of the franchise's home stadium Monday, new Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein told reporters he was revolted the team played in a stadium so run-down a landscaper had to be hired to cut down the thick carpet of weeds growing all the way up the outfield walls. "That hunk-of-junk scoreboard in center is apparently broken—they change the numbers by hand—and I don't even know if this place has electricity," Epstein said while directing workers to tear down the field's dangerous brick boundaries. "If this is the way they take care of their ballpark, I'm not surprised they never put together a winning team here." Epstein went on to say he is already planning to build a "proper, modern stadium" for the Cubs next to Woodfield Mall in nearby Schaumburg, IL, and hopes to have Wrigley Field demolished as soon as possible.

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