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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Theodore Roosevelt Was A Gay Man

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Newly uncovered documents at the National Archives reveal that Theodore Roosevelt was not only a burly outdoorsman, but also a gay man. "We're not trying to debunk any myths here," head archivist Fran Fretny said. "All we're saying is that he was quite gay." Evidence of Roosevelt's gayness include his excessive smiling; his jolly, booming voice; and his generally "sunny" disposition. "He was just a happy, robust, cheerful fellow, is all we're saying," Fretny concluded, adding that she did not mean to imply that Roosevelt was a homo.

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