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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Theodore Roosevelt Was A Gay Man

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Newly uncovered documents at the National Archives reveal that Theodore Roosevelt was not only a burly outdoorsman, but also a gay man. "We're not trying to debunk any myths here," head archivist Fran Fretny said. "All we're saying is that he was quite gay." Evidence of Roosevelt's gayness include his excessive smiling; his jolly, booming voice; and his generally "sunny" disposition. "He was just a happy, robust, cheerful fellow, is all we're saying," Fretny concluded, adding that she did not mean to imply that Roosevelt was a homo.

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