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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Theo Epstein Disgusted To Find Cubs Playing In Old Stadium With Weeds Growing All Over Walls

CHICAGO—After taking a tour of the franchise's home stadium Monday, new Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein told reporters he was revolted the team played in a stadium so run-down a landscaper had to be hired to cut down the thick carpet of weeds growing all the way up the outfield walls. "That hunk-of-junk scoreboard in center is apparently broken—they change the numbers by hand—and I don't even know if this place has electricity," Epstein said while directing workers to tear down the field's dangerous brick boundaries. "If this is the way they take care of their ballpark, I'm not surprised they never put together a winning team here." Epstein went on to say he is already planning to build a "proper, modern stadium" for the Cubs next to Woodfield Mall in nearby Schaumburg, IL, and hopes to have Wrigley Field demolished as soon as possible.

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